I am Chuck Palahniuk’s new novel, and you bought me without even reading the synopsis on the dust jacket. I am exactly like Chuck Palahniuk’s other novels—short, punchy sentences; grotesque trivia; poetry-slam-style repetition throughout. I am also peppered with difficult emotional truths, because market testing has proved that my audience demographic enjoys those. Here’s one: Every Chuck Palahniuk novel is just like any other Chuck Palahniuk novel, except for each new one is slightly worse than the last. I am the worst one yet. But I will not be his worst novel for very long. He keeps churning us out every year, so next year’s book, which will be worse than me, is probably nearing completion. You can almost picture Palahniuk sitting at his desk, writing it:
Scribble-scribble dead-inside characters.
Scribble-scribble reference to bodily fluids.
Scribble-scribble plot twist.
Did you know that one of the leading causes of carpal tunnel syndrome is sex? Turns out, as people get more and more obese, pushing themselves up when they’re having sex missionary-style puts too much stress on their wrists. And overusing a vibrator can cause repetitive stress damage, too. This is just the kind of “shocking” trivia that Chuck Palahniuk uses to fill space in his novels.
Scribble-scribble pessimistic worldview.
Scribble-scribble large print.
Scribble-scribble prescription-drug abuse.
I am a novel about a woman who takes care of an older, washed-up celebrity, and I am written in the most annoying style of any Chuck Palahniuk novel to date: screenplay prose (“Cut to me running, a trench coat worn over my maid’s uniform…”), with all the names of characters appearing in bold print. These obnoxious tics make me nearly unreadable. Did you know that obsessing over celebrity is unhealthy? And that our whole culture is obsessed with celebrities? That is what I am all about.
Scribble-scribble ham-fisted social commentary.
Scribble-scribble wasn’t that Fight Club movie great?
Scribble-scribble clever internet marketing.
And now, because we are near the ending, it is time to reveal the obligatory Chuck Palahniuk twist. I am not Chuck Palahniuk’s new novel at all. I am a book reviewer who is parodying Chuck Palahniuk’s style! I bet you didn’t see that coming. Did I shatter your complacent existence, sheeple? Did I uncover some heavy emotional truth for which you were unprepared? Tough shit. Deal with it.
Scribble-scribble pat ending.
Scribble-scribble phony emotional climax.
Scribble-scribble see you next year. 
Cut to me enjoying this review.
Dear Paul Constant,
Love is not a strong enough word for how I feel about you. You are the best ever.
Love,
Jocelyn
P.S. Did you know that one time I bought Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and then the next day I read that you hated it so I returned it without even opening it? I am your sheep.
Mr. Constant, you are brilliant.
I am the features editor for a college newspaper and decided to take up the challenge of doing a review of “Tell All.” Being an idiot, I kept pushing off reading it till the last possible minute and was reading until 5 a.m. Monday night. After getting some sleep and dwelling on the book I just felt completely bitter. I was just pissed off at the book as I wrote my review. Later on I thought, “maybe I was just being bitter and maybe it was actually a decent book…” However, the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how terrible it was.
Your review confirmed everything I thought. I want to thank you for not being a Palahniuk sheep and just giving it praise because it has his name on it.
I’m not sure what your policy is on this and feel free to delete my comment if needed, but here is my review. I would love to see what you think.
http://www.thefalcononline.com/article.p…
Thank you for your honesty. You are my champion of the day.
Sincerely,
Dusty Effin Henry
For whatever it’s worth, Chuck’s last novel was better than the several that preceded it. (Which is to say that Pygmy was the best since Choke.)
Am I gonna buy and read Tell-All? Sure. But then I never claimed to learn my lessons.
Sometimes I feel the same way about the books of Martin Amis.
@2: “P.S. Did you know that one time I bought Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and then the next day I read that you hated it so I returned it without even opening it? I am your sheep.”
Hee! You are adorable.
I bought the book. I’m looking forward to reading it. But I won’t deny that Palahniuk’s style is mockable and the reason he can churn out a book a year is because he has a formula and sticks to it.
This review will be the best thing I have read all day, including however much of ‘Tell All’ I can get to.
But I’m still excited to read the book.
jealous?You’re jealous.No Homer, we all got the same chairs..psst, here’s the REAL number for 911.Lenny whispers – it’s 912.
Here’s the thing: Chuck Palahniuk writes beach books for nihilists (or closet nihilists, or weekend nihilists, or would-be nihilists, or meta-nihilists, or not-really-nihilists who just like the word). That’s both the supreme compliment and the supreme insult. You can only do so much de Sade, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche; you can only spend so much time arguing that the neo-gnostic pantheism of Bruno and Blake is de facto nihilism. You can read the manifestos that defined futurism and surrealism and situationism ’til you’re blue in the face, but the truth is, sometimes a brooding misanthrope–particularly one with a self-effacing sense of humor–needs something to read on the plane/bus/lakeside.
did someone just mention palahniuk and dostoevsky in the same comment? i think my penis just imploded.
kudos for calling it like it is with chuck. like most people, i enjoyed fight club, found survivor okay, then watched as every book recycled the same tropes at the expense of:
1. people i can give a shit about;
2. a coherent storyline that doesnt consist of either, a) repeating lines over and over, and b) vomiting useless facts into my mouth and telling me it’s ice cream.
hats off, sir!