I DON’T USUALLY GET headaches, but here it is–blossoming in my skull like a blood flower. Not great timing. I’m going to the “A Child Becomes” preschool graduation at the Holy Rosary Church in West Seattle, so I need my wits about me. I buy some day-old sushi, in case it’s a glandular thing.

Standing in the foyer gnawing a California roll, I listen to the joyous roar rolling out of the auditorium. I’ve tried to dress inconspicuously in black, but, glancing at the mothers in their bright floral sundresses and the fathers in Dockers, I suddenly feel like a pudgy, unwashed Carolyn Bessette Kennedy impersonator. Wiping wasabi off my face, I step hesitantly inside.

I find a folding chair in the back next to a pack of three-year-olds. “Nice tattoo,” I say to a little boy in a Tigger T-shirt, gesturing to the dinosaur sticker on his tiny forearm. “What kind is it?” He glances down. “It’s a stegosaurus,” he states with absolute authority. Abruptly, he notices that his friend is pointing a pink, disposable camera at him. He snorts derisively. “James, that’s a stupid Barbie camera.” James looks down at the offending object with wounded confusion.

I leave them to the difficult task of creating gender identities and tour the room. Children’s drawings are taped on every wall. “You sall not cut down trees.” “Don’t kill animals if you don’t need them.” “Don’t make fun of other people’s names.” “If God is talking to you, don’t eknore him.” And the brilliant “Everybody should always shave.” I guffaw out loud, drawing alarmed looks from several adults.

Suddenly, the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” fill the air as a surging mass of four-year olds, draped in sashes with the year 2000 written in puffy fabric paint, appear in a strobing storm of photographic flashes and applause. They are overwhelmed, stumbling ecstatically up the aisle, waving royally to their confused siblings and beaming camcorder-wielding parents. Not that I was raised by wolves or a crack whore or anything, but I can’t remember anybody ever making this big a fuss over me. My God, is it possible that I’m actually jealous of these adorable children?

Once herded onto the stage, Teacher Shelley, a toothy blonde with an acoustic guitar, leads them in song. My favorite is “Bill Grogan’s Goat,” about a man who lays on a railroad track to die and is then inexplicably saved by a goat who vomits up a red shawl, though the children seem more enthusiastic about Skiddimarinkidinkeedink .

Teacher Shelley steers us into serious territory. “I meditated to find the right things to say today,” she says. She tells us that although there will always be cold pricklies, a front of warm fuzzies with occasional snack breaks is expected. Shouting over the increasing giggles of the wiggling graduates, she claims that the tiny students know more than just a few silly songs: “The children also raised $4.80 for the flood victims of Mozambique.”

I’m riveted by a microscopic girl next to me wearing a tutu and glittery nail polish, who is digging delightedly at her itchy butt, but I snap back to attention when Teacher Shelley relates that “My rotator for the eggs broke down.” Thank God I’m not the only childless woman in my 30s concerned about fertility issues in this room, I think, until I realize that she’s talking about a machine in the classroom that hatched baby chicks.

When she winds up the speech, releasing the teeming horde onto two huge, decorated cakes, my headache seizes control of the command deck. I have no choice but to do its bidding; I ring up Bootsy on my cell phone. “What’s that noise?” she asks. “That’s the sound of 30 little four-year-olds dancing to ‘N Sync. You still have that codeine from Canada?”

Six 222 tablets and half a bottle of red wine later, I’m flexible enough to consider Bootsy’s suggestion to call all my old boyfriends and ask them to freeze their sperm, just in case. “But I pay for this sublet and I pay to keep my stuff in storage… do you think I’d pay monthly rent on DNA Popsicles too?” I ask with a thickened tongue. We both agree that more research is in order, as Bootsy gently covers me with a blanket at her house.

But before I plummet like a rock into the soft, black depths of sleepy time, I fuzzily send out a fond goodnight kiss to dear Casey, Campion, Cozette, Quincy, and zzzzzzzzzz….

