Hey all you laid off Microsoft contractors looking for work… have you heard the good news? The Creation Musuem in Petersburg, Kentucky is hiring! Open positions include Constituent Data Administrator, Web Developer—Python, and Senior Database Administrator, the last of which lists the following required technical knowledge and skills:

  • 4+ Years of Experience Administrating SQL Server Databases
  • SQL Server 2000, 2005, 2008 (installation, configuration, securing, monitoring)
  • T-SQL creation, analysis, and tuning
  • Database backup and restore processes
  • Disaster recovery planning and implementation
  • Data warehouse design and administration
  • ETL creation, scheduling, tuning, and Maintaining
  • A proven firmness in personal walk with Christ and a passion to use technical skills for the glory of God

So if you have the topnotch SQL skills necessary to organize the Creation Museum’s incredible collection of lies, myths, and anti-science bullshit—covering all 6,000 years of world history—email them your resume… along with your “Salvation testimony,” “Creation belief statement,” and “Confirmation of your agreement with the AiG Statement of Faith.”

24 replies on “Probably Not an Equal Opportunity Employer…”

  1. Also, if you write any software, the first version has to be perfect. It’s not possible to make changes in successive versions. Iterative improvement is just a theory.

  4. There is a whole “God in the Machine” joke buried in here, but I’ll be damned if I am going to dig for it. Of course, if you recited certain types of programming code out loud, it would sound to the uninitiated like you were talking in toungues. That could be fun if you wanted to watch a few fundie head-splosions…

  8. Can’t they just pray for their databases? Seems like that would be a cheaper and more effective option.

    Also, doesn’t the Bible have instructions for that? They’re not leveraging their in-house knowledge.

  10. No, I think they’ll find a lot of good Christianist dbas out there. If survival of the fittest applied to software, would SQL Server still roam the Earth?

  12. I wonder if they have an equally restrictive list of best practices:
    Every table must be joined with “God”.
    Now ‘M’ row should ever be joined with another ‘M’ row, and once two rows are joined they can never be split.
    Every query must end with /*Amen*/;
    No indices should be added. Let God optimize your queries.

  13. My mistake @11. At least we cleared up the whole “it’s science” argument they’re presenting. Discriminate due to religion because the museum is religious not scientific, go it. Spread the word.

  17. When the web site doesn’t work right, just remind your manager that God loves infinite loops, stack overflows, and dereferencing null pointers.

  20. i love it! …even the hiring mgr is a batshit Christian – big surprise there. Christianity just keeps getting nuttier & even more bizarre, spreading its “good news” to gullible people everywhere.

  23. Why do they need a database management system? If they truly believe, then all they need do is throw all their data in a cardboard box and let Jeebus organize it.

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