My friend is a gay-identified FTM. He’s hot, he’s cute, and above the waist, you would never guess what he’s got down below. We love to kiss and cuddle, and from my end, his blowjobs are great. The problem is that I have no idea how to reciprocate. He isn’t into anal (why would he be, without a prostate?), there’s no cock for me to suck, and what he does have down below doesn’t interest either of us.
Do you have any ideas on how I could turn him on and get him off? It’s starting to frustrate me. Getting bottom work done is a long way off with the current finances.
Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone
“Your FTM partner has to become comfortable with his own body before you can attempt to satisfy him sexually,” says Buck Angel, transsexual FTM porn star, aka “the man with a pussy.”
“Your partner will need to share with you what his needs are,” says Buck. “Nobody should be expected to guess at what his partner wants. Communication is important, regardless of gender or sexuality.”
I agree 100 percent with Buck—what he said, as they say—but rereading your letter, SFTSLAFI, I’m thinking there’s a chance your FTM partner is comfortable with his body but he’s painfully aware that you are not. Up to a certain point, that’s understandable: You’re a gay guy, not a bi guy, pussy isn’t your thing, etc. But there’s a point at which your aversion to pussy—his pussy—becomes unacceptable.
And you know what? If you’re accepting regular blowjobs from this guy, SFTSLAFI, then you’re well past that point.
Maybe it would help if you didn’t think of his pussy as pussy. All fetuses start out as girls—you were a girl once, SFTSLAFI—until the process of sex differentiation kicks in and “masculinizing hormones,” if they’re present, turn little girl fetuses into little boy fetuses, and little fetal pussies into little fetal cocks. So you know what your FTM boyfriend has down there? Pretty much all the same stuff you do. His clit is analogous to the head of your cock, and his clit has a shaft just like your cock does. He has ovaries for balls and a clitoral hood for a foreskin, and he’s got a piss slit down there somewhere, too.
Think of his pussy as a cock that’s still in the box it came in. It’s like a cock you got at Ikea—there’s some assembly required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination.
Back to Buck: “Maybe you two should start playing with that part of his body together,” says Buck. “Perhaps you can try out some fun sex toys. Or maybe he can masturbate for you, and you will find that hot and want to jump in.”
What’s really important, though, is convincing your FTM boyfriend that you’re not going to freak out when you see him or touch him.
“That fear is why so many FTM guys have a problem dealing with their genitals,” says Buck. “They are afraid of what other people will think or how they’ll react. Once you make him feel safe, then I would almost bet that your sex life will explode.
“Also, just because he doesn’t have a prostate, that isn’t the reason he doesn’t like anal,” continues Buck. “I know lots of FTM guys and women who love anal sex. In fact, many FTMs are into anal and don’t even want vaginal sex.”
You can check out Buck—you can check out all of Buck—at www.buckangel.com, where you can also order his porn, which you might find helpful, SFTSLAFI.
“These guys should watch a Buck Angel film while having sex,” says Buck. “It’ll show him the way some FTMs like to get off and might make him see how hot having sex with an FTM is!”
I’m a straight girl who hates all the slang terms for vagina. Cunt, twat, pussy—first’s too vulgar, second’s too awful, third’s too cute. And vajayjay? Too stupid. All the best sex-organ slang is reserved for men. It makes me sad.
Sent From My iPod
Let’s just call ’em all cock then, shall we? Your pussy, SFTSLAFI’s boyfriend’s pussy, Buck’s pussy—they’re all cocks in the boxes they came in.
I’m a 26-year-old FTM who is interested in seeing what sex with gay men is like. Although I have identified as heterosexual in the past, I do find something appealing in the idea of being appreciated sexually as a man by men who like men. I’m attractive, fit, over average height for a man, and passable—although I am quite slim and look like I’m about 17. I know that gay men find me attractive. I’m often cruised, and men have told me that I am good-looking and have expressed interest in me. In these situations, I’m usually not out as a tranny.
I have a few hesitations, however. I’ve never had sex with a man. I don’t know what would be expected of me with the anatomy I’ve got. I’m worried that those interested in me would see me as a bottom, which simply isn’t the case.
Another worry is appearing so young. I take myself seriously intellectually—presently, I am thriving in medical school—and would like others to do the same. And all these worries presuppose that there are decent men out there who’d even be interested in my body in a respectful way.
Can you, as a gay man, tell me anything about the gay male community? I’d be grateful.
