Back from bankruptcy, and better than ever. Let’s take a tour.
Now “Starring” Vivica A. Fox as the ghost of Dionne Warwick!
(Note to Vivica: You don’t “star” in something that’s real. For example, you star in a movie, but you’re just in a documentary. I’m not the “star” of my job. I just work here. Like you work for Psychic Friends Network. You’d think the Psychic Friends Network would take a strong interest in disassociating itself from the idea of fiction. Unless what you’re trying to say is that psychic friendship is about as nonfictional as that time you guest-starred as sexy security systems expert Toni Cummings on Alias. Is it, Vivica? Is it?)
So anyway, Vivica, say I do call Psychic Friends Network. Who do I get to talk to? Just some bargain basement non-famous psychic, I assume. I bet they don’t even wear eyeliner and pearly lip gloss. I bet they have gender-specific hair and I bet both their sleeves are the same color and I bet they don’t even look like if Angela Lansbury was a Bratz doll. How depressingly mundane.
WAIT.
WHAT.
<———!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Famous Psychic Christian Dion? Do you mean THE Famous Psychic Christian Dion!? The one with the crystal ball and the oracular vest? And who else?
A fucking centaur!? Okay, okay, I’m sold. I absolutely must talk to Famous Psychic Christian Dion and/or that centaur. This is going to be great. Oh my gosh, I have so many QUESTIONS!
Yes. Yes, I have questions. That’s what I just said.
What? Well, yeah, I guess. I have questions about lots of things. Why are you looking at me like that? Are you drunk?
OKAY. JESUS CHRIST. I’LL CALL. But what can I expect? What’s it really like having a psychic friend?
You…mean…like…a…regular best friend? Only it costs $2.99 a minute?
Holy. Fuck. Dude. Stop yelling at me! Who are you? Are you my new best friend?
“Every call is confidential, so you can get as intimate as you like with your psychic friend.”
…doesn’t really answer my question, but okay. Um, wait, who am I getting intimate with again?
GAAAH! Fuck!
Please just let me go home. I never did anything to you. Please. I just want to see my mom again.
Please.
Best post *ever* on the slog.
I’m calling Christian Dion RIGHT NOW i need to ask him where he found that goddamm sweater vest. xo
is christian related to celine??
vivica used 2 B a hott.
With the exception of the kid on painkillers from the dentist, this is the hardest I’ve snickered all day.
Is that the Drag Queen from the Dune Hump film?
I’m not the “star” of my job.
HA!
OMG! i’m crying. my boss wants to know why i ‘m cracking up in my office. i’m BUSTED!
Why would a centaur share his ancient magic with humans? He is a traitor and is thusly BANISHED from the Forbidden Forest.
Confession time. In 1991 I racked up a $750+ phone bill calling Psychic Friends. And nothing came true.
http://skepdic.com/psychic.html
in case anybody still takes these charlatans seriously.
http://skepdic.com/psychic.html
in case anyone still takes these charlatans seriously.
Oh yeah… THIS is why I keep coming back to read the Slog. Well, stuff like this, anyways.
Thank you, Lindy. Thank you so much.
@10- I can predict your future. You will earn the money back by paying for other people’s gas with the gas credit card your parents gave you. Also- whatever you do, do not sell your video to In Your Face. They’ll ruin it, I tell ya!
Great post. Please, please start your own blog.
Where is Dionne Warwick? These people are freakin’ amateurs compared to Dionne!
Lindy West, star of… SLOG!!
“Vivica A. Fox is no friend of The Psychic Friends Network”, Ms Fox claims in an ex-clew-sieve Black Voices innerview –
http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2009/02… –
but she does nothing to explain her appearance in the video (source of those stills) or why she refers to herself so Bob-Doleishly.
@17 Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Vivica A. Fox can shave the baby.
Best laugh I had all day, thanks Lindy!
Seriously, the BEST! Thank you!!!
OMG I love Lindy West.
Lindy, you ARE TOO the star of your job. You’re, like, the Brenda Starr of SLOG.
OK, this was one of the best Slog posts ever. And, will probably be the best of the eyar, if Slog had a Best of the Year award show. But, blah@14 amused me greatly with the comeback that I was going to type.
Who cares about the psychic friends when you call the NKOTB.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxH67j0ZU…
I had a friend who signed up to work at psychic friends. They sent him the handbook which as we read stoned. I sort of wish I had read it sober so I can remember it better, but the gist was have the caller keep talking and make as vague and noncommital “predictions” as possible. I also remember some stuff about how you need to make negative predictions but then offer then advice on what they could do to avoid these bad things happening. All in all it was exactly what you suspect it to be. My friend felt dirty scamming people so he never actually did any work for them.
A++++ post. The centaur won me over.
I agree with Lydia @27, You had me at Centaur. I would pay $2.99 a minute for Lindy to be my best friend.
“I’m not the “star” of my job. I just work here.”
Well Lindy, if you had a better agent, that might not be the case. At least check your Personal Services Contract next time, and ask to have the language inserted – wouldn’t be the first time that’s been done.
his myspace page lists Christian as 98.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseac…