I’m grateful for my family, my friends, and, most of all, my best friend Captain Purrcard! He’s my cat!
—Ken Bunn, 10, Central District
Here’s a fun fact about kitties, kid: Only assholes put their goddamn cats in the same sentence as their friends and family! That drooling bag of fat and fur is merely exploiting you for food and shelter—and if cat syphilis hadn’t already rotted out its tiny little brain, it’d also resent you for giving it such a bullshit name! How long do you think that fuckwit fleabag would “love” you if you forgot to feed it, you prepubescent moron? If you guessed “two seconds,” you’re slightly less of an imbecile than I thought. Still a pretty big imbecile, though…