I was thoroughly enjoying myself at a performance of Straight, starring the incomparable David Schmader (who has now replaced Jack from Will and Grace as the dreamiest gay boy whom I would pay to let me be his fag hag), when you informed me, twice--in a raspy, evil voice--to "quiet down." What, I'm not allowed to laugh during a funny performance? You then proceeded to take off your shoes (who knew that stench could be so loud?) and scoot a program around and around and around on the floor. You also scrunched down into your coat, so that it covered your ears--I'm sure that enhanced the sound quality immensely. At the end of the play, I was crying, and not just out of love for Schmader, but out of hatred that a bee-atch like you could ruin my evening at the theater.

--Anonymous