Paul Constant Gives the Shittiest Gifts

1. Maybe “Douchewords” would be more apt.

2. Oh, hell, Paul’s never heard of a single word in the entire book. You probably know more of them than he does.

3. I’ve probably said all of those “150 words no dudes should ever say” within the past 24 hours.

4. @3, those words include: after you, chic, wrapping paper, it’s complicated, intelligence, tweeze, uterus, and women’s suffrage movement.

   GAH.

5. Good lord. Amazon previews some of the pages. The “words no dudes should ever say” are sprinkled throughout.

   Dude, don’t say it: “Beret”
   What it means: a hat fancied by Frenchmen and artists.
   It’s only okay when: discussing the military elite forces called the Green Berets. When a guy’s that badass he almost needs to wear a beret out of fairness to guys who aren’t.

   Dude, don’t say it: Decor
   What it means: doesn’t matter, no dude should use a word with an accented vowel – it is the extended pinkie finger of punctuation.
   It’s only okay when: explaining to your date that your unmade bed is actually a very hip form of decor call the “natural look.”

6. Well hey, I can just picture Fnarf saying “After you, I need to put some wrapping paper on my uterus and tweeze it.”

7. @6, That sounds quite chic.

8. @6 – That doesn’t even make sense. How are you supposed to tweeze your uterus after it’s already wrapped?

9. Is one of the words “mouthfeel”?

10. Eight words a dude should definitely never say: Is it okay if we split the bill?

11. I think Tweeze Uterus & the Women’s Suffrage Movement would be a good name for a band.

12. I need to know these forbidden words and work them into my vocabulary ASAP. I hope one of them is “elegant.”

13. God, yes, Roma @11! Make it happen!

14. For some reason Uterus Tweeze sounds more like a frontperson’s name, but either way that’s great. The first album can be called Decor.

15. @12, I prefer “swellegant”.

    I definitely used “tweeze” today, but I’ll admit it’s been a while for “Women’s Suffrage Movement”. I did say “Sweet suffering Christ on a crutch” just today, when I saw this book; is that close enough.

16. All I know is that a bunch of FTM transsexuals are going to be stoked that buying this book is so much cheaper than having surgery on their genitals!

17. I’m using “bandsill” and “girder” instead of “joist” from now on.

    @15 – I love me some horrible portmanteaus. I’ll add “swellegant” just below “flavorite.”

18. Thanks Paul & Levislade. Glad you liked it. Yes, their first album can be Decor and it would include a cover of Graham Parker’s “Wrapping Paper” (off his fine album Struck By Lightning.)

    15/Fnarf, I’ve always like combo words (whether intentional or not) like your “swellegant.” I’m reminded of a guy I worked with about thirty years ago who would unintentionally create words. One day he referred to someone who was very exuberant as “voisterous” and I thought that would be a great word to describe someone who talks loudly.

19. @17, @18, I should probably point out that “swellegant” isn’t mine, it’s Cole Porter’s. “Well did you evah? What a swell party, a swell party, a swellegant, elegant party this is!”. Which also includes “It’s all just too, too exquis, really” and a host of others.

    “What frills! What frocks! What broads! What furs, what rocks!”

    God, I could do the whole thing. Bing and Frank in “High Society” are the definitive version.

20. Here, see for yourself:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCHVEDmPY…

21. if men omit the word “uterus” from their vocabulary, does that mean they can’t talk about abortion anymore? and they can just get their dirty little noses out of it???

22. Is this like that book “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” that I gave to my dad as a joke 25 years ago?

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