I am a good person. Okay, stop laughing—I'll put it another way. I'm a good person–ish. In most cases, I make an honest effort to do the "right" thing: I hold doors open for little old ladies; if I have an extra can of garbanzo beans, I'll donate it to a needy person; and if someone in the car in front of me doesn't have enough brain cells to know they can turn right on red, then more often than not, I DON'T lay on my horn and scream, "OH SWEET FAWKING JESUS, WILL YOU PLEEEEEASE MOVE YOUR ENORMOUS FAT ASS??!!" More often than not.

On the other hand! I've also made choices that are... shall we say... mmmm... "morally questionable." Primarily in the arena of porking. For example? Your girlfriend? Porked her. Your boyfriend? Porked him. Your mom? Porked. Your dad and sister on separate occasions? Porked and porked. BUT! I have NOT porked your grandmother—despite any rumors going around the retirement home. I was merely dropping off a can of garbanzo beans. BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON! SEE?!?

That being said, my conscience is constantly nagged by good and evil. "Good" is usually represented by a tiny angel named "Gabriel," and "Evil" is a Pomeranian puppy named "Karen." (Hey, times are tough all over.) When faced with an ethical dilemma, Gabriel might say, "Oh, Humpy. Thou shouldn't pork thy niece's Girl Scout leader!" Meanwhile, Karen is jumping up and down and barking, "YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP!" (Which roughly translates to "PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!") This is why I go through two bottles of Advil per day.

However! My current ethical dilemma has to do with television. As in should I watch a show that's uplifting and good for me or one that's the equivalent of a Totino's frozen pizza covered with ranch dressing and chopped-up Slim Jims? (If it's important, both are shows I'd like to pork.)

Gabriel is whispering in my ear, "Humpy, there's no comparison! Watch the season premiere of Glee (Fox, Wed Sept 9, 9 pm)! Remember when this show about a struggling high-school glee club premiered last spring, and it was so refreshingly charming and good-hearted, you tried to pork your television and nearly electrocuted yourself? That's why you should watch Glee! But maybe without the porking and resulting disfigurement."

Then there's Karen, who's currently hopping on her back legs and yipping, "YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP!" (Multiply this by one thousand.) Translation: "Dude! Are you serious? The new Melrose Place is debuting this week (CW, Tues Sept 8, 9 pm)! And while there's no way they're gonna top the dishy evil of the original, the newest incarnation features Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (umm... what singing career?) and they're bringing back Dr. Michael Mancini (da-rool!) and spoiled-rotten Sydney (who was actually killed off in the original series... but why get bogged down by details?). So watch Melrose Place! Now can I smell your bottom? Can I? Can I? Can I? PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!!"

Tell you what: Why don't I watch both and put my foot up Karen's ass? (Gabriel said it wouldn't be a sin.) recommended

Thursday, September 3


(2006) The internet sensation of 2006—which now, for some reason, feels like a lifetime ago.


In this repeat of the season finale, Michael runs into his old flame Holly and her new (how dare she?) BOYFRIEND!

Friday September 4


A cool reimagining of the Super Friends set in the swinging 1960s!

10:00 THE SOUP

The hilarious Joel McHale reacquaints us with the most humiliating celebrity gossip and TV clips of the week!

Saturday, September 5


(2008) Warning to all seventh graders: Just mentioning the title of this movie will get your head shoved in a toilet.

Sunday, September 6


Goss's plans to televise the space mission are put on hold while the astronauts hallucinate their balls off.

10:00 MAD MEN

His demented father-in-law is really starting to cut into Don's drinking, smoking, and philandering time.

Monday, September 7


Three funny British hosts splooge over the latest and hottest in cars.


A new docudrama based on the Manson Family murders, featuring an interview with a former Manson member.

Tuesday, September 8

8:00 90210

Season premiere! The teens hang out in their bikinis at the beach club, where NBC is filming a new episode of To Catch a Predator. Coincidence??


Debut! Truthfully, I don't care about the return of Dr. Mancini—where's Franken-Kim??

Wednesday, September 9


Season premiere! Tyra's newest models all have a physical disability (yay!): They're under five-foot-seven (boooo!).

9:00 GLEE

Season premiere! A sexy performance lands the glee club in hot water—but really... how sexy can a nerd singing show tunes be?