Hello. Um. Yes. Apparently, at some point during last night’s Gong Show an evil sprite named “gin” whispered in my ear the following words: SOMEBODY HAS TO BE THE MEAN JUDGE.

I would like to apologize for being the mean judge. I would also like to apologize if I told you juggling was boring, said that your original song was “older than the time my grandma fell off her dinosaur and broke her wooden underwear,” yelled at you until you cried, grabbed you by the face and shook your head back and forth in a frenzy, or otherwise emotionally destroyed you in any way. That was out of line.

But oh my GOD, it’s fun to be the mean judge.

P.S. And to the Different Kinds of Jugglers that There Are, especially, your juggling was very lovely. E-mail me and I will give you a present.

P.P.S. If it makes anyone feel better, karma caused me to lose my phone somewhere in the melee. Has anyone seen my phone? I really need it.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

27 replies on “I Would Like to Apologize for My Behavior”

  1. I thought you shrill and horrible commentary was kind of funny, even though it was shrill and horrible.

    never stop drinking

  4. The singer and juggler you maligned are using your phone to contact their long lost 2nd cousins 4 times removed in Lichtenstein. You know they are.

  7. @5 — I don’t know who you are, but we so TOTALLY love you right now. Thanks!

  9. If your comments had been half as witty as you remember them to have been, we would have forgiven the meanness and most of the screeching. You’re usually a funny girl, Lindy. It was just kinda sad, all those fat and angry ladies with chips on their shoulders frowning down from the judges table.

  10. We were in the opposite back corner and all we could hear from the judges was a high-pitched Peanuts-esque “Mwah WAH! mah WAHHH wah!…” … and the gong, of course.

  11. I thought you were hilaaaaaaarious and I spent a good chunk of the evening commenting to my boyfriend about how I was falling in love with you. I believe I used the word “twitterpated”.

    I also had some gin on board.

    <3

  13. You weren’t the Mean Judge – you were the Drunk Judge. And unfortunately, so was Jen Graves. Wow. The shrillness was intolerable… I left when she was screeching about feminism. The actual performers were a blast.. Wish I could have toughed it out until the end, but I would have rather seen real buttholes.

    What they said:
    http://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2009/0&hellip;

  14. Lindy, I wasn’t there. I’ll forgive you any trespasses you may have had because you are otherwise wonderful. That is all.

  19. Oh, and on second thought, as shitty as the judges were, I was much more distressed by the general air of mean-spiritedness and derision and the mob mentality that permeated the crowd that night. As unexpected as the gonging was, I wouldn’t have gone up there if I couldn’t handle a gonging. I’m more pissed at whoever threw a fucking cup of water at me on stage. Seriously?

  21. cereal dude could have beat the airpocalypse air drummer if they were to have a “air drum off.” it was like that guy had never played drums before in his life!

  22. @21 — Ummmm…that’s why we’re not a real band, as in fact, I never have actually played the drums…

  24. I am totally developing a crush on “Red Spandex Guy”… I wanna see the video too!! I mean I rock out like a drunken monkey to the Rockband in my living room but well to get up on stage and commit… you had me at “thats why we’re not a real band” Red Spandex Guy!

  26. Note to next years’ contestants: If the judges are even remotely similar, don’t be young and beautiful. They have a thing against that.

  27. @24 —Drunken Monkeys fucking RAWK!

    @25 — Thanks! My preschool said Bewitched was satanico as well. Eh.

Comments are closed.