I’ve heard that the religious nutters who believe that the Rapture is going down—and believers are going up—this Saturday at 6 PM are “blaming” the gays.

Um… nutters? Isn’t the Rapture supposed to be a good thing? For believers, I mean. And aren’t you guys looking forward to it? So shouldn’t we be getting the credit for the Rapture, not blame?

If gay pride parades and gay marriage brought this about—you’re going home to Jesus!—how about a little gratitude?

124 replies on “Rapturous”

  1. If the rapture were to happen this saturday, only one or two people would go missing. So no one would know it had happened, regardless. Well, until the ground exploded and an army of demons led by the antichrist crawled out of a pit. How can people believe stuff like this? Or in any supernaturalism…surrounded by trashminds.

  2. 46 – Since the incinerated wicked will include (among others) Rush Limbaugh, Anthony “Fat Tony” Scalia, and a good chunk of the Rascal-riding South, I am imagining something on the order of a large, smoky tire fire.

  3. @Alleged, I know it’s too much to ask that you give up your obsession with this bastion of the homoliberal elite that is SLOG, but kindly, show the damned some mercy and learn how to spell Gomorrah. Your blank verse is otherwise so well written, “Gommorah” always sticks out like a sore thumb.

  4. I’m pretty sure I read it was Philadelphia time. How that’s different from Eastern time, beats me, but there you go. Does God know about Daylight Savings Time?

    If Harold Camping doesn’t off himself Saturday, he’s going to have to answer a lot of questions.

    By the way, doesn’t the Bible take a rather dim view of people who practice occult predicting?

  5. For a play-by-play, you can monitor earthquake activity here:
    http://www.iris.edu/seismon/bigmap/index…

    Helpful tip: as long as there is a continuous string of earthquakes, as there always is, the earth is blowing off its stored seismic energy and we’re safe. The thing to watch out for is if it stops completely for a week or so, and saves it all up. It’s still percolating along just fine as of right now.

    So, unless Camping has a 200 megaton bomb wedged into the faults under Yellowstone or Missouri, or we’re getting hit by a giant asteroid, I can’t see where his Saturday prediction has any merit.

  6. @54: “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” (Exodus 22:18, KJV)
    And the story of King Saul and the Witch of Endor makes it abundantly clear that such attempts at divination are unacceptable even when done with good intentions. So the story goes, King Saul visited the witch in order to obtain advice (for his upcoming battle against the Philistines) from the spirit of Samuel the prophet. Samuel, however, complained of being roused from his sleep in Sheol, rebuked Saul for having resorted to such unholy means, and predicted Saul’s downfall in the battle.

  7. seriously guys, when they’re gone let’s film and broadcast gay and lesbo porn from the Trinity Broadcasting Network studios. maybe we can keep the Tribulation coming along.

  10. 56

    ooooh- that’s scary.

    have you seen this one?

    “If a man also lie with mankind both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death.”

  14. I’ve listened to that guy’s show near Santa Maria where their signal is really strong on the radio. Camping doesn’t talk about gay people much. Moreover, he keeps emphasizing that everyone needs to quit their church, because the bible sez that satan will take over the churches 20 yrs before rapture.
    What I’m most fascinated by is all the callers who seem just as versed in passages from the bible – most are under age 40 and many have an accent from another country. They call in and might say ‘matthew 14-26’ or something, and both of them understand the section and just discuss the nuances, and I have no idea what they’re talking about.
    Camping is a nerd. There are a lot of other radio preachers who are more angry and unlistenable

  15. 49

    Ten, Junior?

    Are you SURE?

    Your brothers in Sodom were also cocky.

    “Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire out of heaven;
    And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace….”

  16. @60: Actually, I haven’t. Can you show me a version of the Holy Bible that translates Leviticus 20:13 thusly? Of course you can’t; you’re omitting the phrase “as with womankind”. Intentionally misquoting the Bible! It is not my place to judge you for your conduct towards the Almighty, but I would not do such a thing for fear of committing blasphemy.
    @65: I’m quite sure. And it’s no denizen of Sodom who was so cocky, but rather Abraham, patriarch of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Try reading the Bible if you don’t believe me:

    The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the LORD. Then Abraham approached Him and said: “Will You sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will You really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
    The LORD said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
    Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the LORD, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will You destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
    “If I find forty-five there,” He said, “I will not destroy it.”
    Once again he spoke to Him, “What if only forty are found there?”
    He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
    Then he said, “May the LORD not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”
    He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
    Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the LORD, what if only twenty can be found there?”
    He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
    Then he said, “May the LORD not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
    He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
    When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, He left, and Abraham returned home.

