Newsweek profiles a local polyamorous “cluster”…
Terisa, 41, is at the center of this particular polyamorous cluster. A filmmaker and actress, she is well-spoken, slender and attractive, with dark, shoulder-length hair, porcelain skin—and a powerful need for attention. Twelve years ago, she started datingScott, a writer and classical-album merchant. A couple years later, Scott introduced her to Larry, a software developer at Microsoft, and the two quickly fell in love, with Scott’s assent. The three have been living together for a decade now, but continue to date others casually on the side. Recently, Terisa decided to add Matt, a London transplant to Seattle, to the mix. Matt’s wife, Vera, was OK with that; soon, she was dating Terisa’s husband, Larry. If Scott starts feeling neglected, he can call the woman he’s been dating casually on the side. Everyone in this group is heterosexual, and they insist they never sleep with more than one person at a time.
It’s enough to make any monogamist’s head spin. But the traditionalists had better get used to it.
I’m no fan of monogamy, as everyone knows, and I’m only a “traditionalist” when it comes to crème brûlée (stick with vanilla, please—all those lavender, ginger, anise, and rose brûlées taste like your grandma’s soap), but the arrangement detailed above makes my head spin. I don’t think that anyone in this cluster is doing anything wrong, of course, and I believe that people should be free to make whatever romantic arrangements they care to—even when children are present. Children need stability and structure; constancy is the one parental virtue that doesn’t get the attention it deserves. A stable poly triad can provide that. And if religious nuts have an absolute right to teach their kids that the earth is 6000 years old and that Jesus rode a dinosaur and that God wants them to wear magic underpants—and teach their gay kids to hate themselves—then Terisa’s crew can raise their kid(s) to believe that it’s possible to be in love with, and to be loved by, more than one person at a time.
A polyamorous relationship that doesn’t involve a massive conspiracy to enslave, brainwash, and rape young girls—looking at you, FLDSers—should be able to provide the stability that a kid or kids require. And before traditionalists explode at Terisa, et. al, they might want to look at the divorce rate among religious “traditionalists,” and pause to consider kids with one mom and one dad whose lives are turned upside down when their “traditionalists” parents divorce. If honest non-monogamy and a secular, enlightened, egalitarian polyamory can keep a kid’s parents from sabotaging their bond out of sheer boredom or a frustrated desire for some sexual and emotional variety, that may be to a kid’s ultimate benefit.
But I wouldn’t be capable of living in a polyamorous triad or quad or quint. There are just too many moving parts, too many personalities involved. My boyfriend and I prefer a traditional family structure—one couple, married, living under the same roof, raising a kid—and we have very traditional views when it comes to adultery, i.e., it’s okay when husbands do it. And since neither of us is the wife…
Uriel-238 @ 44 – I always enjoy reading your posts. You’re articulate, intelligent and always a good read. Just as I do Kim in Portland, and others.
Thanks for contributing to SLOG.
Poly isn’t for everyone but is a viable option for an alternative lifestyle. It takes hard work, communication, and commitment by the parties. Its evident that this family has all of those things. I applaud their lifestyle choice.
That paragraph makes heads spin because it’s *trying* to. You could just as easily write
“Terisa, 41, has been with two partners for over a decade, falling in love first with Scott (a writer) and soon afterward Larry (a Microsoft programmer). Though the three of them are a dedicated household, they all have outside lovers as well– including a married couple, Matt and Vera, who date Terisa and Larry, respectively.”
It’s still a lot of names to throw at the reader in a lede, but… I dunno, what does the amount of information I can absorb in a single paragraph have to do with who I fuck?
Thank you, Frau Blucher!
I can see how polyamory can be threatening to those who’ve felt forced to accept a monogamous lifestyle. My best friend’s beau was completely content in what was a hot, hot, hot relationship (they could never finish watching a movie or make it back home from a party before they were naked and all over each other) until he learned about my two flings at the time that were perfectly aware of each other. It never occurred to him that he could have two girlfriends at the same time with everyone okay with it.
Ironically, he was the one to insist originally that their relationship be exclusive.