Distressed Plaid Skank Dungeon
Distressed Plaid Skank Dungeon
  • Distressed Plaid Skank Dungeon

Yesterday, at the urging of a (former) friend, I stopped by the Hollister store at Houston and Broadway. In case you’re not familiar with the beachfront catacombs Hollister store at Houston and Broadway, here’s a review from the New York Times:

We were losing it. We needed to get out of there before we were trapped in this psychic brothel forever. I clutched onto him, and we battled our way past all the beautiful faces. Like sirens they beckoned for us to stop and transfer our lust into $600 worth of distressed denims and “casual luxury” tees. Stop being so pretty around me, I wanted to scream.

Somehow we made it out into the daylight, and we returned to our normal, mundane, slightly uglier lives. Or perhaps we are still there, wandering aimlessly through Hollister, and this is just another room?

And here’s New York Magazine. And here’s this.

And here’s the list of alternative names for the Hollister store that I came up with while staggering through the airless rat warren known as the Hollister store!

Humannequin Gulag
Mines of Moria
Manwhore Thunderdome
Satan’s Four-Story Walk-Up Vagina
Jack-Johnson-Scented Abu Ghraib Franchise
Jimmy Buffett’s Date Rape Jamboree
Pappy Blacklung’s Fleece-Lined Assisted Suicide Emporium
The Tenement Museum
Shangri-Brah
Arkham Asylum
The Somme

Score:
Everywhere else in the world that doesn’t have this Hollister store – 10
New York – 0

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

22 replies on “Lost in New York, Day 5: Hollister”

  2. Lindy, I hope you make it home safe & sound.

    Isn’t this the store that was shut down for bed bug infestation recently?

    Good luck!

  3. this requires a poll! a legally-binding slog poll to rename the hollister store. i’ll start. i vote for Manwhore Thunderdome, because the imagery is just so gripping (choosing is hard, though. the choices you gave us are truly wonderful, lindy).

  4. Although my ancient carcass is much too old to shop at any Hollister store, I must shamefully admit to loving the perfumey air outside, and the pictures of hairless surfer boys in the windows…go ahead and shoot me now.

  8. Those names seem so diverse, though.

    “Be sure to pick up ‘Pappy Blacklung’s Fleece-Lined Assisted Suicide Emporium,’ the latest album from Brooklyn quartet Manwhore Thunderdome – out now on Shangri-Brah Records.”

  10. Hollister is a mall store for teens. It’s about as confusing or threatening as Wet Seal or Forever 21. New York used to be a refuge from places like this. Now New Yorkers are no different than mall rats. What happened?

  12. Ahem. Northgate, Southcenter, Bellevue Square, Alderwood Mall, South Hill Puyallup, Tacoma Mall, Capital Mall in Olympia, Bellis Fair in Bellingham, Vancouver Mall, Kitsap Mall, Columbia Center in Kitsap, Spokane Valley Mall, Lloyd Center Mall and three others in greater Portland. There’s one in Boise.

    Why is Idaho in Manhattan?

  14. Fnarf, since you apparently did not do well on the reading comprehension portion of the test, here goes: the gist is that *this particular Hollister store in NYC* is uniquely impressive in its own brand of apocalyptic horror.

  15. @14, explain to me how a clothing store constitutes “apocalyptic horror”. It’s a clothing store. It has teenage girls in it.

    Now, excuse me, I have to go score some heroin.

  18. i’ve spent so little time in malls during the past 10 years that i JUST figured out that Hollister clothing had nothing to do with Hollister, CA.
    which makes a ton of sense. duh.

  19. As someone who has actually been to the shithole that is Hollister, CA, let me assure you that Hollister is a fitting epithet for severe suckage.

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