    (Genesis 18:22-33)
    God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah EXACTLY BECAUSE not even ten righteous men could be found within their walls, for God is master of both justice and mercy. I’m no biblical scholar, but your understanding of the texts you claim support you is disgraceful.

  17. Arguing with enraged religious crazy people is awesome and productive. Especially about how to interpret and quote scripture (THERE’S CAN BE ONLY ONE MEANING! ha…ha). Do you take on the schizophrenic street preachers with megaphones too, lash larue?

  21. @venomlash: I personally interpret the Leviticus rule as: If you bi, don’t do anal with girl, and you choose only one gender for oral, or it is an abomination. This rule obviously doesn’t concern lesbians and even gay men are off the hook as long as they don’t have sex with women.
    If god was feeling so strongly about gay sex, he should have been more precise: is he to shy to even say sex? Anyway, when he wants to say something, he tells it: you shalt not kill. He wrote that in stone. Twice. Hirself.
    So, all the angry people at DADT repeal, you shouldn’t care. You should be angry there is an army, and death penalty, and guns. And if you are consistent, you shouldn’t even be happy OBL got killed.

    And the Sodom story is scary. It was destroyed because there wasn’t enough people righteous enough to prefer letting a mob rape their virgin daughters rather the guests.
    Then the righteous ones escape in the mountain, one get killed because she look one last time at her dying city (with all her friends) while the others get drunk and commit incest, twice in a row.

  22. 71

    ‘precise’?
    do you know how many times fornication and adultery are
    unambiguously
    condemned in the old and new testaments?
    you do realize there is no homosexual marriage in the bible, don’t you?

    there were lots of wicked cities that didn’t get destroyed by fire from heaven.
    what was special,
    especially depraved,
    about sodom?
    what could it possibly have been?…..

    the nitpicking
    and fine tuning
    and rationalizing to square homosexuality with the bible is so precious-
    cum on; embrace your pervsion and deviancy!!

  23. I’m still wondering: if the ratpure comes, will Kim in Portland be raptured away? I hope not. Or maybe yes–she’d be in bliss. Br… it’s a paradox!

  24. 72

    oh wait-

    we remember our Slog HeathenHumanist Sunday School lesson on Sodom-

    it was ‘ingratitude’…

    Sodom was an ungracious host-

    (those smarmy bastards…)

    and as a result;
    they were totally and completely destroyed off the face of the earth…

    so remember girls-
    curtsey
    and
    say “please” and “thank you”
    and
    by all means
    get those Thank You cards out promptly…..

  25. @72: Do you realize how many time how many times god don’t give a sh** about this kind of thing? The bible is inconsistent. When Abraham marry his sister, (gen 12:13&19) sleep with the slave,(gen 16:4) because at 86 years old he decides he wants kids, how does god punish him? By making Sarah able to have more kids! (gen 17:16) And I’m not even mentioning the creation, you must realize that with one family, there must have been a lot of incests. The bible also mention that women should not give their opinion in public, slaves should obey their master, raping virgins is ok as long as you marry them and pay the father, stoning your children is ok if they disobey a lot,… It goes on and on and nobody gives a crap. But lets say god really really hate gays. It destructed the city full of gay sinners but let escape the one who then sleep with his daugthers. So in your twisted mind, it’s better to fuck your daughter than a man?

    Anyone who care more about gay sex than “you shall not kill” “love you neighbour” “do not judge” clearly hasn’t read the bible or has read it just in order to find arguments.

  28. I always took it to mean that no man should have vaginal sex with another man. Which is fine by me, and shouldn’t present too much difficulty, really.

  30. Does any one else find it telling that Period Troll is all over this Rapture post but not the one written by Paul? Hmmmmm. Why could that be I wonder?
    Maybe he’ll explain on Monday.

  32. On this same line of thought, no one ever thanks the Jews for killing Jesus (well, we only just didn’t SAVE him). If it weren’t for us, they wouldn’t have a savior.

  33. ‘only just didn’t save him…’

    oh, you’re a funny boy.

    seems that you’ve been being thanked for 2000 years, hoss…

    what was that line again?…

    “Pilate saith unto them, What shall I do then with Jesus which is called Christ? They all say unto him, Let him be crucified.

    And the governor said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they cried out the more, saying, Let him be crucified.

