According to an article in the Chicago Tribune today, 88 percent of women take their husband’s last name when they marry.
In a survey of 18,000 couples married last year, 88 percent of women reported changing their names, said Rebecca Dolgin, executive editor of theknot.com, a popular wedding Web site.
The practice may feel like an affront to women who endured years of raised eyebrows when they kept their names as a statement of equality. But modern brides and those who study women’s issues say it may actually be a celebration of strides women have made since the 1970s and early 1980s.
“I think that there was a point in time where women felt very strongly that they had to [keep their names] to assert their feminist leanings or to say that women are equal to men,” Dolgin said. “Now, women are a little more comfortable and it’s not as threatening to them.”
I am married, and I did not change my name. I didn’t even consider it—I figured that I already had a name and it was working fine for me. But about half of my women friends who are married have changed their names. I find it a bit baffling, but they do it for all sorts of reasons.
However, a recent study by the Center for Survey Research at Indiana University reports that 71 percent of Americans think women should take their spouse’s name after marriage. And not only that, but around half said there should be a legal requirement to do so. Yikes!
“The figures were a bit sobering for us because there seems to be change in so many areas. If names are a core aspect of our identity, this is important,” said Brian Powell, professor of sociology at IU Bloomington. “There are all these reports and indicators that families are changing, that men are contributing more, that we’re moving toward a more equal family, yet there’s no indication that we’re seeing a similar move to equality when it comes to names.”
Many people say that they are creating a family identity by everyone having one name. I respect that. The thing I don’t go for is the assumption that it is the woman who will change her name. What about men changing their names? Or both people changing their names? And I wonder if gay couples getting married in greater numbers will change this issue?
For me it was all about aesthetics. My first name and his last name sounded dull and thud-like together. My first and last names sounded fine together. If I hated my name (or father, or whatever) I would have happily changed it. When our child was born, we tested our chosen first and middle names for the baby against both of our last names. His was better suited than mine, so our now-teenager has his last name…and it sounds really, really nice (much nicer than mine). And I am GRATEFUL to have the options I have!!
@63: Engagement rings are not a sign of ownership. They are a form of costly signaling and / or collateral put up by the groom against the possibility of a broken engagement.
It’s so ridiculous how “feminist” is a bad word in many circles in Seattle. It’s the reason we haven’t had a female mayor in 80 years and the reason women have almost zero political or economic power here. “Anti-feminist” is the equivalent to “misogynist” or “homophobe” or “racist” and should be treated as such.
It’s pretty obvious that women who get married shouldn’t take their husbands’ last names, and children shouldn’t take their father’s last names. The only two reasons to keep doing this are “tradition” or “men are more important,” neither of which should be a socially acceptable reason.
Clearly, the easy answer to this question is to never get married
I LOVED the chance for a name change – if I could change identities every few years I’d totally do it. I’d change my first name too if it were easy. Just think of all those junk mailing lists I’d dodge, and people from high school I could avoid when they decide it’s a good idea to look up old acquaintances and bother them.
My husband was jealous – he kind of wanted a freebie identity change too, but we were totally broke when we got married, and it was free for me. Something like 50 bucks for him to change his name, plus awkward conversations with his family.
@103 Uh oh, you’re shoulding all over yourself!
For me, the only unacceptable reason for doing anything is someone else’s “should.” Likewise, the only people in the world whose opinions I don’t have time for are the ones who take them to be gospel truth.
I’d be careful if I were you, Darlin’. You’re in serious danger of becoming your own opinion’s worst enemy! Espousing this sort of indignant, self-righteous and naive attitude in the name of “feminism” can only serve to further sour people on the cause, which is a dirty shame.
@95
Thank you for giving us “Morgana Labiablossom”. I just snarfed beer all over my desk and computer screen.
@106
She’s been her own opinion’s worst enemy for a while now.
I just got married a few months ago and I was stunned when my wife changed her name. She’s a 31 year old, independent, well educated, strong willed, hip, modern woman- exactly the sort of woman one would think wouldn’t want to change her name. Turns out she just didn’t like her family’s name. She was tired of having to spell it for people and correct the way people pronounce it, etc. etc.
Tangentially, she was thrilled that I knew how to pronounce it when we first met. I think that’s why she married me.
My name’s hyphenated, but I tend to use only one of them for the majority of daily life. When I get married, I’m keeping both of them, and giving my mainly-used one to my kids. I’d like to hand down my mother’s name to at least one though, and long strings of middle names run in my family, so that should be fine.
My mother refused to take my dad’s name, and refused to let him take her’s. She figured that everyone would assume she’d taken his, and didn’t want to be that person who always points out that she didn’t.
