I’m about to head into the office for my first official day on staff, and I kinda feel like the Satchel Paige of journalism, finally making it to “The Show” after a long career toiling in the Negro leagues. Except I’m actually five years older than Paige was when he threw his first MLB pitch for the St. Louis Browns, I’m not black, and The Stranger is kinda the Negro leagues of journalism (again, except for the black part), so I guess the metaphor ends there.
Anyway, stayed up late last night, drinking heavily and smoking pot, to be sure I could pass The Stranger’s mandatory drug test (yes, it is mandatory for writers here to do drugs, as if you couldn’t tell from the prose), but I’ve secreted a jar of Dan’s urine, just to be on the safe side. Speaking of which, I also seriously considered turning gay, just to fit in, but I’ve got absolutely no fashion sense, and I just couldn’t get past the sex with men part. (Men are disgusting—I know because I am one—so why even women would ever want to have sex with us I’ll never figure out… although I’m eternally grateful).
I’m told I’ll have a bunch of paperwork to fill out (INS stuff, and all that), then lunch, then chatting up the office, then a coffee break or something, so I’m not sure when I’ll find the time to actually post again, but I plan to put a stamp on my first day on the job in classic Goldy fashion, by trashing yet another stupid Seattle Times editorial. So stay tuned.
Every office needs a token straight person, I guess. Did you remember to pack your wite-out? Extra ribbons for the Olivetti? Cigars? Gin for the desk drawer? Clear nail polish to lend to your secretary when she gets a run in her hose? It’s been a few years since I did an internship at a newspaper, but I can’t imagine things have changed all that much.
Good luck, Goldy! Bottoms up!
I look forward to your perspective on major issues. Good luck!
I wonder what A. Birch Steen thinks of the employment of this young ragamuffin?
@3,
I expect that to be awesome next week.
You’re living the dream.
Good luck dude
I’m very pleased. It must be tough to give up some independence by coming on staff, but your loss will be a gain for us Slog habitues.
–You come to the Stranger with far more life experience than the average hire, and seem likely to avoid the regular Logan’s-Run-style cullings
–Your trail of terrifyingly unsubtle HA commenters signals a bright future for Slog threads
–You hurl words in endless streams at the Times ed board whenever they make the slightest queef
In short: superannuated trollbaiting Quixote, welcome to you!
Dan has no fashion sense either…
Matt Luby is shaking with envy. Until last week I really thought you were a busty lady named Goldy.
i want Satchel’s chair.
You got the easiest job in the world. The Seattle Times just GIVES you all the fodder you need, nearly every day.
Congratulations! Looking forward to seeing more from you.
@1 Token hetero, I love it, Canuck!
Break some legs, Goldy.
Canuck, that is fantastic – I missed it at first – if only Goldy were more like James Spader, he’d have a secretary like Maggie Gyllenhoozits.
Dude, if nothing else, this new gig will totally get you laid!
Despite all the smart-ass comments I’m sure to make in response to your future posts, I think you are a quality writer and The Stranger is better for having you.
How have I lived without seeing that movie, gus? The trailer alone is better than most full length films I’ve seen lately…
…maybe I should just send Goldy some seamed stockings to pin to the wall and stare at wistfully…
Canuck, I envy you seeing it for the first time!
Just remember to avoid fried foods. They angry up the blood.
And don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Why does Goldy put so much emphasis on his non-gayness?
He hasn’t had a date with a woman for nearly a decade.
There’s a red flag. I suspect he wants to stay in the closet so his Mommy won’t yank him out of the will.