I'm under ur pillow. Credit: GETTY IMAGES

In my Inbox today: Two more reasons to GET THE FUCK OUT OF AUSTRALIA.

I have weighed in on the subject of this country-shaped sack of poison before. (To be fair, not all of my feelings are negative!)

Then today, here comes this:

Im under ur pillow.
  • GETTY IMAGES
  • I’m under ur pillow.

Killer funnel-web spiders invade Sydney

Forget sharks and crocodiles: the real menace at this time of year, at least for surburban Sydneysiders, is a backyard spider whose bite can kill you in the space of two hours.

Insect experts have warned that the city is being invaded by funnel-webs, considered one of the world’s most aggressive and poisonous spiders. A reptile park north of Sydney where people can drop off captured specimens, and where they are milked of their venom to make antidote, has received more than 40 males in recent weeks. Males are deadlier than females.

And then, not to be outdone, the human beings come along with THIS stupid shit (via “Ms Naughty’s Porn for Women Blog”):

Im in ur mouth.
  • BATMAN, I THINK
  • I’m in ur mouth.

Female Ejaculation Films To Be Banned In Australia

Thanks to shit stirring by a fundamentalist Christian group, the rules have been tightened as to what adult films can be imported into Australia.

The Classification Board has explicitly stated that films featuring female ejaculation will now be seized and considered RC — refused classification. Effectively banned. This also means that female ejaculation sites will be considered RC (prohibited) for the purposes of the internet filter planned to be introduced here this year.

The Classification Board have determined that female ejaculation is not a real event and therefore all issue from a women’s vagina is piss and therefore covered under the parameters in the Guidelines for ‘golden showers’. This means that if the shower happens to land on the body or in the mouth it is determined to be an offensive fetish and goes RC.

I’m glad someone finally founded a board to let women know, once and for all, what is issuing from their vaginas. JESUS CHRIST, FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS ARE WORSE THAN SPIDERS.

Thanks to wisepunk and Matt Hickey for the tips.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

38 replies on ““The Classification Board have determined that female ejaculation is not a real event and therefore all issue from a women’s vagina is piss.””

  3. @2 beat me to it. Do these fuckwads have even the slightest hint about female anatomy? Do they think babies issue from the urethra?

  9. It’s funny how people who’ve clearly never experienced female ejaculation – from any perspective – always seem to have the strongest (and not coincidentally wrongest) opinions about what it is.

    Okay, I lied. It’s not funny. It’s stupid and repetitive and annoying and goddammit I wish they would shut up and mind their own damn business.

  13. Actually female ejaculation DOES come from the urethra.

    But it’s also been analyzed and found not to be piss.

    I mean, male ejaculate comes from the urethra as well.

  15. I dunno about that comparison. I’d prefer to avoid the censorship, too. But given the choice, I’d definitely rather someone tell me I can’t watch female ejaculation and/or golden shower porn than be bitten by a deadly spider.

  16. That’s not a spooge — THIS is a spooge!

    But yes, the censorship laws here are way puritan. And the state laws are even tighter — you can’t even buy X-rated porn legally in Sydney! Of course that law is outright ignored by shops and the police 99% of the time. Or of course, you can visit Canberra, home of legions of federal bureaucrats and politicians and federally administered, where by an enormous coincidence all kinds of freaky shit is legal.

  18. I’m convinced. In fact, Lindy, will you marry me so that I can get a Green Card?

    I hate to be pushy, but would you mind getting back to me quickly with an answer? I need to get over there before Fifty-Two-Eighty lets loose with the nukes…

  23. what is going on with idiots and morons (read Australians, Brits and Republicans) making declarations that the G spot doesn’t exist and that female ejaculation is piss? What prompted this sudden iterest in fucking up my sex life? I DO have a G spot, I DO ejaculate, it DOES NOT come from my vagina, and it IS NOT piss. Tristan Taormino gives a very good seminar on Gspot orgasm and female ejaculation. Pick up her book on the subject, it’s well worth reading.

    Back to Australia. The classification board appears to be much like the Motion Picture Association of America–giving this organization’s assessment of the nature of female ejaculation any weight would be like calling Tipper Gore a sex expert.

  27. From the country that brought you “Jarate” comes…

    “Jarate For Her”

    Hey, it comes out from between her legs, it must be piss! Or a baby.

  29. 14 & 26: From the article:

    “Found mainly in eastern Australia, they are said to be able to leap 18 inches [!!!!!!], and their fangs can penetrate soft shoes and fingernails.”

    I’m going to hope and pray our climate here is much too cold for these things.

  33. In my humble opinion, 5280, it was religion that created god, not the other way around. Therefore, god is just as fake as religion is. But this is an old argument and isn’t going to be won in blog, of all things, so with that, I’ll retire.

  34. Wow, I must be kinkier than I thought!

    @32, I am interested in your controversial views. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. It may be much like reading tabloids at the checkout counter.

  35. Your honor, I have done extensive research into this subject, and I can report that the substance in question is, let me just check my notes, yes. Tahini sauce.

  36. If the Australian government wants to get rid of all the FE porn in the country, they could just send it my way. I’ll dispose of it for them.

Comments are closed.