MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 This week of kidnappings, Katt Williams, and progress, glorious progress, kicks off in East Bremerton with a beguiling story of marriage and methamphetamine. As the Kitsap Sun reports, the saga was set in motion this past Saturday, when a husband and wife were hanging out at home with their kids, and the husband offered the wife a cigarette. The wife accepted and soon began "freaking out," at which time her husband told her he'd spiked her cigarette with meth. "The man told his wife, 22, that he wanted her to experience a meth high so that she'd understand why he likes it so much," reports the Kitsap Sun, citing police reports. "The husband allegedly told two friends that he had a '15-point plan' to get his wife addicted to meth." Which brings us to yesterday, when the wife stopped freaking out long enough to call the police, who arrested her 20-year-old husband on charges of second-degree assault, for which he's being held without bail.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Speaking of freaking out, today brings an update on Katt Williams, the freak-out-prone comedian who came to Seattle for two shows last week and ended up in King County Jail for investigation of assault, harassment, and obstruction after an extended freak-out during which Williams allegedly brandished a pool cue at a bar manager, allegedly hucked a rock at a passing car, and allegedly threw a lit cigarette in a woman's face. Early yesterday, Williams was reportedly bailed out of jail by noted hiphop villain Suge Knight, and by last night, Williams was in the news again for getting kicked out of the Courtyard Marriott near Lake Union. "A hotel employee said he was kicked out because several second-floor guests complained about the stench of marijuana coming from his room," reports the Seattle Times. "The employee said it also smelled like he was burning incense along with it, and several people on the floor complained the smell was entering their rooms. 'It's bad,' the employee said. 'After cleaning and opening windows, it still smells.'" Following his forced exit from the hotel, Williams said a ton of amazing stuff to a KOMO News cameraman. About his plan to offer $301,000 cash to stay on the Washington State ferry Rhododendron with his family and staff until his Thursday court date: "If they will accept our bid... I will take me and my whole staff on that boat because I still have a court date four days from now and can't leave and I've been kicked out of four hotels in two days and I've been arrested by three different sets of officers four different times and detained by two sets of officers... I can stay there [on the ferry] and my family can be there and my dogs can be there and my whole staff will be there until we get done suing Seattle for this $50 million that I want for crippling my reputation as a father and as a black man and as a taxpaying citizen and as a person who is not a convicted felon." About his troubled Seattle stay and its fallout: "I got arrested in front of my kids three times in my three days stay in Seattle... And all we were doing was coming into town to sell jokes and the police department painted me as some sort of public menace that came to town... I'm just gonna go ahead and announce my retirement from standup, I'm kinda done." On Thursday, Williams will be a no-show at his Seattle arraignment. Stay tuned!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5 In real news, the week continues in San Jose, California, where a handyman was forced to live the handyman's nightmare when he was allegedly kidnapped, beaten, and forced to do hours of household repairs for his alleged abductors/assaulters. As KGO-TV reports, the saga went down this past Monday, when a handyman was allegedly lured to the home of 36-year-old Jason DeJesus and 33-year-old Chanelle Troedson, then beaten and forced to repair household appliances. "He was pretty much told, 'Hey, we're going to kill you if you don't do what we tell you,'" Sergeant Jose Cardoza of the Santa Clara Sheriff's Office told KGO. After a reported seven hours working in the house, the couple allegedly forced the handyman to drive them to a Chevron station, where the couple shopped for snacks and the handyman ran to a nearby home and called 911, with police arriving soon after. "Even though authorities say there was no gun or knife involved, the suspects were arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, and false imprisonment," reports KGO. Both DeJesus and Troedson remain held in the Santa Clara County Jail.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 In much better news, the week continues with a history-making day in Washington State, as the recently-upheld-by-popular-vote law extending equal marriage rights to same-sex couples went into effect. What this meant on the ground: tons of rapturously happy gay and lesbian couples lining up to apply for their marriage licenses, with sob-inducing photos of happy couples coming in from all over the state. (If there's anything better than long-long-long-term gay and lesbian couples holding newly issued marriage licenses, we don't care to know about it.) On Sunday, today's licenses will have met the requisite three-day waiting period and will be put to use in ceremonies at Seattle City Hall and elsewhere. As for today, it was all about the photos, with every hit of the "refresh" button bringing another tear-jerking image out of Olympia or Seattle or Eastern Washington. Last Days would like to point out that, even just 10 years ago, a whole bunch of people would've looked at photos like today's beaming-couple portraits and seen nothing but cock-smokers and rug-munchers—all humanity erased by a weird fixation on sex mechanics. However, do you know what else is kind of icky when you let yourself think about it? HETEROSEXUAL SEX. Like, when your father goes down on your mother. Also: EATING FOOD. Let's not even talk about childbirth. At long last, homosexuality has joined all these other icky-if-envisioned-out-of-context things society agrees to ignore, and Last Days couldn't be happier.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 Speaking of gay marriage, the week continues with the US Supreme Court, which announced this afternoon that it will take up the issue of same-sex marriage, hearing "both a case stemming from California's Proposition 8 voter-approved ban on gay marriage and a case from New York challenging the constitutionality of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act," reports Politico. "The pair of moves greatly increases the chances that the justices will rule this term on whether the US Constitution guarantees same-sex couples the right to marry. However, it's still possible the high court could dispose of both cases without squarely addressing that central issue." Stay tuned.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count the assorted bachelor and bachelorette parties in advance of...

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 The week ends with what will go down as one of the most joyful days in Washington State history, as hundreds of same-sex couples were legally wed in ceremonies all over the state. In Seattle, City Hall was transformed into a bouquet of wedding chapels, with judges volunteering their services and the whole place humming with crazy good vibes. The ultimate show came on the City Hall steps, as just-married couples were announced and met by a living, breathing, wildly cheering reception line composed of hundreds of their fellow citizens. It was a glorious thing to behold. Congratulations to all the newly married couples, and thank you, Washington State, for being so fucking awesome.

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