Okay, so this will be the end of my smobriety posts.

A Slog reader who would like to remain anonymous writes:

Paul,

Thanks for the timely (for me) reminder on stopping smoking.

My partner quit cold turkey recently, and it’s been highly interesting. I haven’t found many resources on how to survive as the partner, and much more importantly, how to help my partner survive the ordeal.

I’m so proud, it’s amazing what my partner’s doing, but I feel like I’m living with Linda Blair! And yes, my partner’s totally suffering way more than me. In the way that spitting gallons of pea soup must be way worse than having it spat at you.

But still. So cranky! Any advice for the partners out there?

This is a really good question, and I don’t know of that many resources. Plus, I’ve only got my experience: I’ve never dated anyone who’s quit something like that. My girlfriend generally kept our routines going like normal, and that worked best for me. The first few weeks, it’s especially tough when there’s a variation in your regular patterns: emergencies or new jobs or even a vacation can be pretty stressful for someone who’s just quit smoking. I do not suggest rewarding your loved one for not smoking (ESPECIALLY WITH FOOD), because it’s really easy to pick up bad habits when this sort of biological change is going on. Two exceptions to the reward rule: Lavish praise is always good. Sex is also always good. An important note on the lavish praise is that you should only bring up how proud you are of your partner’s quitting smoking when they bring it up themselves. Don’t mention it first, unless s/he does.

I think maybe honesty is the best policy when your partner is getting really aggro in the way that just-quit smokers do. Say some variation of: “Look, honey: I’m really proud of you for doing this, but you’re going through some pretty tough withdrawal symptoms right now. Why don’t we watch a movie/read a book/go for a walk/do something quiet?” When I recognized that my snappishness was coming from nicotine withdrawal, I was less likely to continue it.

A lot of my smoking happened when I was bored, and so having things around to occupy the ex-smoker’s mind is always good. And making smooth transitions from one activity to the next is always good, too, because I always wanted to smoke after stuff: Food, sex, a movie, etc. If one of those activities is quickly replaced with another, those little habit-ruts are easier to avoid.

I think that’s all I have. I hope some significant others of ex-smokers will share their experiences in the comments. I hope it gets easier for you, and you’re doing a really good thing, too; your S.O. will appreciate it once all this is over.

21 replies on “What to Expect When Your Loved One is Quitting”

  1. I was a dedicated smoker and quitting was horrendous. Besides the physical part, I missed the comfort and ritual and the transition function. It was much more complex than I thought it would be and, looking back, I think there was grieving – I think we experience it as a loss.

    I totally second the sex idea. 🙂

  2. Just a thought regarding what you wrote about maintaining routines- I find the opposite is true. I can go a month without smoking if I’m traveling in a foreign country, and not even feel it. It’s my usual routines, like getting drunk on the weekend at my local watering hole, that make the cravings feel insurmountable.

  3. Haven’t had a cigarette in a week. Sent the wife flowers at work cause I’ve been an insufferable shit. Still, I think she knows its worth it.

  4. not mentioning the quitters progress unless they bring it up is really good advice. when i was in the first month or so of not smoking all i wanted was for people to NOT talk about smoking, even if it was for pos-mens.

  5. @1 that is exactly what it feels like. It’s like I’m losing my best friend. It doesn’t help that I can’t drink while I’m doing this.

  7. @1, @2 and @4, so true. These are all dead-on. I’m still in the “really should quit” phase as opposed to the “really want to quit” phase, but knowing what I know from other times I’ve tried to quit, all three of your comments ring true.

  8. @5, yes, I had to quit coffee and beer for 6 months because they were so entwined! I remember getting to a point when I wasn’t counting the days/hours anymore. It was literally hour-by-hour in the beginning, I’d make myself wait one more hour, over and over. It’s HARD. But so worth it really.

  9. 3 stages:

    1. you have to make the nicotine receptors that protrude from your brain wither up and die. this takes about 3 days. Just like quitting cocaine or heroin!
    2. changing a manual/oral comfort habit/ritual — 3 weeks.
    3. changing your mindset engendered by billions of dollars of tobacco company advertising that has convinced you you are “giving up something” — so you don’t relapse on a tough day — three months.

    Could only quit when learned about the brain growths I had never heard about before. Who wants outposts of the tobacco industry growing inside your brain, making your brain need to swim in nicotine soup 24/7? Ugh.

  10. Do smokers get a second body when they run the first one into the ditch? I see so many people smoking I’m beginning to think it’s the case. Quitting anything that is a habit is hard. Try not masturbating for 6 months and THEN you’ll know the meaning of HELL!

    Bravo for quitting the tabbaco, you’ll be tough enough next to tackle that masturbation thyang.

  13. I quit smoking (it’s been almost 6 months!) after at least a pack a day since I was thirteen. I quit cold turkey, with no nicotine replacement therapy. AND I didn’t gain any weight. How? I replaced smoking with running. It’s perfect, because every day during the quitting process I felt my lungs getting healthier. Also, it makes gaining weight almost impossible if you’re running 20+ miles a week, and fear of weight gain was one of the main reasons I put off quitting for so long. Another plus is the mood lift (runner’s high) which is really the only thing that kept me from being a bitch to my girlfriend.

    My girlfriend actually started running with me. We’re running the SF Marathon this year. I would recommend replacing smoking with running to anyone who is physically capable of running, even if it’s a slow jog at first. To those whose partners are quitting, suggest that you start a running program together.

    Quitting smoking was the best thing I have ever done for my health, happiness, and relationship.

  14. @9 That sounds pretty much right to me.

    I quit in April ’07 and did amazingly well until this fall’s extended visit to central Illinois upon the death of my eldest brother. Several days in the town where I grew up had me back on the smokes in no time. I bummed them from my sister for a day or so, then bought a pack. I smoked like hell for the next two days, then tossed them at the airport to come home.

    Since then, I miss them more than I have in a while and have snuck one here and there by buying singles! Like a tramp!

    Dear Jebus-Obama, make me a non-smoker!

  16. Oh God, when my husband was quitting it was like living with Satan on PMS.

    Try making pot brownies or cookies and feed them to your partner regularly. They’re still crazed from the lack of nicotine but in a much mellower way.

  17. I quit three months ago. This seemingly useless advice helped me the most: Breathe. A small but important joy of smoking is those long pulls on a cigarette. Simply taking a few really deep breaths does help.

  18. Oh boo hoo hoo! Another Seattle pseudo-int whimpers about how hard it is without the pseudo buzz that is cigarette smoking. Well you still have your man purse, red converse tennies, horned rimmed glasses, and buzzer on the toilet seat to remind you that you’ve left it up to keep you in permanent pussyville. Your gf may appreciate you being such a sensitive new age guy, but she LOVES a real man in the sack!!!

  19. Thanks for your fine work in helping other people quit their addiction @18. It must be great getting out of bed in the morning and being you, with so much useful, thoughtful knowledge to share with the world.

    Everyone else: Actual, sincere thanks for sharing. Hopefully that’ll help the letter writer and the letter writer’s SO make it through the first few weeks. After that, it gets easier.

  20. I just quit two months ago. I took Chantix, which I highly recommend. For me, it totally took care of the physical withdrawal symptoms – I didn’t have that incessant screaming need inside my head. Also, it stops the cigarette from making you feel good. Knowing that I wouldn’t get anything out of a cigarette made it a lot easier to resist smoking. That left me with the psychological withdrawal symptoms – basically grieving for the lost ritual, missing my little reward system, and learning how to transition from one thing to the next without smoking. I still think “and now I’m going to have a cigarette” almost every time I start walking toward my car. But then I remember I’m not going to, and I’m ok.

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