Received this morning via text message:

Dude I had to get a tampon from the gym this morning and it said “Focus on the positive” on it! All in cursive and shit! I do not need to be inspired by you, lady stick!

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

17 replies on “Internal Affirmations”

  2. i got this letter forwarded to me a few months ago and figured it went right along with the “theme”

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.

    Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 i n my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.

    Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.

    Isn’t the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’.

    Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

    In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Forem an Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps .

    Crazy!

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.

    Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part
    of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
    anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
    anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you do n’t march d own to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
    moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
    something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,effective immediately,
    there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS. And that’s a promise I will keep.

    Always. . .Best,
    Wendi Aarons
    Austin , TX

  3. I’d rather have 10 of Lindy’s livejournal posts than 1 ill-thought post about transit or the economy from one of Slog’s other intellectual luminaries.

    @1: The magic of the internet is that The Stranger can publish as much as it wants and you can ignore the things that don’t speak to you. It’s like magic!

  5. There is no reason for these tampons to foray into territory that has already been covered successfully by Dove Promises.

    Oh, BTW, the other side of the tampon said “You’ve got the power!”

  7. More phrases from Playtex Sport tampons:

    “You’re a take-charge kind of girl”
    “No distractions .. just pure concentration”
    “Keep doing what you do best”
    “Strong bodies. Strong minds”
    “Go for it!”
    “Get out there and show ’emm what you got.”
    “Just get in the game”
    “Go team!”

  15. Lindy, I’m sorry that I’m always all like “get a livejournal!” After reading comment #3 I’ve realized even your most trivial of posts are much better than 70% of others.

    Seriously, if I could delete the comment I would.

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