8 replies on “City of Paris”

  1. carolyn bessette was no beauty and glammour star power woman ,that american woman should wa to fashion themselves after unless whore slutt like marilyn mon at her worst……no education that Jacqueline would have ever approve of carolyn and those who new her know that.especial the french…..everone know this dumb girl had no ablity styler ,class and forth inbearing mind….her sin thought were child, i know to get john to marry me, she once said…….spoil dumd dangers behavior she would use too elude smartness and better john f.kennedy jr. aawell as the rest of the kennedy family.who despite carolbessette sin traits, couldn’t equal the rest the kennedy’s in college education let alone a hope of starpower ,that carolyn bessette never had…someone was always purchasing a lie to keep her interesting and pr lie system to appear as loved by the world….

  2. SO TRUE THAT SHE WAS NOT OF PURPOSE FOR GOD AND JOHN F.KENNEDY JR.. AS A GODLY CHRISTIAN. I HAVE RECOGNIZE TRUE AMOUNG MAN KIND, THEY WERE NOT, SHE VERY CHILDISH EVIL, WITH INTENT OF TRYING TO PERPLAX HERSELF IN THE THE KENNEDY’S AND IT’S WEALTH, WITH FAULSE PRETENSE OF BEAUTY,EDUCATION,CLOUT FAMILY AND STYLE. FOR DURING THEIR RELATIONSHIP IT WAS JOHN F.KENNEDY JR. WHO HALE FOR ,HE USED HIS CLOUT AND POSITION TO PERLUDE HER TO APPEARE STYLE FOR WHICH HE RAISE AND LIVED IN LIFE…SHE IN TRUTH HAD NONE SSETS TO INCOME INTO HIS FAMILY WITH RESPECT AND KNOWLEDGE OF GRACE AND FOR RIGHT GOOD…..SHE WAS EVIL MINDED AND HATEFUL TO ANY WHO DID NOT SHARE IN KE HER HIDDEN AGENDA AND SELFISH SECRET. SHE PURPOSELY STOLE WHAT WAS GOOD TO ELUDE WHAT WASN’T THERE OR HER…..SHE DIDN’T HAVE MR. JOHN F.KENNEDY JR. HEARTOUT. SHE DIDN’T HAVE THE APPROVAL OF JACQUELINE ONASSIS, SHE DIDN’T H EDUCATION OF UPPER CREST CLOUT TO VERIFY THE POSITION OF A WOMAN OF STATURE…HER MOTHER LACK ALL BLOODLINES OF CLOUT AND WEALTH AND SHE WAS A COMMAN WORKING CLASS WOMAN ABOUT $30,000.00 A YEAR.NOT THE LEADS OF THE KENNEDY ‘S OR THE ROYAL UPPER CREAST LEAGUES…..SHE WAS A LAZY STUDENT ,WITH NO PURPOSE OR STROUTH OF INTENTIONS….HER GRADES WERE THAT OF WORKING D’S……

  3. john f. key jr. was well mannered and culture class, besides the ladies adoration for john f. kennedy FOR THEIR MATE HOPEFULLY…..HE DID NOT DO WELL IN THE WOMAN THEY CALL carolyn bessette…. she was not bright or with culture of john f. kennedy jr. mother……. THIS WOMAN WOULD NOT HAVE THE APPEAL TO JOHN’S JR.HEART THUS ALL THE FUSSING IN HIS HOME….SHE WAS NOT WHAT JACQUELINE WATED FOR JOHN JR…. AND HAD SHE BEEN ALIVE WHEN HE WAS DATING HER MORE IN THE FALL 1994 SINCE SHE MET HIM NOVEMBER 1993 AND MOVED QUICKLY IN WITH JOHN JR. NEW APARTMENT THAT DEC.1993(AFTER D.HANNAH SPLIT IN MAY OF 1993), WHEN HIS MOTHER WAS ILLING FROM HER CANCER……JANUARY TO APRIL 1994 ,JOHN AND CAROLINE WERE VERTO THEIR MOTHER’S APARTMENT TAKING TURNS ,BEING WITH HER AND COMFORTING HER LAST DAYS..SURPISE WAS WHEN SHE ASKED JOHN JR. TO BRING D.HANNAH TO VISIT HER SO SHE COULD TALK WITH HER, WHEN HE WAS SEEING bessette,rumours were he didn’ tell his mother he was dating bessette…sadley for john jr. she knew but prefered d.hannah as a more choice than the woman he was seeing in the park with

