31 replies on “Tonight’s Special Offer”

  5. You’ll make fun, but I couldn’t give a shit. The oil does work.

    It does.

    On what is your faith based? An obscure text with questionable authorship? Some “gut” feeling? A presupposition of “goodness”?

    Maybe it’s based upon a secular notion of our “shared humanity”?

    I was (as will you be) amazed by the Oil. It won’t be long before you agree.

    I wish I was kidding.

  8. “Anthony”… He has spoken to me of you. Don’t worry: the situation with the girls downstairs has been preempted by the gurgling of your silent forcefulness. Thanks for keeping my secret. But stop lurking by the corner!

    My friend… your god has bled for you. I’ll place my lips upon the chalky rome, but please recognize His sacrifice before you doubt his Oil.

  9. Speaking of ridiculously transparent trolls, can everybody please resist the temptation to reply to Loveschild from now on? The whole “I’m faithfully liberal except for one glaring omission” gimmick was pretty awful to begin with, and it’s only gotten worse as time goes on.

  10. Chris, I’m happy you said so. I’ve been too guilty of responding to that ‘child, but will promise (I Promise!) not to feed that stupid troll again. Sorry for my transgression. She just hurts me so bad!

    (but I’ll stop…)

  13. If this “JC blood oil” worked for you there may be something very wrong. Because of a bizarre case of product tampering it actually contains blood of satan oil. If it worked for you it means that your loyalty has always been with satan and that he now owns your soul.

  14. This reminds me of an old Onion ad I saw a long time ago but never forgot:

    “Love and forgiveness of Christ now available in exciting new gel form!”

  16. How exactly do they extract this oil? Do they have a couple of husky peasant women stamp down the Body of Christ in a barrel in their bare feet to express it? Do they use some sort of mechanical extrusion device to squeeze the oil out of his never-decaying flesh? And can they get multiple pressings out of a ripe Savior, like they do with olives?

    I think these are very important questions…

  18. Comte, well said! I particularly would like to know the smoke point of BOJO because if I set off my smoke alarms cooking again, my neighbors are going to come down upon me like a swarm of locusts and smite me. Or something.

  21. Lovely website too:

    “This is regular olive oil which represents the Holy Spirit and a special coloring to make it look red thus we call it “The Blood of Jesus Anointing Oil.” There is no virtue or healing in this oil, it is a point-of-contact and an act-of-faith.”

  24. Wait, so BOJO IS just olive oil? Which means, technically, a believer could just anoint themselves with whatever they’ve already got in the pantry, and if they only BELIEVE hard enough, they could cure themselves of all manner of afflictions?

    So, I guess that would explain why believers never get sick, or suffer from physical debilities, or grow old, or die, right?

    Okaaaaay, got it.

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