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Dear REI,
Please reevaluate your sleeping-bag design. Why do your mummy bags hate gays? You make men’s bags and women’s bags, which zip on opposite sides so that they may be placed next to each other for open or zipped-together fun (see image to the right, fun not pictured). But if homos purchase gender-specific bags, we are doomed to futile wormlike spooning or limbs exposed to the elements—unless one person flips their bag over for zipping-togetherness (suffocating with a mummy hood over the face is not my idea of sexytime). A few suggestions:

1. Place a clearly visible warning on your sleeping-bag page: OUR SLEEPING BAGS ARE DESIGNED TO FACILITATE ONLY HETEROSEXUAL CUDDLING. PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN MAKING YOUR PURCHASE. (Include this addendum in your employees’ sensitivity training as well.)
2. There are some valid physiological reasons for gender-specific sleeping bags—but the zipper and hood designs are adaptable. Perhaps place two zippers on all the bags? Or make the hood removable so it can be placed on either side?
3. Consider an entirely new line of GAY SLEEPING BAGS for our woodsy cuddling pleasure.

Sincerely,
A Homo

P.S. Indeed, a person may purchase a unisex bag or carefully select bags with appropriately placed zippers, but really: (1) How many times in your life do you purchase an expensive sleeping bag? (2) Who shops for sleeping bags together with a partner? And (3) considering your homo-ness at all times is exhausting: “Oops, I should have remembered I’m queer when I bought that sleeping bag!”

49 replies on “Homophobic Sleeping Bags”

  3. Re: “considering your homo-ness at all times is exhausting”. Talk to your left-handed friends about that. Think about your “left handed homos”! Hey, Ned Flanders has that specialty shop…..

  5. Huh… your photo shows bags from three different manufacturers. Not just REI. Are you arguing that all sleeping bag manufacturers have conspired to put zippers on one side or another depending on the intended sex of the user? Nonsense.

    I’ve owned at least 3-4 different sleeping bags by different manufacturers, all “men’s” models, and which side the zipper was on is a coin toss. When my girlfriend and I go camping we are doomed to “futile wormlike spooning” as our bags have the zippers on the same side. It sucks. We deal.

    If you really are concerned about this, then when you buy a sleeping bag:
    (1) Seek out a model that has a zipper location compatible with the sleeping bag your partner already owns.
    (2) Seek out a manufacturer who will put the zipper on the side you request (MEC, for example. I believe Feathered Friends, located in Seattle, will do that too. Maybe Integral Designs will?)

    Finally, your point #2 is dumb. Two zippers? Removable hoods? Jesus…. if all you’re doing is car camping (and you are, because you seem to think that decreasing the warmth and increasing the weight of the bag would be a good thing), then just bring a damn duvet with you and get your snuggle on old-skool style.

  6. If they were really homophobes, they’d design a special gay sleeping bag where the zippers get stuck when they’re zipped-up.

  7. You seem to be operating under the misunderstanding that “women’s” sleeping bags come in one orientation, while “men’s” sleeping bags come in the other orientation. This is not true – take for exmpale the Halo +25 bag that you have in your picture. Look at the product page, you’ll see that both genders of bag come in left *and* right zip.

    Furthermore, you’ll shop for a sleeping bag with a partner if you intend to get one in left zip and one in right zip so that they can be zipped together. Otherwise, you’re likely to both end up having the same zip, which, as you noted, won’t work at all.

    So stop complaining.

  12. Wow, yeah, @7 is right. I’m amazed, REI actually gives you the choice on the product page to pick left or right. They seem seem to be EXTREMELY HOMO-FRIENDLY sleeping bags, and you just called them homophobic.

    You suck, Jesse Vernon. Next time you get an idea for a provocative post, you should probably make sure your premise is correct before spending time writing the thing up.

