As I mentioned last week, Australia—which I have previously referred to as “not so much a country as a snack delivery system for horrifying beasts”—is banning the import of adult films that depict female ejaculation, because they “have determined that female ejaculation is not a real event and therefore all issue from a women’s vagina is piss.” Top notch science there, dudes.

Now, the same brain trust that finally figured out juuuuuuuuust what us ladies are squirting out of our she-holes has a NEW really, really good idea: BAN SMALL BOOBS.

The Board has also started to ban depictions of small-breasted women in adult publications and films. This is in response to a campaign led by Kids Free 2 B Kids and promoted by Barnaby Joyce and Guy Barnett in Senate Estimates late last year…“We are starting to see depictions of women in their late 20s being banned because they have an A cup size.”

See, because you know who else has small boobs? Kids. And who jacks off to pictures of kids? Pedophiles. Anyone out there dating a lady with small boobs? YOU ARE FUCKING A KID. It’s simple logic, people. A small-boobed baby could understand it.

Thanks to Matt Hickey for squirting all this information my way.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

38 replies on “I Await a Rebuttal from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.”

  1. Well, I gots to say it: Most men that I know that prefer small breasted women, do also seem to have creepy pedophile vibe a-going on.

    Jus’ an observation…

  12. the IBTC(Itty Bitty Titty Committee) has been recently marred by scandals of it’s own, most notably the bribes surrounding it’s sizeist stance against 1and 1/3 & the 1and 1/2 A Cup designation.

  13. @8 First condiments, now boobs. You and I have very different tastes.

    I voted for lemonade, because the female ejaculation thing seems to hint that this “Board” of Australia has something against urine, or at least things that remind them of urine. Lemonade (except for fancy-schmancy pink lemonade) comes in various shades of yellow. Know what else comes in various shades of yellow? URINE. Therefore, banning lemonade won’t make Australians look like a bunch of piss drinkers on a hot day. I think that’s how their logic works.

  14. They are already banning birds. For example, the Corella parrots travel in great flocks and strip the tops off the Morton Bay Fig trees planted by the colonists (and their descendants). These fun loving parrots also land on street lights, tear open the casing with their beaks, and then swing upside-down on the hanging electrical wires: self-made playground equipment.

    I love the parrots and encourage their bird-fun. But the Local Governments have a limited sense of humour, and they scare off the birds, and in some places, poison them.

    How can the humans complain about simple animal exploits while themselves causing irreversible environmental damage?

    Sigh.

  18. Australia has gone so far down the road of nanny-stateism that it’s hard to tell what kind of idiocy they’re going to come up with next. Maybe banning blond-haired people, because yellow hair = piss? Who the fuck knows at this point.

  19. @1, that’s one creepy “observation” keekee. I don’t “prefer” small breasts, but I do appreciate them equally to all other sizes, so long as they’re on an adult. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about actually.

  21. Ps. Lindy, when are you going to respond to my proposal? Unfortunately we might have to move to Utah temporarily until the Dept of Immigration ticks the box and gives me my green card. Seeing as I’ve already got a wife and all. We could just tell the immigration folks that your boyfriend is your cousin. Or would that mean moving to West Virginia?

  25. Pretty silly I guess but isn’t the real question why do they feel the need to ban the depiction of urination? Geez, that lacks even the feeble excuse of protecting children or not encouraging rapists that censors normally use.

  29. fuck all you big titty people, my gf has a cups and a great ass, she does NOT look like a fucking kid. jesus h christ! and btw saggy and/or fake tits are gross, so a and b cups are therefore logically the best

  30. 24, 28 – She said she was referring to the men SHE knows — she’s not making some blanket statement, she’s just telling you about HER experience.

    Kee-rist, people! Can’t y’all READ before ya start spewing the innernetz hate??

  31. @1: I have to agree with everyone else on this one. I used to have smaller breasts, and I never felt a “creepy pedophile vibe” from any of the men who appreciated them.
    @29: I’d like to point out that not all breasts bigger than a B cup are saggy and/or fake so your argument doesn’t really work.

  32. Considering I was a B-cup by the time I was twelve, this makes no sense at all. Was it therefore perfectly healthy and natural for that 25-year-old guy to be hitting on me, because I had boobs?

    Creeps are creeps. I don’t see what the breast size of an adult woman has to do with anything.

  33. @32 the fact that IBTC exists at all and excludes you is a sad, sad thing , you seem like a cool person . your enormous b cup status non-withstanding.

    fuck those itty bitty jerk asshole peeps.

  34. Aw, thanks, pissy! It’s true — these people do nothing to protect kids. But the Australian Sex Party deserves a shout-out for calling attention to this. Here’s what they advocate:

    “all new appointees to the Classification Board and the Classification Review Board should undergo a short course in the latest scientific developments around sexuality and some sort of biology course to bring them up to date with the broad range of acceptable adult sexuality and body types.”

    Go Australian Sex Party!

  35. those Classification Board and Board jerks deserve yours and all of our wrath…

    and yay Sex Partaay
    wurd.

    dial australia 666.
    jus kidding.

  36. In my experience … if this makes sense. I do prefer the small cups over the large, with a great ass.

    In general, I like quality over quantity.

    Then again, after a few beers, my eyes wander toward the larger ones. And honestly, I have no clue why. Maybe it’s just something to look at. Maybe it’s something female to look at that clothes don’t conceal all that well. Maybe it’s because I’m tall, and in a crowded bar it’s easier to see ta tas than asses.

  37. I hope they DO ban children completely – that way, when they die out, we can leave North America to the conservatives and have a cool new place to live. Complete with kangaroos!

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