MONDAY, MAY 25 This week of defensive swordfish, lousy cinema, and widespread deadly weather kicked off in Turkey, where a Muslim televangelist ascended to religious-kook superstardom by asserting that men who masturbate will wind up with pregnant hands. Details come from Hurriyet Daily News, which identifies our handy televangelist as Mücahid Cihad Han, who was fielding viewers’ questions during a broadcast yesterday when a male caller asked about the propriety of masturbation. Han began by citing Islam’s strict prohibition against masturbation and then got into specifics: “Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife.” Han tied his pregnant-hand theory to the teachings of Muhammad. “The Koran has no clear reference to masturbation, and the authenticity of many hadiths is questionable,” reported Hurriyet Daily News. Thank you, Mr. Han, for proving that batshit televangelists aren’t just Christian…