    When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see YE to it.”

    Oh wait- here it comes……

    Then answered all the people, and said, HIS BLOOD BE ON US, AND ON OUR CHILDREN…..”

  34. I love that someone keeps bringing up the myth of Sodom and Gomorrah, as if it had any more legitimacy than Greek mythology.

  35. I think maybe part of it is that everybody loves a good scary story.
    “The seventh trumpet blast is coming from inside your HOUSE!!!!1!!!11”
    Know what I mean?

  36. Rapture timeline:

    6:00 PM Heaven Standard Time: GOD looks down upon His creation, looking for true and righteous followers of His Word to call home.

    6:03 PM HST: GOD puts on his glasses; takes a closer look.

    6:04 PM HST: Hmm. Maybe over here?

    6:05 PM HST: Or here?

    6:06 PM HST: *COSMIC FACEPALM*

    6:07 PM: “Hey, Son, it’s Dad. Looks like this thing isn’t going to work out. Is the Bruins game still on? It is? Great, what channel?”

  37. @83: For god’s sake, even the pope stop to hold the Jews responsible for Jesus’ death. (It only lasted three days, what’s the big deal anyway) According to your own word, they cursed themselves, it doesn’t really hold a lot of weight. Jesus himself on the cross forgave them. The romans actually killed him, and yet the Vatican is in Rome and nobody is angry at the Italians. Maybe it’s time to let this go.

  38. @85 I have to say, despite being a rabid anti-theist, a part of me is secretly grateful for the Catholic church just on account of all the great horror movies.

    I mean, The Exorcist alone….

  42. @88: Yes, well, say what you like about the Holy Mother Church, we do know how to bring the Drama. Maybe that’s why Protestants are so hung up on the Rapture? Out of jealousy of the Catholic Theatrical Flair?

  43. Notice how Alleged doesn’t have anything to say in response to my deconstruction of his pathetic arguments back in post #66.

  45. @93: I would, but since I have unregistered comments turned off I can’t hear anything the poor dear has to say, so I just have to infer what he’s spewing from the responses of others.
    Which. I am enjoying. Immensely.
    So carry on Venomlash oh Mighty Slayer of Trolls! Yours is the Field of Blood! Yours is the Sword of Michael!
    I heart your work. 🙂

  46. @91 – I, like you, am totally gay and have had ONLY gay sex my entire life and haven’t caught anything. NOTHING. Not even the rampantly heterosexual STD, chlamydia. I have a feeling the unregistered troll has likely caught everything under the sun, considering he likely has a propensity towards skanks.

    So, yes, I agree, he is jealous.

  47. @92 I just had a flash back.

    My parents were atheists but they took me to a few different churches just to show me what was out there and expose me to stuff.

    Then my first time at summer camp on Saturday night, they ask us all what religion we were because they had different services for us on Sunday. “Catholic” sounded the most familiar to me (I think because my father and his sibs had been raised Catholic) so that’s what I said.

    Immediately this other girl was like, “ZOMG! We’re both Catholic!!! BFF!!!” Nobody else was doing that. I was like, “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU….” I knew then before the service, which was a complete disaster since I didn’t know any of the stuff, that I had made the wrong choice.

  48. These Rapturists are what are called “false Prophets” in the Bible. The New Testament including Revelation speaks of them.

    “Many false prophets will appear and deceive many people” (Matthew ;24)
    “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious (avaricious) wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them… Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” (Matthew 7:15–23)

    Basically this means that if the prophecies (fruit) don’t come to pass then you will know them as false (or bad trees) and will be destroyed by God.

    False prophets are also a stumbling block to true Christians:
    “There will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies (Rapture)… Many will follow their shameful ways (Rapturists) and will bring the way of truth into disrepute. In their greed these teachers will exploit you with stories they have made up” (2 Peter).

    HAH! That is the closest Harold Camping will ever be to being instrumental in fulfilling some aspect of the bible… A false Prophet!

    P.S. The only reason I’m posting all these bible quotes is in case you get in an argument with one of these Rapturist freaks, so you can argue with them (and win) using their own bible- complete with scriptures to quote and site!

  49. My money is on heaven actually only having room for 144,000 ancient-sized people (read: under 5 feet tall) and it’s just some giant Ponzi scheme now, with God about to run out the back door of the universe with a suitcase full of papers and blow, because he figured we’d kill ourselves off before we ever reached a billion in population (c. 1800).

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