I won this weeks challenge, which means I get immunity.
I won this week’s challenge, which means I get immunity. Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com

Can you believe we’re suffering through ANOTHER Republican debate tonight? Yeah, sure, why the hell not. I’m live-mocking the whole thing — feel free to say hi over on Twitter if you’d like to get my attention.

6:16pm: Kasich is the first to get the “talking too much” alarm!

6:17pm: This moderator takes forevvvvvver to ask a question. Someone ought to ring the “talking too much” alarm on her.

6:18pm: The dopey clown-looking one (Cruz) is wearing a purple spotted tie. Does it squirt seltzer water?

6:19pm: Jeb Bush doesn’t like Obama’s rules. “We need to repeal every rule that Barack Obama has passed,” he says. What about the no-running-with-scissors rule? That one seems like a good idea.

6:21pm: Carly is wearing a green top that looks pretty Christmassy against the patriotic red background. Have you started your holiday shopping yet? I saw an ad for drones today that had mistletoe on it, obviously an Xmas ad. But it just made me think that a clever move would be to get a drone and hang mistletoe on it and then make it hover over anyone you want to kiss. That could either be creepy or a really adorable meet-cute story. Anyway, Carly just said something about being held accountable for performance.

6:25pm: Rand Paul says income inequality is worst in cities, states, and countries run by Democrats. Fact check please.

6:29pm: Okay, I’m going to run down to QFC for a box of wine. Let me know if anyone says anything important.

6:44pm: I’m back. Carly Fiorina just said Obamacare is “crony capitalism” so thank God I have this wine box.

6:45pm: “The secret sauce of America is innovation and entrepreneurship,” says Carly Fiorina. Well, nice going Carly. It’s not a secret anymore. Anyway, I disagree — the secret sauce of America is Thousand Island.

6:54pm: Rand Paul looks like one of those Muppet characters based on a vegetable.

6:57pm: Cruz: “There are more words in the IRS code than there are in the Bible.” Sure, but neither one has pictures, which is why I haven’t read either.

6:59pm: For some reason they just showed a split screen of Trump looking bored while Cruz was talking. Girl, I feel you.

7:00pm: Obviously, the debate hosted by Fox Business is all about money and business. But I wish they were being asked more questions about social policy — that’s where they get truly insane. I don’t think we’re going to see any fireworks with them talking about tax rates, which is why I am going to have to insert this unrelated video of a man playing “Firework” on the harmonica.

7:05pm: Finally a fight! Rand and Marco are yelling at each other about military budgets. Marco says America needs to be the strongest military power in the world. Rand: “I don’t think we’re any safer from bankruptcy court. As we go further into debt we become less safe.” Accuses Marco of being liberal on military spending. “I want a strong national defense, but I don’t want us to be bankrupt.” Lots of shouting!

7:08pm: Cruz gets everyone worked up about the military issue, then completely kills the vibe by saying “sugar subsidies.”

7:09pm: Kasich is shimmying around at the podium like a tap dancer. Complains that nobody asked him about taxes. Moderator shrugs and tosses a question to Trump about international trade.

7:09pm: GOP strategy expert says focus group really likes the strong-military talking point.

7:14pm: Someone in the control room just started the commercial break music too early, and a patriotic song just started playing underneath Rand Paul. Sadly, he did not dance.

7:19pm: Because this is Fox News, we are now talking about terrorism. Ben Carson says Syria is going to be Putin’s base in the Middle East. “The Chinese are there as well as the Russians.” Wow this man really knows his geopolitics.

7:20pm: Carson says that the solution to global terrorism is to “make them look like losers” by destroying their caliphate in Iraq, which he seems to be believe is “an energy field.” Yup.

7:25pm: Jeb just stumbled really weirdly over the word “Muslim” and eventually spit out the word “Islamist.”

7:28pm: Carly gets a good dig in at Trump — says she had a private meeting with him, “not in a green room at a show.”

7:31pm: Trump at Carly: “Why does she keep interrupting everyone? Terrible.”

7:34pm: Kasich says we need to stand up against “cyberattacks.” Presumably referring to #gamergate.

7:36pm: Thank God for the talking-to-much alarm, but they really need to enforce it more rigorously. Candidates keep talking and just stop using punctuation marks.

7:37pm: Moderator just tossed to commercial with the words “I think it gets interesting after this.” Jesus, let’s hope so. Are you releasing the bees?

7:40pm: First question when we’re back from the break is about financial bailouts, so I guess the moderator was wrong.

7:47pm: Moderator: “Facebook data shows that nearly 1 million people are concerned about reigning in Wall Street.” Good God, why are you using Facebook to figure out what people are concerned about?

7:50pm: Ted Cruz would not bail out a failing big bank. So, fuck you, depositors!

7:51pm: Oh wait now he’s being tricky — he’d rescue the bank with a loan but “that’s not a bailout.” Ha.

7:52pm: Fiorina just pointed out that the housing bubble happened under a Republican president! Ohhhhhh there’s going to be some very angry chatter about that.

7:59pm: Moderator just got a huge boo for calling Hillary’s resume “impressive.”

8:05pm: Candidates all seem pretty exhausted — most are just repeating their talking points at this point, not responding to questions.

8:05pm: Question for Rand Paul on climate change. Response: “man may have a role in our climate. Nature may also have a role.” Says we need to balance “keeping nature clean” with “the economy.” Okay idiot. There will be no economy after we extinct ourselves, so yeah good luck with your “balance.”

8:08pm: Moderator just tossed to commercial again and sounded like he was about to literally doze off. “I think it’s possible to discuss business interests and keep it interestizzzzzzzz…”

8:11pm: Some of the world’s few surviving journalists have gathered together in an encampment to fact-check the debate.

8:13pm: “Imagine a Hillary Clinton presidency,” Fiorina says. “No,” shouts a guy in the audience.

8:17pm: Ben Carson says two babies have been killed by abortionists during the debate. Whaaaaaat

8:18pm: Trump repeats lie about self-funding his campaign, sure why not

8:19pm: Well, that’s all over. We’ll be spared any more of this torture for over a month — the next Republican debate is December 15. Hopefully a few of the candidates will have been eaten by lions by then but who knows! It might be the same dumb clown car, God help us. In the mean time, here’s a recording of Lyndon Johnson ordering a pair of pants.

Put This On: LBJ Buys Pants from Put This On on Vimeo.

Matt Baume covered geek culture, queer news, and city infrastructure, and would leap at the flimsiest of excuses to write about furries. A writer, podcaster, and videomaker, he resides on Capitol Hill...