OK, so I’ve gotten, like, umpteen million emails asking when I’m going to post about the Lingerie Football League and the Seattle Mist team, which is holding its first (and only) open practice today.

Here’s the thing, I’m not really sure what to say.

Yes, I love football and boobs just as much as the next overgrown 15-year-old guy, but I can’t figure out the point of this whole lingerie football thing.

5c13/1240431268-lb.png Folks who actually enjoy the strategy—and let’s be honest, the brutality—of real football really won’t get into this in the long term. In no way shape or form can lingerie football be considered a legitimate sport (much like soccer, haw!). And if the LFL is just trying to reach the I-like-boobies crowd, that’s fine, but I don’t know who the fuck is going to want to pay $20-$100 a ticket to watch glorified mud wrestling. 3f95/1240431946-qb.png

Now, as to why this can’t legitimately be considered a sport, let me explain (it’s not, by the way, that I have anything against ladies playing sports. Except maybe caber tossing and shark rodeo)

In football, certain player positions require a certain body type, whether it’s being played by 6’4 260 pound pro athletes or 120 pound Brazilian dancers. Linemen must be large, in order to, y’know, block defenders and make sure the quarterback doesn’t get driven into the dirt; linebackers need to be sizable to contain action on the field and make tackles; and tight ends need to be tall and able to block, but agile enough to play receiver.

However, the only linewoman listed on the Seattle Mist’s site is 5’5 115 pound Chelsie Jorgensen: dc6e/1240431858-ol.png

Can Jorgensen effectively block, say, 5’7 130-pound San Diego Seduction defensive linewoman Rachel Carroccio? In the NFL, a 15-pound difference between players might not matter much, but when you only weigh a buck and change, I think it might make a difference. This game is set up for failure. Also, their wide receivers are, like, 5’4 which makes no sense.

OK, so now that we’ve gotten the weird physics of lady football out of the way, here’s the other issue: why would I, or anyone else in their right mind, pay $20 to $100 for what is essentially a masturbatory aid? Suckers in Kent, apparently. But c’mon, everybody else. You’re smarter than to get tricked into caring about something as ridiculous as this. Porn (NSFWNSFWNSFW!!!!) is free. Yes, I could look at these ladies all day, but I’m not going to plunk down $50 and drive to Kent to watch them play fake football.

Now, one more picture of boobs. e171/1240432005-rb.png

Let us never speak of this again.

Jonah Spangenthal-Lee: Proving you wrong since 1983.

31 replies on “Can Someone Explain This to Me?”

  1. I tried to read your article. Honest I did.

    My visual cortex responds to boobs and overrides all other brain multitasking.

    I do hope it was an interesting article.
    Thanks for the boobs.

  3. You could also mention that you’ll be viewing these boobies from about a mile away, which is about as satisfying as watching porn on your next door neighbor’s cell phone, through his window and yours.

  5. natalya snetkova is my 2nd favorite moldavan import, after white stork brandy.

    let’s not judge lingerie football until the season is over.

  9. You know if I had a choice between 2 teams of modelesk women running into each other vs. large sweaty males it’s pretty much no contest. I don’t think it’s a sport at all, it’s eye candy, cock tease whatever you want to call it, as you so clearly point out physics are working against them. I don’t think I’d pay $20 for it, maybe $5 but even then meh. I do like the idea that seemingly a majority of the girls are local, so it’s not like some kind of draft situation where a group of random people fly here from across the world, it’s mostly people from our backyard having fun.

  14. So for free I can go down to Alki and see woman in bikinis, women I can see from much closer and actually talk to, or I can I drive my ass to Kent and pay a minimum of 20 bucks to see women showing the same amount of skin who I could only talk to by breaking the fine line between flirting and being a creepy stalker.

  16. I’m against this in principle. I like several female athletes as potential sex partners and masterbatory aides. I like boobs as well. I think the women are attractive, BUT I do think, in principle, it kind of degrades both football and softcore porn. It’s like chocolate covered pickles.

    But your physics are slightly off. It turns out your strength to body weight ratios are much more in your favor when you are smaller. A 15 pound body weight difference at 5’4” isn’t so bad. It’s actually a well studied biological phenomina. You only get a logarithmic strength advantage with size. Anyone who rock climbs or is in the military knows this. This is flies have twiggy legs and rhinos have really beefy ones. This is also why most professional football linemen can’t do pull ups even though may bench press cars.

  21. “Let us never speak of this again.”

    Does that mean yall also won’t post like 20 gay-marriage posts per day like yall usually do?

  25. I think it all ties back to adolescent fantasies about girls who know the rules of football, and are totally, totally cool with walking around in their underwear.

  26. @21: You know, the Stranger has a long history of writing about gay issues. It has several gay writers on staff, gay editors and a gay editorial director. It is based in Capitol Hill, a neighborhood with one of the largest concentrations of out gays in the United States. When it first started publishing, many Seattlites called it “the gay paper.”

    The question is not “why are there so many gay people in this place?” but why, knowing that, do you keep hanging around this place all the time?

  28. Jonah,
    That was pretty funny. I, too am a fan of boobs and football. But, that’s what NFL Cheerleaders are for. It’s also cheaper entertainment on Sunday afternoons in the autumn.
    Thanks.

  31. thank you for being a male with a logical reaction! of course boobs are great but why do they want to play football? it would be totally different if they were any kind of athletes.

Comments are closed.