So my advice for D.W.T.F.—it was yesterday’s SLLOTD—didn’t go over so well with Sloggers. That’s fine. Sometimes I make mistakes which is why I’ll stick to giving advice and let someone else handle binding arbitration. And one of things I like about the SLLOTD is that other folks chime in and the LWs of the world are free leave my advice and take my readers’ instead.
That said… a commenter noted a certain “Pina Colada Song” quality to the D.W.T.F.’s predicament—only after his divorce did he discover that his ex-wife was just as kinky as he was—and Slog superstars Canuck, EricaP, and Lance banged out the lyrics for a kink version of the “Pina Colada Song.” Sample lyric:
If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
come to me for a sprain.
Now humorless kinksters—a small but vocal minority—will object to the sprain bit. (“Safe, sane, and consensual BDSM practitioners do not damage skeletal tissues during play, Mr. Savage, as no responsible member of the BDSM community regards a trip to an emergency room as the hallmark of a successfully completed scene.”) But kinksters with a sense of humor will be amused. And I think the song, as-written, would make an excellent HUMP! video. Complete lyrics after the jump! Somebody do this!
I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleepin
I read FetLife in bed
And on that social network
There was this letter I read:If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
come to me for a sprain.I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kinda mean
But me and my old lady
Had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I registered with FetLife
Made a whole kinky profile
And though I’m nobody’s poet
I thought it wasn’t bad at all:Yes I like Pina Coladas,
and getting spanked with a cane.
I’m not much into ball gags,
but I do like some pain.
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow night
and cover you in duct tape,
At a bar called the Eagle,
where you’ll dream of escape.So I waited with strong ropes
And she walked in the place
I tied her up in an instant
And put the hood on her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, “mmph, bohhr, mmn!”
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, I never knewThat you liked pina coladas,
And the sweet feel of pain,
The crack of the bullwhip,
And the rattle of chains.
If you like making love at midnight
In latex and a cape,
You’re the lady I’ve looked for,
Cum with me and escape.If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain,
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Cum with me and and escape.Yes I like pina coladas,
And the sweet feel of pain,
The crack of the bullwhip,
And the rattle of chains.
If you like making love at midnight
In latex and a cape,
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow night
and cover you in duct tape,
At a bar called the Eagle,
where you’ll dream of escape.
Y’all are going to force me to travel to Seattle for that HUMP! festival, aren’t you?
I was hoping you’d pick up on this. It’s so good that I can (barely) forgive Canuck et. al. for getting that damn song into my head for the whole day.
Superstars indeed! Maybe one day we can learn what they ate for lunch and want for dinner, and all of the amazing discussion that can be had in the echo chamber about that good stuff. I don’t know about you good people, but I’m excited about the small talk about health related issues, biographical details and gustatory sensations to come! It’s like a diary, but for everyone…and it’s interactive!
Well it meets the HUMP requirements with the duct tape inclusion.
I had an NSFW Lucky 7 pic to share on yesterday’s HUMP post, but I don’t know how to include a pic in the comments.
“It was my own lovely lady
And she said, “mmph, bohhr, mmn!””
LMFAO!
@1 Or Portland!
Full disclosure: redwulf changed my “rain” line to “spanked with a cane”…making it much better….
And I know the sprain thing isn’t really accurate (if you’re doing it right) but sheesh, I was working under a deadline… 😉
@3, well, everybody knows that the only pressing issue in the world is when Canuck and Gus had their last bowel movement.
@8 gus and I don’t have bowel movements. That’s disgusting.
@7 Thanks for the credit. My changed lyric was all I’d managed to come up with by the time I saw your first snippet posted and then all of slog was off to the races with it.
I was under the impression that both gus and Canuck fart rainbows. 5280, are you trying to tell me that that isn’t TRUE?!!11!?
@3: Well aren’t you just the little green eyed poster. If you aren’t clever enough to attract the attention of His Savageness Most High, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
I declare this Art.
@13: I concur.
Glitter rainbows, Lissa, sometimes even double rainbows…
btw, how was breakfast, and what did you have for lunch? Havarti and mixed greens on a wrap pour moi, followed by a Fresca and Advil… *smirk*
Why thank you so much for asking Canuck! As usual I started the day with a half a cup of plain yogurt, and a French press of Sumatra flavored with 7 pumps (No more, no less) of sugar free hazelnut. Lunch consisted of more yogurt, some turkey, baby carrots, cherub tomatoes, a banana and some trail mix. For dinner I plan to eat nothing but Easter candy. Because I am a grown up and can have candy for dinner if I want. So nyah.
Dear Lissa,
I’m feeling a certain ennui today. Is it the trolls, or my bowels? I never can tell. I may snack on a cheaply processed, made in China Easter bunny that’s been partially melted by the car under seat heater where it spent the last few days. I think I might also take a nap. I miss gus, where is he? Did you see him in class? Sigh.
(….and cheers to feliquid, whose writing contribution was the cherry on the sundae, woot!)
Surely there has to be some kind of bondage gear that scans in place of “Pina Coladas”.
I nearly choked on my lamb-and-spring-herb risotto when I saw this just now! I think I’ll need to bike over to the grocery store and get some p.c. mix when I recover my breath. And Canuck and Lissa, seeing what you’ve written about delicious, delicious chocolatey Easter leftovers (however abused) is making my salivary glands HYPER-active.
Cheers, Canuck, EricaP, Lance Thrustwell, and redwulf25_ci! (I’d love to bestow glitter rainbows on everyone, but I’m afraid that’s Canuck’s special power.)
I personally thought the advice for DWTF was SPOT ON.