Hi. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. You say you like pot? Here are some things you are wrong about:

"My clothes and hair don't smell that bad": You're wrong about that, they smell infinitely worse.

Sativa versus indica: There's absolutely no fucking difference, and you're wrong to think so.

The munchies: Umm-hmm, like you don't ALWAYS want snacks.

"Pot shops are happy to answer my questions": Nobody likes answering your questions.

"Weed makes me too paranoid": Wrong. Weed makes you just paranoid enough.

Hemp: Pot is legal now, so let's stop pretending hemp has an actual purpose.

Pot brownies: Hey, great job ruining some perfectly good brownies.

Your "awesome" vaporizer: Awesome? Then how come it only vaporizes weed?

"Weed makes me better at video games": Let's take this discussion to Mario Kart, where I'll show you how wrong you are.

"Now that it's legal, weed is cool!": Nice try, narc.

Government conspiracies: You might be on to something.

"4:20": According to my watch, you've got 40 more minutes of work, ace.

"See the thing about cannabinoids is...": Sorry, what was that? I fell asleep for a second.

Tie-dye: More like why-dye?

Saying names of strains aloud: You're never not going to sound like an asshole.

"Weed legalization puts local dealers out of business": On the upside, he won't be hanging out at my house for 45 extra minutes explaining Game of Thrones.

Knife hits: Should I call the emergency room in advance?

"Shatter": Stop trying to make weed sound like a real drug.

"Couch lock": Actually, you're just lazy.

Saying "namaste" instead of good-bye: Go fuck yourself.

"Hippie speedball": The only place coffee and weed should be combined is in a landfill.

Edibles: Because why wouldn't I want to wait two hours to get high and then be out of my mind for six more?

"Oh wait... now I get it": Glad you could finally join us, Einstein.