I stormed into the editorial offices to find the cupcake culprit and immediately upon walking through the door, three cupcakes taunted me from up on the very top ledge of the copy office.

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That’s the chow intern Rachel sitting there at the desk. She claimed she didn’t even know they were up there and I believed her. I don’t think she could reach even if standing on the desk, anyway. Only one person can reach up there. Christopher Frizzelle, the tallest person in the office. Christopher took the goddamn motherfucking cupcakes.

He hid them at Mudede’s desk, he put one on Savage’s desk. He scattered them about the office and kept me distracted so he could hide in his own office with his own collection of stolen cupcakes and eat them all by himself.

When I walked in to take back the rest of the goods, he was giggling a very guilty giggle. His mouth was full. He had just lifted his hand away from his desk drawer handle. “DID YOU JUST EAT ONE?” I snapped. Indeed he had. I opened the drawer and there the rest of the cupcakes sat, one with a giant bite out of it.

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Don’t worry, I made sure he would not be enjoying the remainder of that cupcake.

So. There will be cupcakes at Slog Happy tonight. Pumpkin pie-filled cream cheese cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting on top. They are not covered in dust and dander, I promise. They are safe and back under the plastic wrap, like nothing ever happened, and they are delicious.

Come to Slog Happy at Summit Public House and help yourselves (first come, first served).

*One mystery remains. After recovering 13 of the cupcakes from around the office, and then sacrificing one of them to Frizzelle’s face, there are still only 18 on the tray. That means two are still missing. We may never know…

Megan Seling is The Stranger's managing editor. She mostly writes about hockey, snacks, and music. And sometimes her dog, Johnny Waffles.

14 replies on “The Cupcake Mystery Is Solved (and It Wasn’t Grant)”

  2. I’ve lost the key to the Tardis, and the transporter’s on the fritz – since it’s obvious that the Universe has conspired against me getting to Seattle in time to sample these culinary delights, HOW ABOUT POSTING THE DAMN RECIPE??

  6. And thus we bring the saga of the wayward confectioneries to a conclusion. Mountains were climbed, sacrifices made, but the lessons learned on this day shall live on in infamy and be propagated through the generations according to the finest oratorical traditions of our kind. A heraldic beacon of light shines its everlasting ray of hope through the darkness. Good has prevailed, evil retreats and the denizens of slog shall not be denied the dulcet fortifications that achieve tangency with this world only as a result of the saccharine conspirations of the wheat, the cane and the noble gourd of the earth. Ms. Seling, you are a tenacious advocate for the faceless masses, a modern heroine with classical sensibilities and above all a deity of synergistic enterprise within the sepulcher of the cupcake.

  13. had a smashing good time at slog happy with those lovely sloggers. Eli, this is the passage from the Book of Numbers about the talking she-ass:

    And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

  14. I would totally eat bugs and dander to get at a pumpkin pie cream cheese cinnamon cupcake! OH GODDESS THE HUMANITY!!! LOL… If I wasn’t at the Croc last night, I think that would have gotten me to my first Slog Happy. Although I didn’t even see this until just now… 🙁

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