As you may know, I signed up last week for Beck University. (Here is the report on the first class.) As with any university, Glenn Beck University costs money. Unlike most liberal elite universities, Glenn Beck University only costs $9.95 a month! This is a bargain. I put it on my credit card last Tuesday evening.
Then, last Wednesday, just three or four hours after I enrolled at Glenn Beck University, my credit card number was stolen. Someone tried to charge $6000 on my card to a Russian auto-parts website. They must not have known I am a journalist; the charge was summarily declined by the credit card company. Then they tried to charge $2000 to the same website. The numbers kept decreasing until finally they managed to get a $161 charge approved. They tried a few more times to no avail, and then the good people at Visa finally realized something fishy was going on and stopped the charge.
The money has been refunded to me, and I have received a new card, but I noticed something strange: Visa said they couldn’t tell me who had stolen my credit card number. While it’s true I was in Iceland a few weeks ago and foreign travel is a big source of credit card fraud, the timing on this Glenn Beck University charge is too coincidental not to consider: Did Glenn Beck steal my credit card number and give (or sell) it to the Russians? I’m just asking questions, here.
Let’s look at the facts: Russians are socialists. Glenn Beck hates socialists. So who would ever expect a power-mad Glenn Beck to work with the Russians? Exactly! Nobody would expect Glenn Beck to work with the Russians, which means that it’s exactly what someone with something to hide would do. If Glenn Beck was stealing credit card numbers—and I’m not saying that he did, I’m just asking questions—he might have something to hide. Cogito ergo sum!
But it gets even weirder than that, friends. If somebody somehow proved that Glenn Beck is colluding with the Stalinists—and again, there is no proof that Glenn Beck stole my credit card number or colluded with Stalinists, but it’s important to note that he has not denied any of these allegations (just as it is important to note that I have not asked him about these allegations)—the implications get really heavy. Do you know who else colluded with the Stalinists? There’s a little something they don’t teach you about in your liberal elite universities: It’s called The Non-Aggression Pact of 1939, and it was a deal between Stalin and a funny-mustached dictator who goes by the name of…wait for it…Adolf Hitler. This means that if Glenn Beck stole my credit card—hypothetically speaking—he would probably be using it to fund some sort of Fourth Reich!
I’m sorry. Hold on a second. I’ve just got something in my eye, here. Let me get a tissue. Oh, God. I just…I just love my credit card so much.
I’m not saying that these are facts. I just like to ask questions. If anyone can prove that Glenn Beck didn’t steal my credit card, I would praise them as a hero. If Glenn Beck denied these charges (and again, I have not personally asked him about these charges), I would believe him. But the fact that he has not addressed these charges—that he has not even acknowledged that these charges exist—could be seen by some as suspicious. Here is a chalkboard with some facts on it:
You decide, America. Glenn Beck: The ball is in your court.
This is right up there with John Stewart’s Glenn Beck impression.
Obviously, Glenn is using your capitalist dollars to try and show that Russian auto parts company how much socialism sucks in comparison. *sniffle* Glenn Beck just wants to bring the glories of capitalism to those poor oppressed Russkies! *BAWWWWWW!* He’s such a good American!
Glenn Beck could make all of these questions go away if he would just produce the evidence that he is NOT colluding with Russian Socialists. His silence on this issue speaks volumes.
Sing it, Paul, sing it loud.
This is awesome.
More likely it was that porn site featuring the gay cocker spaniel sex you signed up for.
It’s also possible that Glenn Beck hired someone who knows as little about web security as he does about, well, anything, and the Glenn Beck University payment system is not secure. Since Glenn Beck University made the news, it’s possible hackers saw it as a ripe target and were able to pilfer credit card info from it.
Can’t say for sure, but it was probably something you paid for recently, and probably something online.
I’m fairly sure that Glenn Beck forces his wife to wear a burqa at home, cause he hates France.
I’m just asking – is Glenn Beck a secret Muslim that the Russians sent here under cover to destroy America?
