Here’s Anderson Cooper spazzing out about how 51-year-old Eugene Victor Tooms* married that 16-year-old Real Childwife of Ocean Shores. This was already my favorite news story of the week, and that was before I saw her YouTube clips. They’re rill, rill, rill good, you guys:

*To everybody who “doesn’t know who that guy is,” I ask, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING DURING THE ENTIRE ’90S!?!? READING!? If you need me I’ll be down here in my papier-mache saliva nest under the escalator eating your mom.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

25 replies on “Everything About Her Is RILL, Okay!?”

  1. “Scully what if there was an offshoot in human evolution that allowed for someone to live forever by fucking young broads?”

  2. Coop is so ready for his daytime talk show – that is comedy gold. And he did everything but actually snap, so I get the feeling if he doesn’t hurry and finally come out of the closet to the public, the closet is going to work its way out of HIM, ready or not…

  3. Rilly, rilly, rilly. They’re totally made for each other you guys. Srsly. OMG.

    I haven’t paid much attention to this, but Anderson Cooper was hilarious.

    Oh, and: Worst. Lip-sync. Ever.

  4. I foresee yet another reality show based on a stupid marriage that I get to ignore.

    And AndyCoop is just jelly that the state will sanction this ridiculous union but not his own.

  5. It’s loony bin jim, Garcia (lindy=garcia from criminal minds). Another person who makes you feel better about being garcia.

  6. @3, I’m pretty sure the size of that glass had something to do with her lip-synching skills.

    My lord AC is getting flamey. Come out, Andy! We’re here for you!

  8. You know who also didn’t see that dude when he was originally guest starring on The X Files. His wife. Because she wasn’t born yet.

  10. I’ll say this much – she sure as hell don’t look 16, but after watching her “Anti-Bullying PSA,” I have to begrudgingly admit, she sounds dumb enough to be 16.

  11. AC is dead on about the porn comments. The way she says she’s never done porn seems like an affirmation that she’d like to very much.

  12. Anderson Cooper may be gay or may not be, but for all you who think he was acting “flamey” – I think he was just trying to talk like his perception of how a teenaged girl talks.

  13. “papier-mache saliva nest”? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Lindy is LindyWasp! Everybody run!

    Oh, and #8 made me laugh out loud. Touche’!

  14. Wow, just wow. Why would a 16 year old even think she needed to state she hasn’t done porn? Honestly the more I see of this train wreck the more I want to beat her parents for not doing their job.

  15. amazing. coops was totally queening out there too. i loved it. and #12, there is no question about his sexuality. he and his boyfriend own a condo in ny together.

  16. Is there something wrong with this guy Tooms’s neck? Why is he always holding his head at that ridiculous angle? He’s doing it on his Wikipedia page too. Maybe he just doesn’t want his baby bride to see his old-man turkey neck.

  18. @12, I’m focusing on when he wasn’t imitating teenage girls. Like raising eyebrows and commenting on her “music video”. Still kinda swishy, g-d love him.

  19. Cooper engages in unnecessary and unconscionable cheap shots in this segment. She denies doing porn because Ocean Shores cyber-bullies spread accusations that she’s a porn slut, and she announces her breasts are “rill” because the cyber-bullies say they’re fake — as a few seconds of surrounding footage from the youtube clip would reveal (but AC’s bit wouldn’t work at all without his feigned ignorance of context).

    The original clip is more devastating than Coooper’s faux witticism anyway.

  22. Watching this only serves to remind me of two things: that I was 16 20 years too early, and that I never want to have children.

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