Well! I haven’t heard a peep from that wacky John Curley lately, so maybe he’s lost the urge to kick my ass. Thank goodness! This means we can get back to the real business of real readers seeing real celebrities! Really! This week’s first encounter is a doozy. And, for all the fools who doubt the authenticity of my reader’s celeb sightings, it comes with bona fide photographic proof!
‘N Sync was in San Francisco, and Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone visited
Alcatraz, where I work. I didn’t notice them at first since they look like every
other 22-year-old guy I know, but their bodyguards were easily six feet tall,
300 pounds each and wore blazing orange. And let’s face it, big black men in
orange stick out in national parks. Anyway, opportunity knocked! I ran to the
bookstore and got a disposable camera and approached them when they had finished
taking the audio tour. (A crappy Walkman that hangs around your neck and costs
$3.50–which they didn’t even PAY for! The cashier couldn’t deal with the retards
and just waved them through.) I acted all girlie and cutesy and they let me
have a picture with them. They were nice enough, but they tried to act all pimpy–kept
calling me baby and sweetheart. I mean, really. And one of them put his hand
on my ass! I think it was the ugly one (that would be Joey). Oh well.
–Brianna Chesser
Lemme tell you a little secret, Brianna. I have trashed them in private and thrashed them in print, but I’d pay real money to have ANY of the ‘N Sync boys put their hands on my ass. So count your blessings, you jaded, jaded girl!
I saw Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam courtside at a Sonics game with (egads!)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (she of the stacked rack and one-note acting career). Canoodling?
Aye, mate–aplenty. Reminded me of Richard Gere in Internal Affairs, bangin’
away ‘neath the restaurant table. Oh, and since I know Mr. Ament and he hates
me, please call me “Zenon” when referring to me.
–“Zenon”
On a final note, I have been DRENCHED in e-mail messages CONFIRMING All
My Children stud Mark Consuelos’ seedy past as a male stripper. Reader Anna
Hoffer assures me that it’s been a widely known FACT since his wife Kelly Ripa
became Regis’ new co-host. So THERE!
celebrityisawu@thestranger.com