  4. most of the pressure of ls best friend ,his own mother to cancer, LEFT JOHN JR. WOUNDS OPEN FOR A MEAN bessette ,TO ELUDE THE AFFECTIONS OF HIS MOTHER….SHE WAS NOT A STRONG RIGHTIOUS PERSON LIKE HIS MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED, AND BAD TASTE TO ELUDE FASHION OF AMERICA SUCH ILLCOMPASSIONATABLE APPROCH,JACQUELINE WOULD HAVE SENT bessette packing,SHE WOULD HAVE MADE JOHN A BETTER PERSON IN SEEING THE TRUTH OF PEOPLE EVEN WHEN THEY HIDE THEIR EVIL PERSONALITY TO INCOME HIS WEALTHY,TRUST AND SOCIAL RESPECT WHEN HE HAD WALKING OUT OF HIS DOOR….SHE CONSTANTLY NEEDED TO PUT JOHN JR. DOWN IN THE PUBLIC AREANA TO RECIEVE RESPECT AND HEAVILY RIDED ON JOHN JR. MOTHER’S CODE OF HONOR THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT ABOVE THE WORKING CLASS INCOME. RATHER CELEBERTY OR ROYALTY SHE NEVER WAIVER HER RESPECT PRIVACY,,bessette COULD NEVER ACHIEVE JACQUELINE K. ONASSIS STRONGNESS SO SHE ELUDED TO SUCH,,, TO BUILD THE WALLS TO BREAK FOR WHOM SHE THOUGHT COULD GET HER IN SOCIETY’S RESPECT…..

  5. SO LITTLE WAs MENTIONED WHEN SHE ,WOULD SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT JOHN’S MOTHER AND ROYALTY SHE COULD NOT MEET DO TO HER PAST RECORDS KEPT SECRET,SO SHE COULD ENJOY THE LIFE , AND PRETENDING LOVE FOR JOHN JR. SHE TENDED TO ELUDE GLAMMOUR BUT ALWAYS HAD SIN AS HER BEST FRIEND……HER PR WAS USUALLY TO ELUDE THAT SHE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY SHE JUST HAS A LITTLE DRUG PROBLEM…ABUSE….SHE WOULD INFLECT APON PEOPLE BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T MAKE THAT ROYAL SHOE FIT HER WORKING CLASS LIFE PATH……..JOHN WAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE DESTINED FOR THE PATH OF A PURPOSE FOR GOD, HE JUST COULDN’T FIND MISS RIGHT, SO MUCH FOR bessette’s four sckeeming to be john’s wife……WHO IMAGIND HAVE WON THE WORLD HEART AND RESPECT ABOVE WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF ANOTHER BAD RELATIONSHIP ,FOR WHICH SHE ANGEL MEANT FOR JOHN WOULD HAVE WON ARE HEARTS AND UTTER RESPECT and love..

  6. NOT bessette or her sckeeming her to a life not meant for her… SADLY A TRUE STORY FOR WHICH GOD HAD INTENDED JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. TO MARRY,WE DIDN’T SEE THAT UNION…I SUPPOSE SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN bessette ,AND KIND LIKE ROYALTY AND GLAMOUROUS LIKE JESUSIST VISITING THE EARTH…SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS MEANT TO BE…..NOT WHAT PLAYED OUT IN THE NINETIES…..

  7. john’s .f kennedy would have fair better to have married elves presley daughter (lisa marie presely
    ), cindy crawford ,faith hill or even celine dion would have made a better chioce for john .kennedy jr. to do soo much like his mother wanted for him…

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