I Love Television

I am a good person. Okay, stop laughing—I’ll put it another
way. I’m a good person–ish. In most cases, I make an honest
effort to do the “right” thing: I hold doors open for little old
ladies; if I have an extra can of garbanzo beans, I’ll donate it to a
needy person; and if someone in the car in front of me doesn’t have
enough brain cells to know they can turn right on red, then more often
than not, I DON’T lay on my horn and scream, “OH SWEET FAWKING
JESUS, WILL YOU PLEEEEEASE MOVE YOUR ENORMOUS FAT ASS??!!”
More often than not.

On the other hand! I’ve also made choices that are… shall we
say… mmmm… “morally questionable.” Primarily in the arena of
porking. For example? Your girlfriend? Porked her. Your boyfriend?
Porked him. Your mom? Porked. Your dad and sister on separate
occasions? Porked and porked. BUT! I have NOT porked your
grandmother—despite any rumors going around the retirement home.
I was merely dropping off a can of garbanzo beans. BECAUSE I’M A GOOD
PERSON! SEE?!?

That being said, my conscience is constantly nagged by good and
evil. “Good” is usually represented by a tiny angel named “Gabriel,”
and “Evil” is a Pomeranian puppy named “Karen.” (Hey, times are
tough all over.) When faced with an ethical dilemma, Gabriel might say,
“Oh, Humpy. Thou shouldn’t pork thy niece’s Girl Scout leader!”
Meanwhile, Karen is jumping up and down and barking, “YIP! YIP! YIP!
YIP! YIP!” (Which roughly translates to “PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!
PORK!”) This is why I go through two bottles of Advil per day.

However! My current ethical dilemma has to do with television. As in
should I watch a show that’s uplifting and good for me or one that’s
the equivalent of a Totino’s frozen pizza covered with ranch
dressing and chopped-up Slim Jims? (If it’s important, both are
shows I’d like to pork.)

Gabriel is whispering in my ear, “Humpy, there’s no comparison!
Watch the season premiere of Glee (Fox, Wed Sept 9, 9 pm)!
Remember when this show about a struggling high-school glee club
premiered last spring, and it was so refreshingly charming and
good-hearted, you tried to pork your television and nearly
electrocuted yourself? That’s why you should watch Glee! But
maybe without the porking and resulting disfigurement.”

Then there’s Karen, who’s currently hopping on her back legs and
yipping, “YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP!” (Multiply this by one thousand.)
Translation: “Dude! Are you serious? The new Melrose
Place is debuting this week (CW, Tues Sept 8, 9 pm)! And
while there’s no way they’re gonna top the dishy evil of the original,
the newest incarnation features Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (umm… what
singing career?) and they’re bringing back Dr. Michael Mancini (da-rool!) and spoiled-rotten Sydney (who was actually killed off in
the original series… but why get bogged down by details?). So watch
Melrose Place! Now can I smell your bottom? Can I? Can I? Can I?
PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!!”

Tell you what: Why don’t I watch both and put my foot up Karen’s
ass? (Gabriel said it wouldn’t be a sin.)

Thursday, September 3

8:00 SNAKES ON A PLANE—Movie

(2006) The internet sensation of 2006—which now, for some
reason, feels like a lifetime ago.

9:00 THE OFFICE

In this repeat of the season finale, Michael runs into his old flame
Holly and her new (how dare she?) BOYFRIEND!

Friday September 4

7:00 JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE NEW FRONTIER

A cool reimagining of the Super Friends set in the swinging
1960s!

10:00 THE SOUP

The hilarious Joel McHale reacquaints us with the most humiliating
celebrity gossip and TV clips of the week!

Saturday, September 5

9:00 MERLIN AND THE WAR OF THE DRAGONS—Movie

(2008) Warning to all seventh graders: Just mentioning the title of
this movie will get your head shoved in a toilet.

Sunday, September 6

10:00 DEFYING GRAVITY

Goss’s plans to televise the space mission are put on hold while the
astronauts hallucinate their balls off.

10:00 MAD MEN

His demented father-in-law is really starting to cut into Don’s
drinking, smoking, and philandering time.

Monday, September 7

8:00 TOP GEAR

Three funny British hosts splooge over the latest and hottest in
cars.

9:00 MANSON

A new docudrama based on the Manson Family murders, featuring an
interview with a former Manson member.

Tuesday, September 8

8:00 90210

Season premiere! The teens hang out in their bikinis at the
beach club, where NBC is filming a new episode of To Catch a
Predator. Coincidence??

9:00 MELROSE PLACE

Debut! Truthfully, I don’t care about the return of Dr.
Mancini—where’s Franken-Kim??

Wednesday, September 9

8:00 AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season premiere! Tyra’s newest models all have a physical
disability (yay!): They’re under five-foot-seven (boooo!).

9:00 GLEE

Season premiere! A sexy performance lands the glee club in
hot water—but really… how sexy can a nerd singing show tunes
be?