…do nothing for me.

And, yes, I realize they’re not supposed to do anything for me. The clip above is from their 3D movie, and comes to us via Towleroad, who got it via YouTubers intent on “fueling millions of gay tween fantasies,” says Andy. Meh. I can appreciate the beauty of the odd teen idol as much as the next (honest) person, but these Jersey virgins are just bleh. They not even good roundups, i.e., “When I round that one up to 27 in my imagination I can totally see fucking him then.” I happily admitted to wanting to fuck the shit out of 2/3 of Hanson way back when the lead singer reached 18-ish. The older two Hansons are hot—and they’re both hotter now than they were then…

a49d/1236027777-hansonbros.jpg

…so I’m not trying to play down some embarrassing burning lust for the Jonas brothers. If i thought they were even remotely sexy I’d say so. But they’re just… not. Not sexy. Not engaging. Not anything. They’re not sexy now, they’re not sexy after ten imaginary years have passed, they won’t be sexy after ten actual years have passed.

Kids today.

38 replies on “The Jonas Brothers…”

  1. It’s just cause you have black hair, you go for the blonds. For me (blond, blue-eyed), the Jonases win, in their candy-ass way. Nothing personal. I’ve just always gone for the dark-eyed types.

  4. Totally agree, Dan. Disney is a powerful marketer & it’s all in the marketing. I always thought Vanna White was pretty plain and boring too, but she’s always been described as Venus, the goddess of love or something?? It’s the power of suggestion. Big bucks behind the promotion of the ‘tween bores, the Jonas brothers.

  5. Are gay people really perving out over the boy band my kids see during commercial breaks on Disney Channel? Ewww, that’s seriously disturbing…

  7. Yeah I know what you mean; and I suspect they are going to loose whatever looks they have fast as they age, like Osmonds.

    I was skipping past Dane Cook on TV the other night, thinking – yet again – that 1) he works really hard while not being funny; 2) he looks like he “should” be hot, but he’s just not.

  9. @8, ah, okay; that’s different. I misread Dan’s post. That’s fine I guess. Am I the only commenter here who isn’t in their preteens? That would explain an awful lot.

  10. Jesus, Dan, you’re turning into a curmudgeonly old fart. I hate to think what you’ll be like when you’re my age.

  13. ugh, thanks Dan. The Jonas brothers are very very very much not hot. at all. (23 year old straight female) and I can say with certainty that I would not have thought they were hot when I was 16, either. Apparently I have always had the taste of a gay man, because the classic Abercrombie boys were always my thang.

  15. Come on! I totally get where Dan is coming from. I get the whole Hanson thing – although sex never entered my mind, Hanson was hot. Jonas, not so much. But who are we to talk really. If I trot out my teen idol (Rex Smith), I’m sure those who were significantly older than I was then would look at him and say, “Feh.” I tried to watch HSM3 with my niece (who is 7) this weekend, and I had to leave the room. It was HORRIBLE! But if you had told me the “Sooner or Later” was not magnificent back in my early teens, I would have burned you as a heretic. Thank God most of us grow out of it. (Although I’ll admit finding the songs from “Sooner or Later” on itunes recently made my day. I was fourteen again for a couple days. Then, I got over it.)

  17. @1: Eh. I have dark hair too, and nearly always go for brown-eyed brunettes.

    Except for the Jonas Brothers, who collectively have the goofiest hair I’ve ever seen.

  18. Nor can they sing! Everything I’ve heard (tiny insufferable) bits of has been hookless, off key, off beat and tedious. I suppose that’s the whole point though. Their allure is that they are in principle unenjoyable, hence their value comes wholly from the viewer’s willfull decision to adopt them. Or maybe teenage girls simply lack any concept of taste.

  19. Right, commenters, it’s only gay people who comment on the sexiness of teen idols. No straight males ever paid attention to poor Britney.

    As for me, I prefer a bit of flava in my boy bands (Menudo, por favor, or at least some skin).

  20. The fact that some older woman (his mom) is taking off his shirt for him really adds to the not-sexy factor. He can’t take off his own shirt?

  22. I’d be happy to honestly comment about the sexiness of teen idols if I found them (the Jonas Bros.) to be sexy, but I don’t. I like men, tall, willowy blue-eyed brunettes with great shapely asses.

  23. Somebodies pushing to make mountains of money off of easily influenced teen girls with daddy’s credit card. These guys have no passion. They have no looks. And they really need to have sex so they can sing good love songs. Dan’s right.

  24. They’re supposed to be sexy to eleven year old girls, not thirtysomethingish dudes. In a non-threatening way. And my eleven year old daughter totally buys it. She had never told me she thought anyone was cute- ever- and last week out of the blue she said she thought Nick Jonas was cute.

    For tween girls, pop stars provide a safe outlet for the first romantic stirrings without any of the complications that ensue from liking actual boys (90% of whom, in a cruel twist of biology, are still years away from puberty.)

  28. Stella @15…I can’t believe anyone else remembers “Sooner or Later”… I loved that movie when I was a teenager…and Rex Smith was hot back then! Now I’m going to have to go on iTunes and give the soundtrack a little listen. Also, although Hanson were my daughter’s crush when she was a preteen, I’d have to agree that they’ve grown up quite nicely! Thanks for the memories, Stella!

  29. That Hanson on the right looks like a complete tool. I’d so do the one in the middle, but that’s probably because he looks gay and I have an unfortunate tendency to pick those.

  31. What’s wrong with the youngest Hanson? He’s pretty cute, too. He’s the one with the blue shirt with the pineapple on it in the picture. The middle one and the one with the red tie are the two oldest.

  34. I’ll use one of Savage’s own suggestions here, and add “I think” or “For me” to all these “so-and-so-is-not-sexy” posts. It kind of helps redeem it, a little.

  35. They’re all hot to somebody. Right? I don’t agree with person who posted Dane Cook “not hot!” He is sexy as Hell! Check out some of the major gay porn sites if you want perfection, by the way. What do these guys do? Maybe your paper should do a story on them. I wanna know!

  36. ages ago there was some Slog post mentioning how Dan Savage likes boys who look like Cate Blanchett… I still think that’s hilarious.

    as for the Jonas brothers… http://l.yimg.com/g/images/spaceball.gif

    The Jonas Brothers are for girls who don’t understand that the reason they like ‘Twilight’ is because they’re afraid of sex.

  37. So it was OK for straight guys to lust after an under-18 Britney Spears, but it’s not OK for a gay guy to say that The Jonas Bros. or Hanson are cute? Nice double standard…

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