Curious About Gay Encounters, Yep
The gay male community in a nutshell: There are some good guys out there, some okay guys, and lots and lots of assholes—pretty much the same as any other community—and there are definitely gay guys out there willing to go there with a cute FTM. (See the first letter in today’s column; also, see all the guys who’ve banged Buck in his movies.) To separate the good gays from the bad gays, CAGEY, you’ll have to use your best judgment, the same common sense and bullshit detectors you use with anyone else; to separate the gay guys who would be up for sleeping with a trans man, all you have to do is be up-front about who you are and what you’re after with the men who cruise you.
As for your youthful appearance: There will be some “good” guys who’ll cruise you and feel terrible about it—meaning, they’ll find you attractive and think, “No, no, no. He’s way too young.” These guys will be hugely relieved when they learn you’re actually a 26-year-old med student.
Finally, CAGEY, don’t concern yourself with expectations. Just be open and honest about what you’ve got, equipment-wise, and what you’re interested in exploring, gay-wise. Not a bottom? Just say so. It’ll scare off the guys who want to top you, of course, but you don’t want to sleep with them anyway. I promise you that some of the gay guys who cruise you will be psyched to bottom for you—I’m assuming that you, a hetero-identified man up to now, already own at least one strap-on, right?—because it’ll be easier for them to deal with what you’ve got down there if you’re strapping on something they’re used to.
My current boyfriend lets me blow him but refuses to go down on me. I miss oral sex!
Missing Oral Undulations That Hornify
If he won’t eat your pussy, MOUTH, make him suck your cock.
blackbird and wtfftm, if you don’t want to have sex with ftms because you feel they aren’t real men and it would diminish your gay identity then don’t do it. just like your being gay doesn’t invalidate the sexuality of straight men, and people transitioning mtf who used to identify as gay men doesn’t mean all gay men have feminine gender identities, if there are gay men who want to screw and/or date ftms why should it affect you? and who cares what the religious right thinks. we all get to define ourselves. but you don’t have the right to define or prescribe behavior for other people.
at_giza, make that, “If you have a Y chromosome, you develop male parts. If you have two Xes, you develop female ones.”
“Male” doesn’t equal “right.”
@11
Okay, I may not be the guy around here who’s gone down on the most girls, but I’d like to think I have at least a fair bit of experience. I’ve been with girls on the pill, off the pill, never been on the pill, ect. I’ve never noticed a massive difference in taste that couldn’t be accounted for by “every pussy tastes somewhat different”.
I should admit, firstly, that I don’t enjoy it directly. It is not a fun experience in and of itself, but I don’t imagine many women consider giving oral sex is enjoyable in and of itself. I enjoy giving my partner pleasure, I enjoy making her happy, I don’t enjoy the actual sensation of eating her out. So, if there are guys or girls out there who consider giving oral sex to be lots of fun as a purely sensory experience for the person giving it, take this as the ignorance it is.
I’ve never particularly liked the taste of a woman’s pussy. I don’t actively hate it, mind you, and I do perform oral sex for as much time as my girlfriends have wanted, but that’s not because I’m really savoring it.
I’ve heard kind of the same thing from girlfriends, though, that they don’t really enjoy the direct experience of giving me oral sex (especially that it’s hard on the jaw), and that they don’t derive any pleasure from the act itself, but that knowing I enjoy it makes it worthwhile.
Especially if he gets off (as I figure many guys, myself included, do) on the idea of you swallowing his semen, it’s a quid-pro-quo kind of deal.
@51
Uh… No. We do start of (physically) with internal genitalia and a proto-vagina. Yes, the proto-vagina and ovaries become either a full-fledged vagina and ovaries, or the ovaries turn into testes and drop, which then cause the formation of the penis, but the actual physiology starts off basically female.
@Everyone
Can we come up with some better slang for oral sex? All of the words I know for either gender (blowjobs, sucking off, going down on, ect. for guys; eating out, going down on, licking her pussy, ect. for girls) sound simply ugly.
@15 as an ftm guy who tried it, I have to express my opinion about the feeldoe. It was horrible. The texture is awful and it was HEAVY.
It seems to me like it’s made for lesbians- the not-really-penis shaped shaft, the enourmous bulb- it’s damn near the size of a baseball. And the texture is disgusting. It feels nothing like a penis which would be great for someone who doesn’t want to think of it as a penis.
This is AWOL who wrote in from the blog and I want to express my sincerest thanks for the really positive ftm letters lately.
How about “fellate”? A nice, erudite, term. Don’t know what the female equivalent would be, though. To “cunnilingate”? Hmm, awkward. “lick” sounds fine to me, though.
