My friend is a gay-identified FTM. He’s hot, he’s cute, and above the waist, you would never guess what he’s got down below. We love to kiss and cuddle, and from my end, his blowjobs are great. The problem is that I have no idea how to reciprocate. He isn’t into anal (why would he be, without a prostate?), there’s no cock for me to suck, and what he does have down below doesn’t interest either of us.
Do you have any ideas on how I could turn him on and get him off? It’s starting to frustrate me. Getting bottom work done is a long way off with the current finances.
Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone
“Your FTM partner has to become comfortable with his own body before you can attempt to satisfy him sexually,” says Buck Angel, transsexual FTM porn star, aka “the man with a pussy.”
“Your partner will need to share with you what his needs are,” says Buck. “Nobody should be expected to guess at what his partner wants. Communication is important, regardless of gender or sexuality.”
I agree 100 percent with Buck—what he said, as they say—but rereading your letter, SFTSLAFI, I’m thinking there’s a chance your FTM partner is comfortable with his body but he’s painfully aware that you are not. Up to a certain point, that’s understandable: You’re a gay guy, not a bi guy, pussy isn’t your thing, etc. But there’s a point at which your aversion to pussy—his pussy—becomes unacceptable.
And you know what? If you’re accepting regular blowjobs from this guy, SFTSLAFI, then you’re well past that point.
Maybe it would help if you didn’t think of his pussy as pussy. All fetuses start out as girls—you were a girl once, SFTSLAFI—until the process of sex differentiation kicks in and “masculinizing hormones,” if they’re present, turn little girl fetuses into little boy fetuses, and little fetal pussies into little fetal cocks. So you know what your FTM boyfriend has down there? Pretty much all the same stuff you do. His clit is analogous to the head of your cock, and his clit has a shaft just like your cock does. He has ovaries for balls and a clitoral hood for a foreskin, and he’s got a piss slit down there somewhere, too.
Think of his pussy as a cock that’s still in the box it came in. It’s like a cock you got at Ikea—there’s some assembly required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination.
Back to Buck: “Maybe you two should start playing with that part of his body together,” says Buck. “Perhaps you can try out some fun sex toys. Or maybe he can masturbate for you, and you will find that hot and want to jump in.”
What’s really important, though, is convincing your FTM boyfriend that you’re not going to freak out when you see him or touch him.
“That fear is why so many FTM guys have a problem dealing with their genitals,” says Buck. “They are afraid of what other people will think or how they’ll react. Once you make him feel safe, then I would almost bet that your sex life will explode.
“Also, just because he doesn’t have a prostate, that isn’t the reason he doesn’t like anal,” continues Buck. “I know lots of FTM guys and women who love anal sex. In fact, many FTMs are into anal and don’t even want vaginal sex.”
You can check out Buck—you can check out all of Buck—at www.buckangel.com, where you can also order his porn, which you might find helpful, SFTSLAFI.
“These guys should watch a Buck Angel film while having sex,” says Buck. “It’ll show him the way some FTMs like to get off and might make him see how hot having sex with an FTM is!”
I’m a straight girl who hates all the slang terms for vagina. Cunt, twat, pussy—first’s too vulgar, second’s too awful, third’s too cute. And vajayjay? Too stupid. All the best sex-organ slang is reserved for men. It makes me sad.
Sent From My iPod
Let’s just call ’em all cock then, shall we? Your pussy, SFTSLAFI’s boyfriend’s pussy, Buck’s pussy—they’re all cocks in the boxes they came in.
I’m a 26-year-old FTM who is interested in seeing what sex with gay men is like. Although I have identified as heterosexual in the past, I do find something appealing in the idea of being appreciated sexually as a man by men who like men. I’m attractive, fit, over average height for a man, and passable—although I am quite slim and look like I’m about 17. I know that gay men find me attractive. I’m often cruised, and men have told me that I am good-looking and have expressed interest in me. In these situations, I’m usually not out as a tranny.
I have a few hesitations, however. I’ve never had sex with a man. I don’t know what would be expected of me with the anatomy I’ve got. I’m worried that those interested in me would see me as a bottom, which simply isn’t the case.
Another worry is appearing so young. I take myself seriously intellectually—presently, I am thriving in medical school—and would like others to do the same. And all these worries presuppose that there are decent men out there who’d even be interested in my body in a respectful way.
Can you, as a gay man, tell me anything about the gay male community? I’d be grateful.
