THURSDAY DEC 12

‘Serpico’

(DVD) You know how almost no one will admit that Al Pacino is past his prime? Well, one look at Serpico, his greatest and most nuanced performance from his most fertile period–two Godfathers, a Dog Day Afternoon, a Scarecrow, and this in just five years!–should make the point irrefutable. The long-awaited disc offers no full-length commentary, but there are a handful of bonus features (an on-set documentary, a photo gallery with narration by director Sidney Lumet) that justify themselves admirably. Mainly, though, there is the film, which never looked so good on video, and the actor, who was never better. SEAN NELSON

FRIDAY DEC 13

Maureen Whiting Company

(DANCE) Maureen Whiting’s long, lanky body lends itself to a wealth of twisty, elongated movements that are a little sexy, a little strange, and a little scary–so, unsurprisingly, that’s a core element of her choreography. What’s surprising is how these movements are just as intriguing and revealing when performed by dancers with all kinds of bodies. The Maureen Whiting Company describes its new piece, Unravel Unrelated Events, as “a colorful evening of chickens, feather boas, some lacy panties, a bit of dancing, and a little mess”–which sounds a little sexy, a little strange, and a little scary. I’m there. (On the Boards, 100 West Roy, 217-9888, $15. Runs Fri Dec 13-Sun Dec 15.) BRET FETZER

SATURDAY DEC 14

Paul Collins

(READING) Portland author Paul Collins (editor of McSweeney’s English As She Is Spoke) has excellent friends, such as Sherman Alexie, Ellen Forney, Tommy Wallach, and Sean Carman. His friends also have a social conscience, and this literary event proves it. Collin’s friends are reading this afternoon to benefit First Place, a school and shelter for transitional youth. I wish Sherman Alexie was my friend. (Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main St, 624-6600, 2 pm, free.) CHARLES MUDEDE

SUNDAY DEC 15

A Karen Carpenter Christmas

(THEATER) After a couple years of wowing crowds in the Bay Area, Tom Ross‘ A Karen Carpenter Christmas arrives onstage at the Hugo House for a strictly limited Seattle run. This sweetly twisted show blends the Carpenters’ greatest, gooiest songs–performed with startling verisimilitude by Katie “Karen” Guthorn and Morey “Richard” Goldstein–with meticulously crafted holiday kitsch to create a surreptitiously heartwarming show even Jesus-hating grinches should enjoy. (Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 325-6500. $12-27. Sat at 2 pm and 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm and 6 pm. Through Dec 22.) DAVID SCHMADER

MONDAY DEC 16

Cher

(FINAL TOUR?) Yeah, so it’s Cher’s final tour, and she played KeyArena once already during this supposedly final tour. However, if you missed it the first time, you should grab this second chance to witness the sparkling splendor that is Cher–in all her costumes, representing every period of her amazing life. I almost peed myself at the last show because Cher was only 12 rows away, descending from the ceiling in a chandelier, dressed in a black-velvet-and-rhinestone cape. After singing for a bit, she came out again dressed as a ringleader, announced that the “Cherish Show on Earth” was about to begin, and then challenged J.Lo and Britney Spears: “Follow this, you bitches!” And that was in the first 15 minutes of the performance. Honestly, it was the best show I’ve ever seen, and I’ll stand by that declaration forever. (KeyArena, $34.75-$79.75.) KATHLEEN WILSON

TUESDAY DEC 17

‘The Two Towers’

(HALLELUJAH!) There’s only one acceptable way to see the extraordinary second chapter of Peter Jackson’s adaptation of Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings trilogy: at the Cinerama, on opening day. Everything else is just catch-up. So, for the love of Elvish, grab a parka and get yourself downtown tonight. There will be shows at 12:01 a.m., 4:00 a.m., and 7:45 a.m. It probably sounds a bit extreme to nonbelievers, but those of us who know the score wouldn’t have it any other way. You can call me a nerd or a child, but this movie–this series–answers almost everything about why I love movies. (Opens Wed Dec 18 at the Cinerama, 2100 Fourth Ave, 441-3080. Also plays at various other theaters.) SEAN NELSON

WEDNESDAY DEC 18

When You Wish Upon a Star

(MUSIC) Now this is a sweet-natured covers night I can get behind: local bands paying tribute to beloved Disney tunes. I can only pray that someone will play “Baby Mine” from Dumbo–a song that makes me swoon with heartache and anticipation. I challenge anyone to perform “Cruella de Ville” with more snot-nosed bravado than the Replacements displayed in their version on Stay Awake, a Disney cover album recorded in 1988–and someone’s just gotta do “I Wanna Be Like You” from The Jungle Book! Now I’m the king of the swingers, oh, the jungle VIP… er, I digress. (Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, 441-5611, $7.) KATHLEEN WILSON