There's only one thing I hate more than a hot cup of coffee, and that's bad behavior. You've really gotta shape up. I don't know what else to tell you. Yeah, I'm almond-extract sweet, but I'm also crack-your-molars hard. I'm twice-baked and as old as time. I've seen it all, and I'm on to you.

• Even though you're "not into reality TV stars," you've been keeping tabs on Kylie Jenner ever since she got that baby. You refuse to follow her, but her Instagram page is always in your most recently searched. What kind of loser are you?

• You've been calling your boyfriend "exceedingly normal" behind his back. Real cool.

• You wash your hands only when you suspect you got a little poop on them during the wiping. When you're out of the bathroom, you love ripping apart cinnamon rolls with your bare hands. Way to go, Kierkegaard.

• Kanye West was your most listened to artist for 2018 on Spotify Wrapped. And you can't even claim you liked him before he was a shitstain. I know for a fact that the only Kanye song you heard before 2014 was "Gold Digger."

Could you stop being so snotty?


A piece of biscotti