Curious About Gay Encounters, Yep
The gay male community in a nutshell: There are some good guys out there, some okay guys, and lots and lots of assholes—pretty much the same as any other community—and there are definitely gay guys out there willing to go there with a cute FTM. (See the first letter in today’s column; also, see all the guys who’ve banged Buck in his movies.) To separate the good gays from the bad gays, CAGEY, you’ll have to use your best judgment, the same common sense and bullshit detectors you use with anyone else; to separate the gay guys who would be up for sleeping with a trans man, all you have to do is be up-front about who you are and what you’re after with the men who cruise you.
As for your youthful appearance: There will be some “good” guys who’ll cruise you and feel terrible about it—meaning, they’ll find you attractive and think, “No, no, no. He’s way too young.” These guys will be hugely relieved when they learn you’re actually a 26-year-old med student.
Finally, CAGEY, don’t concern yourself with expectations. Just be open and honest about what you’ve got, equipment-wise, and what you’re interested in exploring, gay-wise. Not a bottom? Just say so. It’ll scare off the guys who want to top you, of course, but you don’t want to sleep with them anyway. I promise you that some of the gay guys who cruise you will be psyched to bottom for you—I’m assuming that you, a hetero-identified man up to now, already own at least one strap-on, right?—because it’ll be easier for them to deal with what you’ve got down there if you’re strapping on something they’re used to.
My current boyfriend lets me blow him but refuses to go down on me. I miss oral sex!
Missing Oral Undulations That Hornify
If he won’t eat your pussy, MOUTH, make him suck your cock.
Cunt is just about my favourite word in the English language. I can think of no more intimate a term to describe everything so pleasing & maddening about my lover at the same time. And if it was good enough for Chaucer, it’s good enough for me.
I nominate the word poontang. It’s hilarious, descriptive, foreign yet hilarious, serious, appropriate, and hilarious. Though I do like cock in a box too.
Rach31
I’m FtM, been on T for 10 years, and my clit isn’t really a clit anywhere. I’ve just asked my wife and she reckons when it get aroused it’s about the size of her thumb. I’ve never measured it, I tend to have my mind elsewhere at the time. But it’s definately large for a clit.
Great to see this much positive stuff about ftm sex.
I’ve actually heard of FTMs who -under testosterone therapy- actually have a clitoris enlarged enough to either grind up against the labia, etc. of another or actually penetrate.. I’d say that’s an added bonus for what you go through to manage the FTM lifestyle. That’s gotta be the worst thing imaginable: ever losing sensation downtown.. Indeed: it’s cool to see such smart, varied dialogue happening about a subject like this. Peace out/have a good day everyone.
Punani!
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This site offers public debate and a sphere for social opinion, while also igniting social awareness. It pertains to people of various sexualities and serves as a learning space for people who need specific sexual advice or just for people who are interested in exploring their sexuality.
Advice columns are oftentimes annoying to read and useless because reacting the way the advice tells you to is easier said than done. To be an influential advice columnist you have to live it. You need to mean your words and only preach what you know. Dan Savage certainly knows what he’s talking about.
Advice columns are oftentimes annoying to read and useless because reacting the way the advice tells you to is easier said than done. To be an influential advice columnist you have to live it. You need to mean your words and only preach what you know. Dan Savage certainly knows what he’s talking about
Dan, I really wish you had included just a quick sentence to the MTFs that wrote in saying although they identify as men they still have ovaries and if they are having sex with men they can (AND WILL eventually) get pregnant (even if they are undergoing hormone treatment- testosterone!) The MTFs that have sex with men are a very high risk population for unintended pregnancy.
Cock in a Box is a great story, question and concern most people would have and are having! Like myself, I once had a boyfriend that is FTM without a penis, with me I was concerned that if I continued loving him as a male with a Vagina would I then be… Straight!?! As a gay male I know very well that I like and enjoy the male body, but if I stick with a boy that is not completely a boy..YET, would I enjoy his Vagina more if he kept it or not miss it at all if he got a penis? confused confused confused…so I had to break it off.
Still Searching for the Right One!
Alrighty, I’m going to say what only one other person has said so far!
I am a FTM and I identify as gay, I also have the personality of a top. The issue is, the idea of vaginal horrifies me. I am not a girl, and under no circumstances do I want to have sex as if I am one. anal is just the same. Regardless of whether it would feel good or not, it is still far too close to the female role for me to be at all comfortable with it. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if both of the FTM people mentioned above are the same. It’s hard enough knowing yourself that you are masculine, when it feels like your partner is trying to push you into a feminine role.
It’s not necissarily about what junk you have, it’s about the possition that using it puts you in. Everyone who is saying ‘Work him up to it’, I completely disagree with. If your guy doesn’t want something stuck in him, that’s not going to change.
I would advise the first person to ask his partner how he feels, and if he even feels the need to be pleasured in some way. If so, the best course of action is just to ask him what he wants, and work with him slowly and openly.