@48 yes, that’s the reason I know that my fluids have changed in flavor. I’ve been tasting my own vagina since I was about 14 (I’m 25 now), and it’s significantly less pleasant than it used to be in both odor and flavor. I could tolerate it long enough to get myself off, but that’s maybe just cause I am used to it. If only I could go down on myself 😛
Dan – you say “It’s like a cock you got at Ikea—there’s some assembly required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination.”
I don’t understand why there’s a “but” in this sentence. Everything I’ve ever bought in Ikea could only be assembled in my imagination.
@54: I don’t think 51 meant that females were “wrong”. I suspect the sentence could be more accurately nuanced as “If you have a Y chromosome that has the correct set of instructions for “male”, you will end up developing into a male; if you do not have these instructions, you will develop into a female”.
As in, it’s not *quite* as simple as XY=boy, XX=girl. If you have a Y chromosome that either is missing the “turn into a boy” genes, or has a sufficiently damaged or defective set, you’ll end up a girl (physiologically) despite actually being XY. I think it’s even, at least theoretically, possible to be XX and physiologically male, if the “turn into a boy” genes end up in the wrong place.
I’m with the physician @51, though: women aren’t just underdeveloped men, they do actually develop sexually in different ways.
As to double-dildos (if you can stand and get off on penetration) the Share is great, comes in three sizes, is available at Babeland and many other sex boutiques, and is designed by Germans.
I can’t speak for gay sex or gay sex videos (or FTM sex videos, etc.), but in my experience, watching porn for tips (assuming the porn is useful for that; most hetero porn isn’t very useful for the real world, but I’ll take Buck at his word) is best done *before* you have sex, not during. There’s not much intimate or sexy about trying to focus on the screen while shagging.
If you’re going to watch porn during sex, I’d advise you do it because it’s arousing, not instructional.
@55 Seldon2639 : great comment.
@51 : do neonatalogists still get to practice when they’ve failed Ontogeny 101 ? Scary.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCfT2txzc…
@57
I guess “lick” is okay, it just lacks a bit of… Sophistication, I guess. Something about “licking her [insert euphemism for vagina here]” just rubs me the wrong way. Fingering sounds decent enough, handjob is all right, but all of the phrases I can think of for oral sex are cringeworthy to me.
@58
In the grand pantheon of “unpleasant stuff I’ve done for girlfriends”, going down on one (even if the smell or taste weren’t particularly pleasant) doesn’t rank up there with “giving one of my kidneys”. I *would* check with a doctor, but I also wouldn’t blithely accept that you don’t get to demand satisfying oral sex. If dental dams are necessary, let him buy them (or make DIY ones out of a latex glove).
Though, the point that oral sex on a woman is mostly about the clitoris is a good one.
@60
I’ve never heard of an instance of a genotypically female fetus developing into a phenotypical male. The reverse is well-documented, based on the fetus being non-responsive to the testosterone which should be going through and making changes. But, in order to be XX and develop into a male would require that the fetus essentially be so malformed as to be releasing testosterone instead of estrogen.
It’s possible, I guess, but seems very unlikely.
@61
That wasn’t really Dan’s point (nor anyone else’s). It’s not a pejorative “see, women are just less developed than men” thing; everyone who’s gone to high school knows it’s a different process. What Dan was pointing out is that we all start of roughly physiologically female, and differentiate based on genes.
@62
Depends on the heterosexual porn, I guess. A lot of what I’ve seen, and read, have actually been pretty useful in early discovery of what the hell I’m doing. If I had to relearn sex from scratch again, I’d probably go to porn first.
Yeah, some of it is really unrealistic, but if you find the stuff that actually shows the gender you want to please enjoying him/herself, you’ll usually figure a few things out.
It was porn that taught me where the clitoris is, and good porn that showed me that most women seem to enjoy stimulation there much more than simply being penetrated.
I dunno about FTM porn, but if you can find stuff that actually has members of your desired gender discussing their sexuality, it can be both arousing and instructional.
@63
Thanks.
And, this is one of those “I could claim to be a rocket scientist” moments vis-a-vis the “doctor”.
For all ladies missing oral, there are guys in every city on CL that are oral submissive and want nothing more then to lick you to extasy.
@56: there’s also the Mantric Sysil Edge, which is another strapless strap-on with a bullet vibe and a much nicer texture, and it can also be locked into different angles. It’s way better quality than the Feeldoe, but still pretty much non-realistic in design, though.
@64: I’ve never heard of a case, but I *think* there’s just a few genes involved in the male-development “on” switch, most of the Y chromosome codes for other things. So, if the “on” switch genes ended up on, for example, the X chromosome, it would be theoretically possible to have an XX male. Because, as long as they have the “turn on male development” genes, they’ll come out male.
