You know someone’s having fun with you when, on the second page of a book, the author calls himself “a leader, not a reader.” This Is Herman Cain!—which, it should be noted, is not written by Herman Cain (the uncredited authors are Jerry and Deborah Strober)—can’t possibly be taken seriously. It must be some kind of joke.
Cain! begins with a narrative of growing up in the segregated South. It’s a preposterous tale, a racial pornography for white conservatives who say they’d love black people if they just acted more like white people. Cain and his brother drink from a water fountain earmarked for whites. “Then we looked at each other,” he—or his white ghostwriters—writes, “and said, ‘You know what? The “whites only” water tastes just the same as the “coloreds” does!'” One can imagine a wealthy elderly white man reading this book while reclining on the sundeck of a Carnival Cruise ship. At that line, the reader lays the book down on his chest for a moment and allows his eyes to squeeze shut and his mouth to loll open in a paroxysm of joy—at last, a black man who admits that “separate but equal” was the way to go!
The second Cain we encounter is the flimflam man, the self-help artist. He ideates himself as “a true CEO of Self” with a three-step “ROI” plan for self-incorporation: Remove barriers, Obtain the right results, and Inspiration. In this way, in a chapter titled “Mathematics to Pepperoni,” he becomes CEO of a flailing pizza franchise operation and then whittles it down to profitability. Then he develops colon and liver cancer, and the doctor explains that to treat Cain,
“I’m going to make an incision like a J.”
“Like in J-E-S-U-S?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said.
I replied, “A ‘J’ cut!”
I smiled and said, “Thank you Lord!” That’s because when you are in the “Word,” you can listen and hear when God is speaking to you.
This idiotic magical thinking continues in a chapter about frequent occurrences of 45, Cain’s lucky number. Then, the few lines in the book Cain could possibly have written on his own come in a verse he claims to have written to celebrate the birth of his granddaughter, a poem “which I signed as The Hermanator, aka Herman Cain.” (Rhymes include “life” with “right,” “faces” with “place,” and “arms” with “old.”) As if to parade his ignorance to his readers, Cain answers his own “rhetorical question: ‘When was the last time they fixed something in Washington DC?'” with “the Revolutionary War may have been the last time they did that!'” (That’s impossible because Washington, DC, didn’t even exist then; Congress approved the construction of Washington, DC—talk about big government!—in 1790. Also, apparently the Civil War and beating Hitler were not what Cain would consider fixes.)
I could go on. But. He can’t be serious. Can he? As a humorous fiction, I Am Herman Cain! would be one of the most hilarious books published in 2011. As a straight-up memoir, it belongs in the horror aisle. It’s a put-on, and I laughed out loud several times while reading it. I mean, near the end of the book, when Cain promises to do to America “what I did when I put Burger King’s Philadelphia region on the right track,” he’s got to be joking, isn’t he? Nobody can take this seriously, right?
Right? 
@50: Sorry about the misspelling. It should read “of” instead of “off” in the sentence about Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize.
@50: And the h in “The” (re: The GOP) should be lower case.
Okay. I’m done proofreading my novel.
@50: I believe that relatively few of the shot callers in right-wing cabal who marshals all the Obama hate are real bona fide true believers in the Trumps, the Horsemen, and the Firery Chariot. I don’t think that there’s a substantial crew of power players who work like Travis Marshall and Professor Geller writ large. They want the votes of and openly pander to those who do want that, but I think their real agenda is a return to The Guilded Age (1865-1918) with a good healthy dose of Feudalism (400-1400) thrown in for stability’s sake. Westeros with guns. Or maybe Days of the Lord Protector with a Ministry of Love. Panem. Lyria’s Oxford. Something like that. That’s their dream.
Kevy-Kev (Bjornson), thou doth take thyself too seriously. Thoughtful discourse is important; but, using this to compare and contrast Cain v. Obama is nonsensical. “I’m a speed reader” indeed.
#48: Obama supported NATO intervention in Libya,
despite the fact that the rebels, and now the new
government, draws heavily from the ranks of Al
Qaeda and other Islamists. Similarly he threw
Mubarak under a bus; now that Egypt is moving
closer to the Moslem Brotherhood, uncloaked women
and Coptic Christians are increasingly targeted.
Obama’s religion czar, Dalia Mogahed,
has spoken favorably of Sharia law; while his
church of 20 years, is vehemently anti-Jewish.
#48: “The simple truth is that Obama’s story has every bit as much credibility, in the face of considerablly greater scrutiny, as does Herman Cain’s.”
I would settle for “as much credibility” from MSM, but alas, they are in the tank for Obama.
Though even Chris Matthews, who during the campaign said that Obama sent shivers up his leg, is now dissing Obama. But generally MSM is not critical of Obama.
Contrast the critical scrutiny of allegations of Cain’s sexual harassment, with the kid glove treatment Bill Clinton got. Actually I think MSM handled the Clinton affairs appropriately, but they are applying higher standards to Cain.
#48: A “realistic assessment” of Obama’s policies would be, utter failure in economics. Congress is now talking about $1.2 Trillion of budget cuts over a 10 year period, starting the year after the next election. In this era of trillion-dollar budgets, $120 billion is a rounding error.