Glenn Beck’s magic underwear protects him from socialism.
The Tea Baggers can’t argue with your “logic”.
I think that Beck secretly cuts his hair on the sides of his head to match Stalin. There is no co-inkydink here, WE ARE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS PEOPLE!
Uhm, since when was a post-Putin Russia a socialist Russia? If anything, it’s been their golden age of robber barons and laissez faire economics for the last decade, even Americanizing their modes of consumption and production.
Sorry you had your credit card number kifed. It sucks.
Glenn Beck never denied that he may have raped and murdered a girl in 1990, so don’t expect him to deny the possibility that he stole your credit card number.
@10 wow. I never noticed that.
Have you seen how Stalin usually never wore a hat. Glenn Beck usually never wears a hat.
Coincidence?
Maybe THIS is the person who stole your credit card, to bankroll the Glenn Beck for President Initiative:
http://www.dlisted.com/node/38012
But do you have a special telephone on your desk that you’re waiting for him to call you on and explain this to you? That’s pretty important I’ve heard.
I’ve noticed that Glenn Beck has not given any alibi for where he was when someone committed arson on the street a block from my place this morning.
Is he an arsonist? I’m just asking questions.
This is fantastic.
OH MY GOD the logic is unimpeachable! Glenn Beck is Hitler! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!
I’m pretty sure he’s Eva Braun, actually.
You went to Iceland? How was it? Did you go to the volcano?!
@20: Lovely. The volcano was not spewing ash at all. I liked the glaciers and the people and the politics and the culture. I did not like how expensive it was.
Paul is a journalist?
Iceland is still expensive? I thought their economy imploded (probably Glenn Beck’s fault, he’s never denied it…)
@23: It’s expensive in the way that Alaska and Hawaii are expensive. Everything gets shipped in from far away. It’s very possible to visit Iceland cheaply right now. I recommend it. The whole country has my recommendation.
Also, I will pursue your point about Beck and the Icelandic economy; your logic is unimpeachable. Thank you.
I am not nearly as concerned with the credit card fraud as I am that glenn beck may have raped and murdered a 10 year old girl in 1990. While his lack of comment on the credit card issue may not indicate guilt he has refused to discuss the accusations that he brutally raped and then subsequently murdered a 10 year old girl in 1990 for over 20 years. I mean even Roman Polanski has commented on his rape accusations, someone should arrest this guy.
@25, I heard the same thing! I also heard that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990 and that he has yet to comment upon the accusations that he raped and murdered a girl in 1990. I would think that even a possible fascist communist socialist nazi pedophile rapist murderer (because no one KNOWS what’s going on in his head behind that smokescreen of rabid theocratic nationalism–WHAT IS HE HIDING?) like Glenn Beck would comment on rumours that he, Glenn Beck, raped and murdered a girl in 1990.
Best application of Godwin’s Law EVER!
@5 Don’t project.
Does anyone else wish that comments section had threads, reply functions, and email notifications. I have better things to do than wait around all day seeing how a thread is going. Not much better, admittedly.
@26 I Mean how many times do we have to hear about Glenn Beck, RAPING and MURDERING our children before this “administration” does something about it? We all know it, he knows it and yet, nobody is talking about it.
Why is nobody talking about it? The media. Who does Glenn Beck work for (In America, COMRADE) THE MEDIA. Is fox news trying to Rape and Murder our kids? I would assure you that this can not be true but the numbers don’t lie, 90,000 people reported rape in 2008, How many of them were because of Glenn? We wont know until he confirms the number of rapes, it’s that simple.
ALSO, do you know how many people reported being raped in the times of our founding fathers?
N O N E.
That is a 90,000% increase in rape.
WIN
Glenn Beck and his ilk use the same logic to blame bad weather on gays: there was a gay pride parade + there was a hurricane = god is punishing us for having a gay pride parade.
By the transitive power of right-wing cause and effect, it seems perfectly obvious that Glenn is a Russian traitor.