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Yesterday, right after I left work, I noticed the side of my hand was itchy. After a blast of scratching, three bumps became visible—identically tiny, all lined up in a row, like a bite from a three-fanged vampire bat. And they were so itchy I was required to buy a topical spray.

I don’t think it was an actual three-fanged bat, but it had to be something. Thank you for your best guesses.

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...

95 replies on “What the Shit Bit Me?”

  9. I have a good healthy fear of bedbugs, but it’s not only hope that’s making me think 6 is right. (Over the course of my life, I’ve had bites like these maybe three times—always in summer—and these bites showed up right after I coiled up a dusty tech cord at Hugo House.)

  11. Dear god!! It’s not bed bugs.

    It’s a spider bite, they work in a line injecting digestive juices then come back the next night for the meal.

  14. 11: Thank you. Is it rude of me not to return to the scene of the bite this evening for the spider to harvest his feast?

  15. Your boss or your boss’s landlord needs to pay for a bedbug-sniffing dog to visit the office ASAP. If he balks, threaten him with OSHA, WISHA, and L&I. You got these at work. Now, I know you wouldn’t want to be forced to take legal action….

  26. Dammit! I’m so afraid of those things. I know you can’t tell me where you live for fear that I am a stalking psychopath, but let me just ask, does your neighborhood rhyme with Hapitol Cill?

  27. If the bite starts to turn necrotic it could be a hobo spider. These have a very bad sting and have been moving into the Pacific Northwest as global warming occurs.

    I’ve been stung several times over the years and it makes me sick for 1 to 3 weeks (flu-like symptoms).

  36. I’ve had spider bites like that when I was crashing in a friend’s basement during college. Used to see the little fuckers (actually, they were really big for spiders) scurrying under the furniture when I woke up.

    But, yeah…BED BUGS!!! SCABIES!!! UNCLEEEEEEEEEEEAN!!!

  38. according to prison tattooing, three dots mean Mi Vida Loca.
    Which means you were bitten my a Mexican (spanish-speaking?) inmate.
    There, glad I could help.

  42. David,

    I have a friend who specializes in bed bug issues. Shoot me an email or call and I can hook you two up.

    Somebody at your office has my contact if you do not, Segal, Constant, or Madrid should have my contact likely. If not, ask Forney, she has it for sure.

  43. Some kind of arthropod. Specific? Who cares. Three things will happen. Best case: you’ll itch a bit, and it’ll stop. Middling case: those things are infected with something relatively minor, and you’ll need to see a doctor to get some antibiotics. Worst case: you were bitten by a Fukushima spider, it’s deadly, and you have days of excruciating itching and agony.

    But, it was probably ants or a spider. Given that it itched RIGHT AWAY, I would bet on ants, or other hymenoptera. They inject formic acid and histamine which hurts and itches immediately. Hobo spiders, brown recluses, and the like tend to be PAINLESS bites and you noticed them HOURS later (voice of experience).

    Warm moist heat is going to be one of the best treatments.

  49. I know you probably want to believe the spider people, but you seriously have bed bugs. It happens. Even to clean people. Those look exactly like the bites I got when I had them, and they nearly always bite in rows like that. It could be spiders, I guess, but you need to have the office and your place checked. If you let it go, it’ll cost way more to deal with later, and you’ll have to throw out a lot more of your stuff. It’s not that expensive to rent a sniffer dog, and your landlord should pay for it.

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