I was thoroughly enjoying myself at a performance of Straight, starring the incomparable David Schmader (who has now replaced Jack from Will and Grace as the dreamiest gay boy whom I would pay to let me be his fag hag), when you informed me, twice–in a raspy, evil voice–to “quiet down.” What, I’m not allowed to laugh during a funny performance? You then proceeded to take off your shoes (who knew that stench could be so loud?) and scoot a program around and around and around on the floor. You also scrunched down into your coat, so that it covered your ears–I’m sure that enhanced the sound quality immensely. At the end of the play, I was crying, and not just out of love for Schmader, but out of hatred that a bee-atch like you could ruin my evening at the theater.
—Anonymous