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Step 4) Profit!
Step 3: Don’t think too much… we’ll tell you what you believe in.
That step is mandatory for most religions.
btw Dan, you misspelled “step one”
Step 3: If you’re female, subsume your identity to your husband’s.
news flash: john hughes, director of the breakfast club, et al, died today. get on it, slog!
The great “family” message of Mormonism is the “families CAN be together forever.™” That is assuming the parents are good, tithing-paying, temple-going (and therefore wear the “garments” aka magic underwear,) Mormons.
In other words, the great beautiful message of the Mormon church for families is: Your family will NOT be together in the afterlife unless you ALL join the church and follow every commandment for the rest of your life.
This is why my mother mourned when she found out I was gay. She knew she had lost me in the eternities of the afterlife.
I lost you at step 1.
How about open communication and respect for all the members. Radical I know, but it seems to work for my liberal Christian/pagan/Catholic/agnostic family pretty well.
Stop three: Get a little on the side. Your dearly beloved won’t mind!
Eating dinner together & talking about your day.
@5: You know, I still can’t quite figure out why having your family with you for eternity on your own planet is appealing. I mean, I love my parents and all, but spend an eternity with them? Shudder.
the error rate for R-71 signatures is going up day by day. dom, are you on this story?
Step 5: Produce as many children as possible, refrain from all forms of birth control.
Seriously, respect one another and accept that everyone is human, mistakes and disagreements are a given.
I use superglue, duct tape and handcuffs.
@5 and 10
Agreed, also, what’s the appeal in having the same spouse/partner after death too? Fine, I’ll be monogamous in life, but when I’m in heaven? I want my fucking honeyed virgins!
Step 6: Move to California and don’t give the Church a forwarding address.
We are crawling with ex-Mormons around here. Gay, straight, you choose. And they are MUCH happier now.
“Family” is a zero-sum game to Mormons. The more “gentile” families they can destroy, the stronger their own become. They drink our family milkshake, they drink it up!
@15 I wish it was that simple but they always seem to find me.
@10, 14 no, no, no – you have it all wrong- you get your own planets with many many wives as there will be more righteous women than men in the afterlife since we’re born more spiritual (and therefore don’t need earthly power or church preisthood rights). You can go visit your dad and his many many wives on their planets and then go home at night, just like at Thanksgiving! You also get serving angels who were the unmarried on earth cuz you can’t have your own planet without a spouse with whom to make more spirit babies who will then go to the planets you made, be tested, get a jesus and start the whole process all over again!
yes, that’s mormon theology, no matter how much they try to whitewash it these days.
Dan, what is your plan to keep families together?
@19 keeping families together is like trying to stop the universe from expanding, preventing your children from ever leaving home or from any species from evolving.
To a point, the shit is out of your hands….
@18: Waittaminute. Let me get this straight. So, as a woman, I’ll still have to be subservient to men in the afterlife?
Where are my fucking virgins, eh?! How come I don’t get fifty of ’em to deflower in my own special way with my own special cucumber?! Or something?!
20 so why try?
father 5 kids by 5 different women, none of whom you are married to-
what’s the diff?
21:
We deserve 50 Calvin Klein underwear models per child, after all they don’t call it labor for nothing. I want to watch them scrub the bathrooms, the refrigerator, and the stove/oven.
@ 23 NOW we’re talking! Don’t forget the Polo models! (wink wink)
@23,
I can think of much more fun things I’d rather have 50 Calvin Klein underwear models be doing in my home…
#15 – FWIW, I’m pretty sure that picture is outside the LA (Oakland maybe?) Mormon temple…
@21 yes, our job is to pump human babies out on earth for spirit babies to live in, and then pump spirit babies out in heaven to go live on new earths to get tested and prove if they love our heavenly husband. Forever.
and that, dear friends, is why it took me ’til age 12 to stop being mormon, but my father ’til age 55
Every Mormon I’ve met has been just as pleasant as could be, but obviously I’ve never discussed their theology with them. Or their underwear. But I can NEVER forgive their treatment of gays, particularly their own gay children. Damnable. That they dare do this in Jesus’ name is abominable.
A mormon guy I know who’s married with two kids and another on the way is in abject poverty. He makes less than 15 grand a year (he’s a grad student). Since he’s in such a sad economic state, he gets medicare, free of course, for him and his family’s health care. However, as a mormon and therefore, by definition, a republican, he’s against a public health care option.
I’ve tried explaining his hypocrisy to him before, but he only answers that he’ll pray about it. He’s a friendly guy, just brainwashed.
Oh, he still tithes 10% of his income (which also includes public assistance/welfare) to the mormon church.
@ 25,
One must be polite when one’s 11 year old is reading what one is typing.
@25 and @31, also keep in mind that if you have 50 Calvin Klein models you can probably have about 45 of of them scrubbing the bathroom, vacuuming the den, mopping the floors, etc. while the other five…
Dan, score one for the crowd with the regular underpants in California: http://ca-ripple-effect.blogspot.com/200…
Porterville, California, a city of approximately 50,000 located deep in the heart of the rural Central Valley, has made itself into the symbol of the anti-same sex marriage crusades, but now the tides may be starting to turn.
…
The Council voted, putting their cards on the table, the voting lights were counted, and the resolution failed to pass 3-2.
We succeeded in showing the world that hearts, minds, and yes, votes, can be changed regarding same -sex marriage, even in the heart of the ultra-red Central Valley!