For friends as “connected” as we are, you all were painfully silent
during my parent’s coma and passing. And silent when I lost my pet and
another family member within the same week. No cards, no flowers, no
calls saying, “How are you? Anything I can do?” The only “friend” who
came to the funeral was a high-school teacher. Surrounded by family
(thank God), I wanted my friends, too. Writing “so sorry” on my wall
didn’t cut it; this kind of loss requires something tangible, something
personable to soothe the grief. When you feel this loss, only the love
of others helps you through.
You were silent because we’re young. Your parents didn’t teach you
how to be kind in times of grief. Social media makes a tweet seem equal
to holding someone’s hand. You felt unsure of how to reach out, so you
didn’t at all. The truth I learned is that for a generation that touts
our “connectedness,” technology deadens our empathy toward each other.
So, when you have loss, I will blanket you in the compassion I never
knew… I know no one else will be there for you.
This is not a matter of hypocrisy, condemning, real interaction, and ect; it’s about realization. Truth is: There is no moving on after a major loss. Fact is: When you lose someone close to you, you change, that’s the moving on part. My father committed suicide when I was sixteen. Every one wanted to smother me with affection. I was suicidal myself for years. He left me an email a day before he committed the unthinkable saying “I leave my life in your hands.” Sixteen years old… What can you make of this at the time? I remember thinking “this is a cry for help.” I also remember thinking “he doesn’t have the balls” because I know how hard it is to actually do yourself in. I’ve never told my mother or brother this. Why? It’s in fact irrelevant. I was mad for a long time, then sad after he killed himself. I never wanted peoples sympathy because I know for a fact that you have to deal with it yourself… There is no one to fall on, blame or help only yourself. Someone mentioned the fact that “you find out who your real friends are.” This is true all the ones that smothered me with sympathy and affection I no longer associate with. What does that say? I’m cold? Since I’m a “Leo,” in astro-psychology sense, this makes sense. Then again I don’t believe in self-fulfilling prophecy neither. Back to my father now… I’m glad he killed himself sometimes, thinking selfishly, it was either me or him. Unfortunately this is my realization now. Facts are there… The only thing we can or hope to do in this life is to make realizations for ourselves and maybe others can make and decide more from yours. That’s the interconnected world we live in. Stoicism, Greek Philosophies, state “It is important to become an unbiased thinker.” And when you do you see the duality in the natural world. Yin and Yang if you will, Life/Death, Love/Hate, Men/Women… I see this everyday, but a fact is you can’t savor emotion in New Times Roman text as someone stated above, but at least you get half of the point of it, I’ll assume. Physically being there does not matter in my eyes. Emotionally I’m sure your close friends are and that’s the only thing that really matters. The only thing physically that does matter is, and this may sound cold, being this world is so unaware and disconnected; is I’m truly sorry for your loss, in my eyes, your loved one’s pain and troubles are over. “No one is afraid of death, only the thought of death.” Being that if you are religious and you think your loved one is going to heaven or hell… This is only half the truth, because I see heaven and I see hell everyday just by being alive. I believe when you die you leave this world with just as much as you came in to it with… Nothing and you go back to as much as you were… Nothing. Reincarnation you could say. But Overall my ranting, raving and rambling, it is important that you make some realizations and truth for yourself. Just be thankful you experienced what little time we have on this planet with your loved one. Sorry and I hope this helps.
