…and holy shit is it cold here. Also, there’s Santorum everywhere.
I’m in a divey motel to the northeast of the city (“I’ve picked up fares from hookers there,” the cab driver helpfully informed me, adding, “and strippers, too.”) and I’ll be periodically Slogging from around town for the next two days. Apparently, there are some sort of caucuses taking place here in Iowa tomorrow night? And a smarmy homophobic sentient grimace is tied for first place with a department store mannequin and a rogue Muppet with a racist past who desperately wants to turn the United States into Somalia? Sounds like fun!
The man in the room next to me just started vomiting. I think it might be Anderson Cooper; I understand that all the cool media is staying here. Sleep well, Slog. We’ll talk in the morning.
- Can someone tell me why they bagged the smoke detector in my hotel room? Is this some charming heartland tradition I missed out on by being a coastal citizen?
Jesus, I’m sorry, man.
My first guess would be that someone didn’t want it to go off at an inconvenient time.
Second photo’s a little blurry so it’s hard to tell, but they maybe bagged the smoke detector when they spray-painted the room to hide the bloodstains.
Check for signs of bedbugs before turning in, and keep your suitcases in the bathtub (when not actually bathing), not on the carpet where the bedbugs also hide.
Sleep tight.
We used to bag smoke detectors in our dorm rooms so we wouldn’t get in trouble for smoking. Judging from the neighborhood where you’re staying, I’d guess it was crackheads… Stay safe!!
The images of Anderson Cooper vomiting in the adjoining room and the characterizations of the candidates made me laugh. Thank you, Paul.
Des Moines = root of all evil
Go to a Hy-Vee and you’ll be fine. They stock liquor, you know. And you can carry 5 liters of alcohol in a checked bag (you can sneak in three 1.75 bottles, TSA is bad at metric/math).
4605 Fleur Dr – stop by before you leave, it’s across the street from the airport.
Handi Wipes.
And Purel.
Cold? It’s supposed to get to 41° for a high today there. That’s not particularly cold. It’s fucking winter, you Goddamned wuss.
What @9 said. Doesn’t sound like you brought the right clothing. Either buy yourself a down coat so you can look like an over-insulated out-of-towner, or spend under $12 on a set (one top, one bottom) of cheap thermal underwear (aka “long johns”), so you can walk around in a light jacket and look like a native.
@9 oh, come off it. It’s currently in the low teens all across the upper Midwest.
Yeah, it gets cold at night. That’s still not particularly frigid, though. Like I said, it’s fucking winter.
OH my. You stay safe Paul!!
Yep. Crack smokers and bedbugs are real possibilities.
Suitcase in the bathtub is a good suggestion. Also, sleep with the lights on. Not to avoid surprise by unsavory two-legged types, but because bedbugs shun the light.
Also take the bedspread off the bed — that’s likely been covered with all sorts of bodily fluids that, while unlikely to contain anything transmissible one they are dry, are still disgusting. Hope they changed the sheets after the last hourly customers.
I hope you’re getting a danger-pay commission for this assignment.
Crack-smoking bedbugs perhaps?
A little fire will show them what-for! And you won’t even set off the smoke detector.
NPR just reported santorum is rising in Iowa so hope you brought rubber boots.
Paul, the smoke alarm has been sanitized for YOUR protection. To use, simply remove the outer wrapper and allow smoke to reach sensor. If wrapper has been removed, ask the desk to supply a replacement.
It’s Iowa, so at least it’s nice clean all-American vomit- beef, potatoes, and corn. Plugs smoke detectors, though.
@12- what season is it again?
If you’re such a fancy coastal citizen, why couldn’t you afford a nicer hotel in Des Moines, Iowa?
Jeez, Paul, the things you do for journalism. Above and beyond, for sure. Beware the santorum and don’t track it back to Seattle. Or anywhere else in the country, now that I think of it.
Wow. I don’t recall Des Moines hotels being particularly expensive, couldn’t you have chosen a less shady one?
Good lord, the travel advice on this post reads like a Reader’s Digest article from the 90’s.
Ignore the Seattle hand-wringers and embrace the lifestyle of a dumpy motel. As long as there’s a deadbolt on the door, an ice machine down the hall, and no dead prostitutes under the bed, you’re good to go. After all, it’s not like you’re going to spend any time there. Get yourself to the bar at the Hotel Fort Des Moines, and stay there. That’s where the best political gossip is.
Paul, do you plan on sneezing on any doorknobs?
@24 beat me to the punch.
awaiting the “Santorum come-from-behind victory” headline gag, but not eagerly mind you.
Please investigate Elizabeth’s “gay friends.” Please.