I’m a 16-year-old gay boy, comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I’m out at school, to my friends, basically everywhere except to my own family. A few months ago, I decided it was time to come out to my parents. I worked on possible counter-arguments to the fight I knew would happen—my parents are conservative Republicans both. When the time came, my dad was fine. He said it was my own life, I could take care of myself. My mother fought, and I fought back against the standard arguments I had prepared for. Then she produced an argument I couldn’t counter because it made so little sense to me that I couldn’t understand it enough to debate it: she said that gay people don’t exist. Gay people are just people who are so self-centered they can’t stand to be with someone in the least different from them, even at the level of gender. I kept attempting to argue, but she was stuck on her strange views. The next day was nearly silent. A similar routine happened a few weeks ago, when she found a gay book in my room. She immediately went to her winning argument from last time, and I had no idea how to dispute that. I want to come out, but how do I make her understand that I am something which, to her mind, doesn’t exist? I’m tired of being closeted, and I’ve tried to come out to her twice. I don’t know what to do at this point, and if I’ve done something wrong I don’t know what.

Unwilling Closet Case

P.S. I’m going to college next year in gifted program, but I plan on coming back home for the holidays. I’m considering leaving a letter for my mother on the day I leave outlining what I’m trying to say, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. Anyway, thanks for reading this, and say hi to Terry for me!

My response after the jump…

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You’re out to your family now, UCC, and your mom’s bullshit argument can’t change that.

And for what it’s worth: If dating, falling in love with, and marrying people who are similar to ourselves was evidence of mental illness or sexual deviancy, well, then most everybody’s a sicko. Fact is, UCC, people tend to settle down with people who are a lot like themselves—similar class backgrounds, political leanings, education levels, races, religions, etc. (Um, didn’t you mention that your parents are Republicans both?) If a pronounced preference for folks who are similar was one big step toward gayness, UCC, there would be a lot more more gay people running around.

Your mom is in denial, UCC, and don’t have to join her there. You’re gay, you’re out, it’s done. You also don’t have to beat your mom in an argument about gayness in order to come out. You don’t have to prove her wrong, you just have to be yourself. (Her argument didn’t make you less gay in the eyes of your friends, did it?) And the next time she tells you that gay people don’t exist, just smile and tell her that’s funny because she has a gay son, just like millions of other moms out there.

As for what makes people gay, you need to read—and your mom needs to read—Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientation, by Simon Levay. It’s an excellent book, and you can tuck that note you want to leave your mother inside the cover, and leave it on her pillow.—Dan

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Thank you for listening. It’s nice to hear from someone supportive—and I’m going to try again. Third time’s the charm, right? Thank you again.—UCC

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Don’t think of it as trying again, UCC. You’re out already.

And remember: parents sometimes have tantrums when their gay kids come out. Don’t make the mistake of writing your mom off just because she’s being a dick. Let her have her tantrum and tell her—like she told you back when you had tantrums—that you love her still. Hopefully your mom, like most moms, will come around. And if there’s a PFLAG chapter in your area—you can find the closest one here—urge your mom and your dad to attend a meeting.—Dan

67 replies on “SL Letter of the Day: Mom’s Argument”

  1. UCC — you’ve had, what, maybe 8-16 years to come to grips with the fact that you’re gay. Your mom had a few days or weeks at first. Her whole point of view of you and her assumptions about one of the most important people in her life have changed in a way she was not expecting and quite possibly actively hoped against. Her reaction, while incredibly disappointing, is also not wholly surprising. Time. It will take some time. Hell, for all we know, you mit be the first actual live gay perso she’s ever met.

    Same sort of thing happened to me — why wasn’t mom as able to accept the fact that I was gay as well as I could accept it? And later I realized it was all due to the length time being aware of it. She’s awesome now.

  2. UCC, your mother’s forms of logic sound strikingly like my own mom’s. I’m not gay, but when I don’t fit my mother’s idea of what her daughter should be, she comes a little unglued. I’m 35 and just “came out” as an atheist. Mom has gone completely off the rails and currently isn’t speaking to me, after a spat that has its roots in my atheism. Generally, my route is to simply let her have her way when she starts spouting nonsense. Key phrases are “well whatever works for you” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “I think we can agree to disagree.” When she becomes aggressively hurtful or unreasonably demanding in her language, I simply withdraw under the logic that if she’s being crazy and irrational and HURTFUL, I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life. You live at home, but you can keep the contact to a minimum by remaining politely distant. My mother has learned the unpleasant lesson that if she lashes out at me, bygones are not bygones until she makes the overture and an effort to apologize. If your mother is struggling to understand, be sympathetic and open to discussion, but you don’t have to tolerate being insulted because she can’t cope. She’s your parent, and she needs to remember to act like one.

  3. OP, I really hope you read this comment:

    Parents don’t know shit. I can’t stress that enough. When I was younger, I put my parents on a pedestal because they did “adult stuff” that I couldn’t do… like driving a car, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, having kids, grocery shopping, opening bank accounts, buying insurance, holding down a job, moving if they didn’t like the way their life was going.

    This shit is ALL overrated, and being able to accomplish it does NOT make older people any smarter or wiser or logical. Any person of marginal intellectual competence can fuck and squeeze out a kid. Being a parent does not mean you are smart. Statistically speaking, half of ALL parents out there are below average parents. Your mother obviously falls into this group.

    Put up with the bitch for 2 more years, squeeze out whatever college money you can, then make your way into the world. If she learns, she’ll apologize to you later. If she doesn’t, she can kiss your ass goodbye.