The “super-committee” of 6 Dems and 6 Reps reminds me of two drunks arguing over the bar tab at the Titanic.
Obama has run up more debt than all previous
presidents, combined. The increase is geometric.
Republicans and Democrats alike participated in
what amounts to a sacking of America.
#53: What is the fiery chariot?
Who are the “Trumps” (plural)?
Who are “Travis Marshall” and “Professor Geller”?
(Pamela Geller is not now, nor has she even been, a “professor.)
What is “westeros”?
What are “Days of the Lord Protector”, “Ministry of Love”, “Panem”, and “Lyria’s Oxford”?
I have my own criticisms of the Gilded Age (1865 – 1918); what are yours? Do you think WWI was a good influence? Because that’s what ended the era of great economic progress, including a dramatic decline in infant mortality and a great increase in middle class prosperity.
What are you talking about?
@55, 56, 57: You really need to learn how to learn out how to discern among your sources the difference between actual fact-based journalists and propagandists. It’s not hard to do. Your claims are as wholly without merit as are the claims of the liars you parrot.
@58: Oops. Spelling error. It’s Gellar. Professor James Gellar, late of the University of Talahassee’s religious studies department.
@58: “And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.” 2 Kings 2:11
“So the seven angels who had the seven Trumps prepared themselves to sound.” Revelation 8:6
Days of the Lord Protector: 1653-1658.
References to the distopian visions found in A Song of Ice and Fire, 1984, His Dark Materials, and The Hunger Games.
You should read outside the right-wing blogosphere. You might find the experience broadening your fossilized and atrophied critical faculties.
HEY! Give the man a break.It’s not like he’s the only black man that loves white boobs in this USA. I’d never vote for him but not because he likes white women and is unafraid to act on it but because he’s just a tanned puppet for the corporate machine. Yay Boobs!
@62: Is that because you’re a boob?
#59: You present a circular argument. You ask
for evidence, but when I present it, you say,
the source is right-wing and therefore cannot
possibly be true. You present no counter
arguments, except “ad hominem”.
Just suppose, for the sake of argument, that
Obama is teleprompter and ghost-writer
dependent. What would proof of that look like?
If everybody who disagrees with you is
automatically excluded from the debate, with
whom do you propose to have the debate?
Would you consider Dan Rather a “fact-based”
journalist? Is that why he was fired from CBS,
and now rambles at an obscure cable channel?
People are starting to realize that MSM are
like the Wizard of Oz, just a bunch of Ivy
League idiots with a big megaphone.
#61: I should read outside the right-wing
blogosphere? How do you know what I read?
What are your sources–the Book of Revelation,
or some trivial song, which you cite (as if
religion or pop culture were helpful in solving
world crises). Even Auntie Grizelda is dissing
you.
I don’t believe everything I read, because I
read different viewpoints. I knew Eric Garris
from the mid-seventies in Berkeley. I met
Justin Raimondo a few years later. I knew them
both well before they created http://www.anti-war.com.
So it’s not like I’m sheltered in a cloister,
and am not a true believer in the Messiah
because I have not been shown the Truth.
If you can document your faith in Obama, or
have some serious dirt on Cain, please share;
I’ll add your articles to the dozens I read
each day.
@64 I actually read a few of Jack Cashill’s articles leading up to Deconsrtucting Obama, and he makes no case. It’s not his political orientation, it’s his bullshit that makes his bullshit claim bullshit. He claims that Obama makes nautical references in his book, but he’s never been to sea. Ayers was a Merchant Marine, therefore Ayers must have ghost-written for him. It’s a bullshit argument. C S Forester never went to sea either.
But I don’t need to attack the rest of his arguments to discredit Mr. Cashill. A picture’s worth a thousand words:
http://mediamatters.org/blog/20110407001…
This only further strengthens my point:
Republicans—–JUST SAY NO!!!!
Wow.
@66: BWHAHAHAHAHA!
This is what this Bjornson guy spends all day in his basement reading”
http://mediamatters.org/blog/20110407001…
“Jack Cashill, author of the charmingly insane book Deconstructing Obama, claims to have unearthed yet another shocking bombshell about Barack Obama’s past. According to Cashill’s WorldNetDaily column this morning, this photo of young Barack Obama and his grandparents in New York is a forgery into which Obama has been photoshopped:
“Cashill writes: “The bench is real. The grandparents are real. The wall behind them is real. Barack Obama is not. He has been conspicuously photoshopped in. Who did this and why remains as much a mystery as Obama’s extended stay in New York.” He embeds a YouTube video that claims to have uncovered the “real” photo, seen below, in which Obama is nowhere to be seen:
“Actually, to say Obama is “nowhere to be seen” isn’t quite accurate, given that the young future president’s right knee is still somehow visible in the “real” photo:
“So yeah: Jack Cashill is a clownish buffoon. Be sure to tell that to the hosts of Fox & Friends the next time they have him on national television. Also, drop a line to Andrew Breitbart, who is quite enamored of Cashill’s “convincing work.”