Somewhere in the future; somewhere in the Middle East:

American soldier: “…Say that slowly and clearly this time. And speak directly into the translator. OK? You comprende? Good. Now, who… are… you…?”‘

Arab speaks, translator translates: “I’m a terrorist. I have always been a terrorist. Since I was a boy, my dreams have been about blowing up innocent people and babies. Blowing up markets, restaurants, airplanes in the middle of the air. This is the who I am and will always be to you.”

Charles Mudede—who writes about film, books, music, and his life in Rhodesia, Zimbabwe, the USA, and the UK for The Stranger—was born near a steel plant in Kwe Kwe, Zimbabwe. He has no memory...

11 replies on “Universal Terrorist Translator”

  1. Well, if the military keeps firing all of its skilled translators because they’re gay, I guess they’ll have to use machines to do it.

  4. Rolf treeoleeo homproon anrompeoleo! An kroozh neelavine, vrans forblamma flognor, haha…gelimnik lav.
    /spore

    Technically, only people from very near the Arabian Peninsula are Arabs. Iranians, Afghanis, Iraqis, etc. are not Arabs.

  5. @1 ftw.

    @4 is correct. Our enemy – our real enemy – are actually Wahhabi extremists, and they’re pretty much all Saudis or ex-Saudis. Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan – not even remotely similar. It’s like saying, because your enemy is Texas and you get your wind and oil from them, that your enemy is Southern and then start killing people from Alabama.

  6. @4,

    People who speak Arabic as their primary language are Arabs. So you’re right about Iranians and Afghans. Also, the afghani is a unit of currency.

  7. Why is it Americans revert to pidgin Spanish whenever they talk to a foreigner? This happens on the Amazing Race no matter where they are (China, India, etc.)

  8. Since even the Arabs can’t agree on who’s really Arab, Kesh’s definition is probably about as useful as anything.

  10. Anyone who’s used an actual computer translator can see the issue here. Most likely the result of the situation illustrated in the article would be something like

    “Your bombs-having car interior open and look sharp. Also hold your guns.”

    Yeah, THAT’D turn out well…

  11. Somewhere in the future Charles Mudede, or at the very least the Stranger, will realize that monotone condescension is neither enlightening nor entertaining to read.

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