[does a quick google]
Wikipedia says that not only is it theoretically possible, there are documented cases. It’s rare, but it *does* happen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XX_male_syn…
They apparently tend to be a bit messed up, and sterile, but “sterile and a bit messed up” is a common result for a lot of genetic abnormalities, especially sex-related ones.
@39 Not really: SFTSLAFI isn’t asking how to find his friend attractive, but how to pleasure him. That’s a very different problem to being pressured into relationships with people in a group which you just don’t find attractive.
@67
Interesting. The relative difference in occurrence (1 in 20,000 for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, and 4 or 5 in 100,000 for XX Male Syndrome), does point to the much greater difficulty in the formation of a female fetus turning male than a male fetus turning female.
The point, of course, is that the standard development is (realistically) female, which is only changed by the presence of high levels of prenatal testosterone. It’s easier for the body to be insensitive to a hormone than for a body to produce a hormone it shouldn’t.
Were it not for that, we’d all be female
I always liked “peachfish,” as taught by our master Tom Robbins.
Actually, using “cock” to refer to a vagina is Southern slang from the 50s, probably before:
http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/sm…
They mention it in reference to the Clovers’ song, but also “Shave ‘Em Dry” features Lucille Bogan singing that her cock is made of brass.
Actually, using “cock” to refer to a vagina is Southern slang from the 50s, probably before:
http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/sm…
They mention it in reference to the Clovers’ song, but also “Shave ‘Em Dry” features Lucille Bogan singing that her cock is made of brass.
@69, did you get the numbers correct? The two figures you cite are actually the same, not different. 1 in 20,000 = 5 in 100,000.
Anyone ever seen ‘The Howard Stern Show” ‘Howard TV’ episode where Buck Angel rides The Sybian? He even squirts galore. Buck deffo looks like a dude. He was even hot as a female model before going FTM. Ya gotta love The Stern Show. Genius entertainment man.
@14, “Regarding oral sex, if it’s a taste issue, why not use a dental dam or douse the recipient in something strongly-flavored and yummy, like minty dark chocolate sauce or strawberry syrup?” is a yeast infection waiting to happen. Ew, gross, do not ever do this. The recipient will be itchy and have cottage cheeze cum for the next week or so.
Way to have no clue.
Dan, as a gay FTM, I (and my cock) absolutely love you this week.
Dan, as a gay FTM, I (and my cock) absolutely love you this week 🙂
@ #39: Um, no. There’s a whole lot more to sexual attraction than genitalia. You know who you’re attracted to without asking them to take their pants off, right?
Being able to work around an unconventional genital configuration in someone you’re already attracted to isn’t the same as being attracted to isn’t a change in sexual orientation, just a change in perspective.
Refreshing column.
@59: My thoughts EXACTLY.
Wow, I’m really sad for the people who aren’t aroused by giving oral to their partners. But I’m more sad for their partners. I mean, it’s not like I have a clitoris in my mouth when I’m sucking cock, or that my jaw doesn’t get sore, but, I mean, DAMN. So much fun. (I’d imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I was with a bad partner, though.)
Letter 2…you can only think of 4 slang words for your pussy? I can think of a handful of delightful ones.
I think your real problem is how you feel about your girl parts, muff, cookie, clit,hole (okay I hate that one too),..need I go on..why not just make up your own name?!~
Vagina alternatives: “Ladybits,” “Lady part” (this from my Southern auntie, RIP), “the Netherlands” (a fave of mine), “gonads” (traditionally thought of as a male-oriented word, but I say we take it back!), and, of course, I do so love “vajayjay.” Or, you know, if you’re on a first-name basis with said vagina, just “vajay” will do. 😉
Vagina alts I HATE: “coochie-snorcher” (from the equally abysmal “Vagina Monologues”), “cooter,” “hee-hee.”
Vag alts that are hysterical but prob shouldn’t be used: “Beefcurtains!!”
@11+37-Rach31: You’re welcome regarding the dental dam suggestion. Good luck!
@29-DrReality: Thanks for informing about the yeasty dangers of sugary substances near vaginas! Yech! As Lesborific noted, I had no clue — but because although I have indeed doused myself (not douched!) with whipped cream, syrups, etc. myriad times, I have never had a yeast infection in my life. Go figure (and lucky me, I guess!).
@75-Lesborific: And thank you so much for your disparaging “Way to have no clue.” comment. Such puerile insolence felt really good to read after the day I’ve had. Score one for meanness. Bully.
