How to Talk to a Bear

1. You obviously don’t go to The Cuff enough. You growl at the bears if you want to make friends with them.

2. I don’t know what to say to bears to make them go, I only know what to say to make them come.

3. You say, “Ave, Urse. Quomodo vales?” Duh.

4. Walk softly and carry a big gun. I’ve found that the .44 gets the job done pretty quickly.

5. Just to be safe, I’m not even typing the word “bear.”

6. Oh shit!

7. What do you say to a Bear? Why the fuck can’t you shitheads make the playoffs?! Nice work trading for Cutler, but you still have no receivers for him to throw to.

8. If it’s a black bear, you shout, “Hey! Hey! Get out of here! You! Go on! Scram! Hey!” or suchlike. If it’s a grizzly bear, you shoot it repeatedly in the face.

   Here’s a helpful sign that explains how to deal with bears:

   Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

   We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.

   We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

   Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

9. We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing

   OMG. Chains are so coming back!!!

10. The Kids in the Hall had much better advice for dealing with bears:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FEQKQXmo…

11. @8
    That last line in your quote box had me rolling!

12. Where the hell is the Bear Patrol in all this?!? Are my tax dollars still supporting them?

13. Is that link broken? Not working for me. Hurry, theres a bear right in front of me and I’m on my iphone!!!

14. “Why do you call it a ‘Black’ Bear? That’s so racist!”
    “Oh yeah? For your information, my wife is a Black Bear”

    [Hold up wedding photo of you in a tux and a Black Bear in a wedding dress].

15. @13: Sorry, fixed! DON’T SAY “BEAR”!

16. Do not get between a momma bear and her cub. Or corner a bear.

    That always leads to tragedy.

17. And I wouldn’t use anything less than a 7.62mm round – and even five of those won’t always stop a full grown bear.

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