@106- bless you for more elegantly stating what I was tempted to refute in shorter, less polite order.
I’m so surprised by this survey. I wonder how many people realize that a woman’s right to choose her last name upon marriage was something that was fought for. Like a woman’s right to vote.
I just happened to write something about this last month if you want some more information on women and changing their name when they marry. http://www.namingyourself.com/blog/?p=59
I think it is another decision that should be left up to the woman to decide for herself!
Marly
“i have actually been really shocked by the number of my independent, liberal, career-having female friends that have huge rocks and have changed their names.”
Maybe because womyn who inject politics into everything, even their friggin’ beds, are awful fucks and even worse cocksuckers.
Funnily enough, I don’t like any part of my name much. My first and middle name are weird and my last name is impossible to pronounce. When the BF and I got together, we got into the inevitable conversation about names (inevitable for me, since my full first name is commonly a nickname and my last name, as stated, is hard to pronounce and ethnic), and he said he really liked my name…the WHOLE thing. He thought it was cute and unique and a good conversation piece. Others have echoed this sentiment, and having an impossible to pronounce name leads to many nicknames…which, when they’re not mean, I think, is a sign of familiarity and camaraderie. It’s also nice because my first and last name total only 8 letters, so when, for example, I got a business card case, I could pick whichever one I wanted (even the ones that fit only 10 characters) and get my full name put on it, or when I fill out forms it’s really easy. 🙂 I don’t think, therefore, that I would ever change my name, but people should be free to do whatever they want. I will say I dislike people who hyphenate really, really long names (the only friend I respect in this group made her maiden name her middle name and her married name her last name, which works SOOOOOOOO much better when your combined names total 17 letters…the kids will also have her name as a middle name). But I like the idea of being Mrs. My Last Name. I think it’s the best of both worlds…I have a relationship that I am proud to be in, but have my own identity.
My sister-in-law changed her last name, though no one really cared what she did (okay, my grandma did, but she’s the only one). I can’t help but hear the annoyance in her voice whenever I reach her voicemail and she says her married name. The first time I heard this I was actually shocked that she changed her name, but she claims to have done it for simplicity’s sake. But it’s her business, no one else’s.
And to the commenter who noted that Mrs. His Full Name is really insulting…I had this wicked cool prof in college who told a story where she hung up on her doctor for making that mistake! As she said “did I cease to exist when I got married?” Oh, snap!
@95 . . . “Morgana Labiablossom” . . .
Dying. I’m dying.
Go Gillian! It has always baffled me why women change their name. Women and men will never be considered equal until it is no longer considered the default that the woman is the one who should change her name in marriage (I don’t think either need to — get to know someone and it’s not that hard to keep track of who they’re related to)(Hey, this could HELP in education) — and the only way it will stop being the default is if women stop changing their name when they get married.
Those statistics are atrocious and embarrassing.
I hyphenated my name. He’s part of my existence now too. And no, he didn’t ask me to change it. And then when the baby was born we added my last name as additional middle name, but hubby filled out the birth certificate forms wrong and hyphenated her name too. We never fixed it and weird…the world is still spinning on it’s axis.
@89. “why because you are a hypocrite who wants do apply feminist principles only as they fit for you?
Typical…and pretty funny”
Actually your response is exactly what I thought of your post. One woman needlessly criticizing other women’s life choices. I’d rater save the term “feminist” for people like Sarah Palin. But hey, maybe you are Sarah Palin.
Credit where it’s due, Morgana Labiablossom came from Drew Campbell’s book The Bride Wore Black Leather…And He Looked Fabulous!. The pagans and dykes (and pagan dykes) in my immediate sphere have usually been more conservative with their name changes.
In my experience, it’s the gamer geeks who struggle to make a name sound sincere.
I know what the traditions stem from, but thats then and this now. You’ve got to believe that in the modern world changing your name isn’t going to magically transform you into your husbands property. Whatever outcome: its just symbolism, you and your partner decide what the symbols mean. Anyone incapable of having that realization, and that talk – shouldn’t worry to much about trying to be equal. Equality is the least of your concerns.
Anyone who claimed that they “didn’t even consider it”, as though the thought never even crossed your mind, strikes me as being of this type: insecure, desperate for validation, and egotistical to the point you need to boast of your own purity of feminism.
You’re weak.