What the heck? This weeks advice doesn’t seem consistant with any advice ever given in this column like… ever. Then again, dealing with issues of sex on such a slippery slope as the transgender matterhorn must be truly trecherous. The mental trick about making a vagina a penis in your mind? That sounds like the advice an anti-gay bigot would give a gay man when he tries to explain why he doesn’t sleep with women. It isn’t even funny. They real question that should have been asked is why a man who loves penis is dating a person that lacks one and then complains about it.
Bi female here who does not enjoy anal. Not everyone does, and those who don’t aren’t necessarily hung up or repressed. For me, the sensation is not pleasurable. And yes, I’ve tried it a number of ways, with different lubes, with different guys. One man has brought me to orgasm during anal, and that was more “in spite of” rather than “as a result of”. (He’s remarkably talented, and I married him).
@63 I couldn’t watch your link because “This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment. It is no longer available in [my] country.” What’s the story?
http://www.gfmer.ch/Books/Reproductive_h… is pretty good, and it’s referenced. Also if you can find a copy of an anatomy book by Frank Netter, he drew a plate of the sexual differentiation process.
As far as a slang term for a vagina, how about “meat flower” Is that pretty enough for you?
@83: Beefcurtains refers to labia, which are part of the vulva (external female genitalia), not the vagina (internal female genitalia).
I’m ftm, and what I like best to do is sit on a guy who is lying on his back, and rub up and down his cock with my mini-cock. Lube is important, of course. The bio-guys like it too. It feels kind of like I am fucking him. Up and down, up and down…excuse me…I have to…uh…
Dan;As usual,great on the humanist and humane advice,but a FAIL on your biology.The fact is,the gender of the fetus is predetermined at conception,not after.If the egg(always X)is fertilised by sperm (X or Y) carrying a Y chromosome,then the potential fetus will develop as a male.The hormone cascade that is responsible for the primary sex characteristics FULLY developing in utero is triggered by the brain,which was programmed by the chromosomes to secrete male or female hormones.Without the hormone cascade the primary sex characteristics never develop in EITHER sex,and what you get is a sterile neuter with underdeveloped genitals.I’m didactic,you’re welcome.
I am in support of trans rights. But I take issue with calling a ftm’s clit a mini-cock, unless it grows significantly with the addition of male hormone therapy. Does it? Because if a ftm clit is the same size as my regular female clit, I take issue with labeling something that is visually identical to my clit as a mini-penis.
Rach31 why do you care what people call their bits? Seriously if transpeople have to call their junk “mini-cocks” and “stick-clits” or whatever so they can get over the mindfuck of gender dysphoria enough to actually enjoy sex with a partner who wants to reciprocate, WHY do you “take issue” with that? (Also ftm clits grow quite a bit with testosterone therapy, yeah. But even if there wasn’t a size difference, what people call their bits during sex still doesn’t affect you one bit).
Cock in a box!!!!I LOVE it!!!
Thanks, Dan!!
THANK YOU, to Mr. Angel, for sharing. Srsly.
I dunno, Auggie. I guess I’m relatively uneducated on ftm trans folk, the only ones I’ve ever met are mtf.
I did some research and found that clits do grow, sometimes substantially, with the addition of testosterone. So mini-dick is an apt term, and no harm/foul!
Aw Dan, you and Buck both are brilliantly insightful.
Names for girlie bits? I’m with the person above who suggested “yoni.” I also use “hooha” and “Tallulah” and occasionally, the less popular “snatch,” though it’s not a terribly attractive word.
@85
Really now?
Because, maybe, one person is attracted to another person, regardless if their genitals are “factory standard”?
That this young man wants to get off this other young man, but isn’t sure because the latter’s dick is different?
SFTSLAFI should’ve been trying to get off his FTM lover anyway. If he’s accepting head from the FTM, then what kind of asshole is he to not be trying to manipulate his fwb’s mangina with his fingers, or, biting the bullet in the name of fairness with regards to intimacy, he should be going down on that curious pie.. Yeah, I know: to some getting head is like a handshake, no big deal. Being with anyone who you are getting off who doesn’t really stop to consider that you’d like to get off in kind too.. Giving the FTM manual stimulation and then gauging their reaction.. This SFTSLAFI guy loves it all, doesn’t he?
I always liked Scrubs’ “Bojingo” for lady-parts. I use it regularly.
#2, Uh Rophuine, IF a man on here was dumb enough to offer advice to FORCE oral out of a women by saying ‘if you don’t suck my dick, right now, and make it good, I’ll get it from our waitress’, He’d get shredded oh so fast, ripped a new hole as it were. You know it, and I know it! Oh the humanity! Double what?