    The deification of parents only lasts until you’re old and wise enough to see through their bullshit. Frankly, although it sucks to be in your place, I’m glad you learned that lesson sooner than I did.

  4. @49: “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
    –Aesop

    Alleged, you can find quotes from notable people to back up or refute just about any sentiment. They mean nothing, and so it appears that you’ve got nothing.

  5. My dad has a similarly crazy argument against the existence of gay people. He claims that gay men are just like immature little boys who don’t have the courage to attempt relationships with women. They stick with their own sex because that’s what feels most familiar and safe to them. And all lesbians have just been abused by men, of course.

    Your mom doesn’t want you to be gay. She wants you to grow up and marry a nice girl and give her grandchildren. This is what she’s always imagined for you, and she’s refusing to accept that it’s not in the cards. That’s her problem though. You’re never going to be able to make your mom happy. Only she can make herself happy by growing and changing her outlook. And once you’ve gained her acceptance, it still won’t be enough to make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy by living the life you want. You probably know most of this already though, given how smart you sound. Stay strong.

  6. “Wow, conservatives are grabbing at straws for excuses nowadays.”

    How do you know the mom is a conservative?

  7. Um, 57, From the original letter to Savage Love.

    “my parents are conservative Republicans both.”

    Do you ever bother reading the posts before you comment on them?

  8. Dear UCC:

    You’re out, out – shout it from the rooftops – OUT. Even though your mom’s ears were open, she refused to listen to your closing argument. [Imagine you’re a lawyer before a jury that’s flat-out refused to consider ANY evidence.]

    But you presented it. There’s no point, as others have noted, to keep attempting to sway her with logical justifications for who you are because she’s got her logic receptors turned off. Maybe she’s swallowed too much of the Republican koolaid about teh gayz over the years and refuses to believe that someone in the family, aka HER son, is doing this to HER. Or else, as long as she denies your gayness, then she doesn’t have to think of how she might have contributed to it. See: illogical.

    You’re very fortunate that you are intelligent and have reaped a significant reward (congrats on going to college early).

    I’m thrilled that your other coming out responses have been good and that you’ll be going to college already aware and highy confident of yourself. Before you leave, perhaps you and your dad could visit a PFLAG (if there’s one close by) together. It may help your dad in talking to your mom when you’re away at school. And, leaving a few brochures lying around may make your mom realize that her husband doesn’t share her misperceptions.

    And that’s another thing: she may not be willing to accept a justification from you (a child), but more open to listening to an adult (her husband and, one hopes eventually, some other parents from PFLAG who have already been through the parental coming-out process).

    By the time you come home after a couple of semesters away, I hope your mom will be there to greet you with full awareness, understanding and love!

  10. This letter made me cry! UCC, what is so touching to me, a mom of another teen, is that you want to convince her and want to keep arguing to find what is “right” (oh, and make no mistake, you are right, she is wrong, wrong, wrong). You love her and want to keep engaging with her because you believe that she can be convinced . . . and that shows respect that I don’t think she deserves at this moment. Disengage. Let her live with her denial if she must. As Dan suggested, throw a book her way, give advice about PFLAG and other support options. But don’t engage her on her level of crazy. She either will or won’t get over it (I think she will, but that’s just my fervent hope) but you need to see that your path goes forward to great things, with or without her understanding the truth about gays.

  11. He could tell her that if gays don’t exist, then his gayness must be her fault. But seriously, this woman is a disgusting example of a mother. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you birth him (risking stretch marks/weight gain/no sex life), take care of him your whole life, put his needs ahead of yours, which is your duty as a mother, and then the moment he decides he wants to poke a guy instead of a girl, he is a useless POS. She is not a mother at all, a real mother would never do that. My parents were incredibly supportive, my dad was confused because I don’t “look” like a lesbian, but their support has made our relationship much better/stronger/honest and it was already pretty great to begin with.

    Also, I know Dan has done this before, but he really needs to stress the importance of cutting these a-holes out of your. Obviously give her time to come around, but if she doesn’t after a while, only see your dad and refuse to see her. What you are doing is not hurting anyone, therefore, she has no grounds to stand on. You cannot let her get in the way of your own happiness. You owe her nothing, she chose to have you.

    And the quote “living well is the best revenge” is true. This applies not just with exes/obnoxious acquaintances but also with homophobic parents. Make sure your dad knows how happy you are so he can rub in your mother’s miserable face. It’s pretty easy to do. If you are truly happy, it’ll show.

  12. Because Dan used the word “denial”, I want to mention the Four Stages of Grief. 1) Denial!!! 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Acceptance.

    (I know everyone’s seen these, but since the poster is 17, maybe it’s news to him.)

    So, brace yourself, Anger might waft in after Denial wears off, but after that — it gets better.

  13. To follow up on Smhill’s comment, think of your mom as grieving. She is grieving the loss of what she expected for your future. Like many moms, she probably wanted you to marry, give her grandchildren, etc. Of course, you *can* have a lifelong relationship–hopefully marriage soon–and have children, should you choose to. But that looks a lot different from what she thought it would be. This is wrenching for a lot of families. Hopefully, she will start moving through the process of healing quickly, and not stall out on Anger.

    It occurs to me that, as a conservative Republican, she believes in/helps create the false image of gay men being sinners, heathens, sex-crazed, & etc., and not at all interested in getting married and having kids. But that thought doesn’t help you much right now.

  16. Christians are just christian because they are drama whores who feel a need to have an always approving god that allows them to be heinous towards humans.

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