This is not a matter of hypocrisy, condemning, real interaction, and ect; it’s about realization. Truth is: There is no moving on after a major loss. Fact is: When you lose someone close to you, you change, that’s the moving on part. My father committed suicide when I was sixteen. Every one wanted to smother me with affection. I was suicidal myself for years. He left me an email a day before he committed the unthinkable saying “I leave my life in your hands.” Sixteen years old… What can you make of this at the time? I remember thinking “this is a cry for help.” I also remember thinking “he doesn’t have the balls” because I know how hard it is to actually do yourself in. I’ve never told my mother or brother this. Why? It’s in fact irrelevant. I was mad for a long time, then sad after he killed himself. I never wanted peoples sympathy because I know for a fact that you have to deal with it yourself… There is no one to fall on, blame or help only yourself. Someone mentioned the fact that “you find out who your real friends are.” This is true all the ones that smothered me with sympathy and affection I no longer associate with. What does that say? I’m cold? Since I’m a “Leo,” in astro-psychology sense, this makes sense. Then again I don’t believe in self-fulfilling prophecy neither. Back to my father now… I’m glad he killed himself sometimes, thinking selfishly, it was either me or him. Unfortunately this is my realization now. Facts are there… The only thing we can or hope to do in this life is to make realizations for ourselves and maybe others can make and decide more from yours. That’s the interconnected world we live in. Stoicism, Greek Philosophies, state “It is important to become an unbiased thinker.” And when you do you see the duality in the natural world. Yin and Yang if you will, Life/Death, Love/Hate, Men/Women… I see this everyday, but a fact is you can’t savor emotion in New Times Roman text as someone stated above, but at least you get half of the point of it, I’ll assume. Physically being there does not matter in my eyes. Emotionally I’m sure your close friends are and that’s the only thing that really matters. The only thing physically that does matter is, and this may sound cold, being this world is so unaware and disconnected; is I’m truly sorry for your loss, in my eyes, your loved one’s pain and troubles are over. “No one is afraid of death, only the thought of death.” Being that if you are religious and you think your loved one is going to heaven or hell… This is only half the truth, because I see heaven and I see hell everyday just by being alive. I believe when you die you leave this world with just as much as you came in to it with… Nothing and you go back to as much as you were… Nothing. Reincarnation you could say. But Overall my ranting, raving and rambling, it is important that you make some realizations and truth for yourself. Just be thankful you experienced what little time we have on this planet with your loved one. Sorry and I hope this helps.
that was so true, moving, and grounded. it’s a shame what passes for communication these days. take care, & hopefully your friends will learn, too.
I don’t believe it’s a generational thing, or a technology thing. My sister (b. 1970) has a much wider definition of “friends” than I ever did in my floppiest, drunkest, highest moments. I’m also reminded of a douchebag trader in NY who said to a reporter on 9/11, “I lost like 200 friends today”.
If you define “friend” as someone who cares enough about you to want to be around when times are bad, then you’re gonna have to part ways with Facebook et al.
Social networking is shit. I despise it, think it’s the worst thing to ever become popular on the Internet–and I remember some real stinkers.
People from seattle largley suck and are shallow and cold not cool. They respond to things like the jerk off that shouldnt have been born Mr. Bitch slap and his kind. You have to weed out the flakes and find the the friends that keep it real. I have lived all over the world and have found that good friends are are good people. The red flags for all the other jack asses should be noted the same as if your were dating… You just dont want to have bad people who are not friends around you in good times to suck you down and dry and then desert you in bad times because ….they are parasites..The only thing these people give are desease and soul rot. Cast them off to oblivion where they can die alone in there own moral gutter.
Anon, You’re very right that young people usually lack the knowledge or awareness of how to reach out to grieving friends. Their parents didn’t tell them and they haven’t experienced significant losses themselves. And yet, a few do know – some from personal tradegies, some from good instruction and some from their empathic sense of your situation and needs.
When our infant son died, we were devastated and had a huge variety of reactions from friends and community members. Thinking back, all the people who said, “I don’t know how you’re feeling . . ” actually DID. They were the empathic or sensitive ones who called, came by, and knew that simply being present at a time when nothing can fix it or make it better, does help.
And those who said, “I know exactly what you’re going through . . . ” would proceed to say some fool thing like, “my great aunt is really sick” or “my cat died last year” or “you must be happy he’s with Jesus now.”
But I’d suggest not writing off the friends who were distant. They likely simply didn’t know what to say (“You’re in my thoughts.”), or do (give you a hug, call you up, take a walk together). They’ll learn, but probably not until their own significant loss.