  16. Also, I know times are tough, but save up and buy a matched/conjugating pair that you own. Then you’re all set to go camping at the drop of a trou with your sweetie, and during those long dry stretches when you’re camping solo you can alternate between the two bags to a) equalize the wear and b) keep yourself from getting too much ingrained as righty/lefty (though there may be moments of muzzy-headed panic when you’re struggling to get out for a moonlit pee). If you’re still carrying a torch, you can cry yourself to sleep in the bag most recently slept in by your erstwhile woodsy-scented angelface.

    Or go find these guys and ask them for advice.

  17. Another problem with flipping one bag over is the lofting. Many bags have more fill in the top flap than the bottom one. It’s okay during the heat-generating sexy time, but if you try to sleep like that, you’ll find one bag isn’t as warm as it could be.

  18. Trying to stuff two people into double-zipped mummy bags has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard of. You know, there’s a reason they’re called “mummy bags”, because they’re designed to very closely fit the human form in order to conserve body heat, and they don’t leave anything in the way of extra space for, um, extraneous movement.

    If you’re going to double-up, you shouldn’t be looking at mummy bags in the first place, you should be looking at standard rectangular sleeping bags which have considerably more room – and so far as I know are pretty much unisex.

  19. i love my sweetie, but the idea of being zipped into a mummy bag with another person (even 2 bags) makes me start to hyperventilate. TOO SMALL!!

  21. @rob!, you totally crack me up, as usual. And thanks for the link. Sometimes the best scenery isn’t the scenery…

    @COMTE, too true! Mummy bags drive me insane, with the restricted leg movement thing, being zipped inside them with another person would be like an express trip to the 9th circle of hell.

  24. I can’t go five minutes without being forced to consider various homos’ homo-ness these days…it’s the #1 activity of homos, isn’t it?

    granted, I’m reading Slog, but still.

  28. The gay sleeping bag should be festooned with pictures of bears. You can include “Kodiak”, “Polar”, and “Andrew Sullivan” versions.

  29. Another for COMTE. But I don’t think people should take this too seriously — it’s just an opportunity to ponder the hetero default.

    Looking at those mummy bags, I do wonder how exactly the women’s version is “Crafted specifically for the contours of a woman’s body with a narrow cut at the shoulders and the right amount of width at the hips” — it looks pretty triangular to me. I can’t imagine stuffing a fit-and-fat lesbian into one of those, alone or with her lady. Rectangular is the way to go, for sure…

  30. Well, it sounds like you should head down to the Seattle Flagship REI store and ask for some help in the sleeping bag section because you are unnecessarily frustrated.

    My same-sex girlfriend and I both have the REI Halo sleeping bag, bought specifically for our fun backpacking adventures.

    We bought one right zip long and one left zip long so that when they zip together, one isn’t upside down in a weird way. They fit together perfectly. Just two months ago we spent a few days in the Enchantments enjoying our wonderfully comfy and cozy bags.

    I recently helped some straight friends figure out some zip together bags and I remember thinking “wow, for once, I feel like being a lesbian made shopping for something easier” Matching the identical bags with my girlfriend was a snap – same bag, just opposite zip. With my hetero friends we had to get a little more creative…long woman’s bag for her, regular for him, but it worked.

    Anyway, just wanted to write in to say that I found your slog entry odd and misinformed…but hey, get down to REI this week and check it out for yourself.

    Good time to go too…today is actually they first day of their FALL SALE (Oct 8th – 18th) and guess what??

    All REI DOWN SLEEPING BAGS are 30% off!

    AND

    the store and the bags are homo-friendly. 🙂

    They also have a double (siesta) for the homo-car-campers out there. My gay friends Dave and Jimmy love theirs.

    Just trying to help,
    -a local REI fan

  31. Why would you want to zip mummy bags together? Feathered Friends makes an excellent bag for two. These bags are not homophobic. You just suck at camping. I hope your camp cooking skills are better than your sleeping gear skills.