I changed my name the first time because I hated having my “maiden” name mispronounced. Turns out the married name was up was f’ed up even worse. After the divorce, went back to the maiden name. Married again. Kept the maiden name for 3 years and still got called Mrs. Him. Pissed me off. The personal stationery and the method of addressing mail to family didn’t tell them I didn’t change it? Plus me TELLING THEM that I didn’t change it? Stupid people in the South. They just didn’t understand. I finally decided to change it, and the DMV wouldn’t let me just change it to his name. I had to ADD IT to mine because I go by my middle name, and since 9/11 they don’t let you change your last name without a court order. And I wasn’t about to lose my middle name. So now I have FOUR NAMES!!! I have married again, and I will be doing a legal name change to drop the first name, drop the parents’ name (I’m adopted & I hate them), go back to my birth last name, and add my new husband’s name. So I’m going from “JMMD” to “MLC.” And I’m normally someone who’s not in favor of a wife changing her name in general. And changing my name didn’t help us stay married, for those of you who think it represents some family ideal.
I changed my name the first time because I hated having my “maiden” name mispronounced. Turns out the married name was up was f’ed up even worse. After the divorce, went back to the maiden name. Married again. Kept the maiden name for 3 years and still got called Mrs. Him. Pissed me off. The personal stationery and the method of addressing mail to family didn’t tell them I didn’t change it? Plus me TELLING THEM that I didn’t change it? Stupid people in the South. They just didn’t understand. I finally decided to change it, and the DMV wouldn’t let me just change it to his name. I had to ADD IT to mine because I go by my middle name, and since 9/11 they don’t let you change your last name without a court order. And I wasn’t about to lost my middle name. So now I have FOUR NAMES!!! I have married again, and I will be doing a legal name change to drop the first name, drop the parents’ name (I’m adopted & I hate them), go back to my birth last name, and add my new husband’s name. So I’m going from “JMMD” to “MLC.” And I’m normally someone who’s not in favor of a wife changing her name in general. And changing my name didn’t help us stay married, for those of you who think it represents some family ideal.
I changed my name the first time because I hated having my “maiden” name mispronounced. Turns out the married name was up was f’ed up even worse. After the divorce, went back to the maiden name. Married again. Kept the maiden name for 3 years and still got called Mrs. Him. Pissed me off. The personal stationery and the method of addressing mail to family didn’t tell them I didn’t change it? Plus me TELLING THEM that I didn’t change it? Stupid people in the South. They just didn’t understand. I finally decided to change it, and the DMV wouldn’t let me just change it to his name. I had to ADD IT to mine because I go by my middle name, and since 9/11 they don’t let you change your last name without a court order. And I wasn’t about to lost my middle name. So now I have FOUR NAMES!!! I have married again, and I will be doing a legal name change to drop the first name, drop the parents’ name (I’m adopted & I hate them), go back to my birth last name, and add my new husband’s name. So I’m going from “JMMD” to “MLC.” And I’m normally someone who’s not in favor of a wife changing her name in general. And changing my name didn’t help us stay married, for those of you who think it represents some family ideal.
There I go complaining about dumb people, and I post my comment a hundred times. In my defense, there was some kind of “server error” I kept getting. Sorry, folks.
I think it’s ridiculous for a woman to take a man’s name, and I agree with T with regard to respect — I can’t fully respect a woman who took her husband’s last name.
All of the reasons I’ve seen here are just lame to me. “I want us to sound like a family.” Why not dye your hair all the same color — I mean, how will people know you’re a family if you have blond hair and he has black, and the kids are somewhere in between?! My GOD, how will they ever KNOW?
“I hated my last name anyway.” Well, you could have changed it at any time, so clearly you didn’t hate it that much. Sounds like an excuse.
“I’m proud to be his wife.” I’m proud of the company for whom I work but I’m not going to take its name.
To me it’s insecurity — either you want him to know that he is yours or you want other women to know that he is yours or you just need reassurance every day that someone loved you enough to marry you. Get a sense of self that has nothing to do with men. Sheesh.
I think it’s ridiculous for a woman to take a man’s name, and I agree with T with regard to respect — I can’t fully respect a woman who took her husband’s last name.
All of the reasons I’ve seen here are just lame to me. “I want us to sound like a family.” Why not dye your hair all the same color — I mean, how will people know you’re a family if you have blond hair and he has black, and the kids are somewhere in between?! My GOD, how will they ever KNOW?
“I hated my last name anyway.” Well, you could have changed it at any time, so clearly you didn’t hate it that much. Sounds like an excuse.
“I’m proud to be his wife.” I’m proud of the company for whom I work but I’m not going to take its name.
To me it’s insecurity — either you want him to know that he is yours or you want other women to know that he is yours or you just need reassurance every day that someone loved you enough to marry you. Get a sense of self that has nothing to do with men. Sheesh.