  32. Oh, silly people. Clearly it is possible to avoid this problem with foresight. But my complaint is based in simple math and the privilege to have chance on your side. Go to REI.com. Check out the men’s sleeping bags—the majority of zippers are on the (house) right; in women’s bags, most are on the (house) left. If you go camping (with someone you did not preplan with to purchase matching bags) and decide you want to zip your bags together, it’s statistically much more probable that you will be able to do this with ease if you are opposite sexed. QED.

  33. Holy crap, he doubles down! That’s cheek, is it not?

    Ask an Asian woman the statistical probability of finding shoes her size outside the kid’s section of most stores. Ask a left handed — oh wait, several people already talk about what it’s like to shop as a minority left hander, didn’t they? And what a waste of time that was.

    Some people cling to their beliefs in spite of all facts to the contrary. So it goes.

  35. Ugh. There’s righteous homo indignation and then there’s this. Why not have the metacognitive wherewithal to relax and refrain from pining away on inconsequential bullshit. Teenagers are killing themselves at what at least seems to be a faster pace, multiple forms of governments in the US are trying to have their last clamp downs on civil rights and you want to waste your energy on sleeping bags from REI? Have fun with that.

  36. @32. maybe. if you both purchase REI bags. if have different brand bags- much more statistically likely- all bets are off. as a rock climber since the age of 15, i’ve done a lot of hooking up in tents, and most of the time, “with someone you did not preplan with to purchase matching bags” you won’t be able to zip your bags, no matter what the genders are, drama queen. especially when you consider that a lot of women don’t buy women-specific sleeping bags.

  38. Why are you complaining – This is an entrepreneur’s dream – An underserved demographic with high disposable income. Considering that the vast majority of gay couples are DINKs and thus have high disposable income to buy high end items like good quality gay friendly camping equipment, you should be looking at this as an opportunity and not like it is some slight against you.

    If you decide to pursue this market, I wish you good luck because we really need entrepreneurs who can create jobs right now. Trust me I am not being sarcastic, I really believe that if you think there is a demand you should go for it.

  39. Why are you complaining – This is an entrepreneur’s dream – An underserved demographic with high disposable income. Considering that the vast majority of gay couples are DINKs and thus have high disposable income to buy high end items like good quality gay friendly camping equipment, you should be looking at this as an opportunity and not like it is some slight against you.

    If you decide to pursue this market, I wish you good luck because we really need entrepreneurs who can create jobs right now. Trust me I am not being sarcastic, I really believe that if you think there is a demand you should go for it.

  41. I have no desire to share a mummy bag with someone. If that’s what straight people like to do, they can exclude me and I won’t mind.

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  43. This is stupid. If you want to cuddle properly in a tent, bring an air mattress, sheets, and a blanket and make a proper bed. If you’re back country camping (without a car), you can fuck in the woods like a decent camper – if you’re doing it right you stay warm enough without being inside a mummy bag. You make gay people sound dumb – are you not smart enough to figure out creative ways to cuddle that you need a product manufacturer to set this up for you? Isn’t the point of camping being a little closer to survival? If our society was a little more Darwinian and had a little less safety net, you’d be the first to go.

  45. Yes, it’s statistically likely (but not impossible) that your bags won’t match up correctly – just like it’s statistically likely that you won’t be gay. Being different and having freaky preferences at the same time (zipping mummy sleeping bag together? wtf?) make this complicated i.e. make planning necessary.

    this article however: comedy gold. the end.

  46. I’m not going to complain about this post, it was obviously for the lulz.

    I do want to agree with all the people saying zipped together mummy bags aren’t sexy, except in a bondage-ish way.

    You know the greatest thing about camping?

    The sex is in tents. (say it out loud)

  48. I had this problem when I went on bike tour with my partner. We actually had to return 2 bags before we paid extra to rush order one online with the right zipper. LAME! At least the people who worked at REI were as outraged by it as I was.

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