Okay, people, Bush is out, Obama is in, and it’s a whole
new world now. It’s time to let go of old conservative fears. You
know what I’m talking about: fear of vibrators. Whether it’s a
mighty Hitachi Magic Wand or a wee Doc Johnson probe, having a vibrator
in bed with you and your lover does not mean the terrorists have
won.
I had assumed that uneasiness about sex toys (“If I were a good
enough lover, she/he wouldn’t need that! I will be replaced by a
device!”) was largely a ’90s sort of thing, mostly confined to
nervous straight guys. Vibrators are very readily available now,
and we’ve seen that they have not supplanted actual cocks attached to
actual men. Masturbation is a wonderful thing—believe me, I
know—and sex-toy design has progressed a long way. But a toy
still can’t kiss you or talk to you. I have never known a woman who
broke up with a lover just because she had a boxful of Babeland’s
best under the bed. Vibrators can enhance sexual relationships, but
they don’t replace them.
Apparently the stigma lingers, however, and it’s more widespread
than I thought. Just the other day, I was talking to a woman who told
me her new lover was uncomfortable with her need to use a vibrator to
orgasm during sex. The kicker? She and her lover are both kinky and
queer. Her lover is female-bodied but male-identified.
What? Genderqueer perverts getting angsty about vibrators? That’s
like Paula Deen being angsty about butter. Certain things just go
together, and queer kinky people and sex toys definitely go
together. If people like this—the shock troops of
sex—are troubled by vibrators, then clearly we need to
address it for everyone.
Let go of your preconceived ideas about how your lover should have
her orgasms. Sex is not supposed to happen one way and one way
only. Some women need a very specific type of stimulation to get
off. It might be because that’s how they’ve always masturbated, or it
might be because they have medical issues—being on
anti-depressants, for example—that make it difficult for them to
come. Maybe, over time, your lover can learn to orgasm without a
vibrator. If she wants to, then you two can play with that, but
it’s not essential that she does. And putting pressure on her is
about the worst possible way to bring that about anyway. You’re just
creating an atmosphere where she is tempted to lie to soothe your ego
and have her real orgasms later, when you’re not in the room. What
needs to change is your issue about her orgasm.
Look at the rest of your life. Unless you’re living in Amish
country, you use all sorts of tools and gadgets to smooth and
enhance your world. Why the hell would you balk at using them to
have better sex? Don’t be a sexual Luddite—embrace the
technology! It’s the change you need. 
My current bf had never used a vibrator before we got together. I pulled mine out and showed him where to use it our first time having sex. He didn’t know that I put the tip of the vibrator on my clitoris, not in my vagina! It has taken him a couple of years to get really GOOD at using it on me, I’ve had to patiently show him where and how to use it. Now he loves to bring me to orgasm with it and rubs my g-spot with his finger at the same time — YEAY!
Shoot, my hubby likes me using the vibe during sex as much as I do. He says the sensation of my vagina vibrating around his cock is rather…stimulating.
Didn’t Savage just have a column which covered this very subject?
Didn’t Savage just have a column on this very subject?
Well, to be fair, Savage’s column was only SLIGHTLY more amusing…..
THANK YOU THANK YOU for writing this column! I can only come with about twenty minutes of hard vibes and for years have felt really inadequate about it… faking with all my lovers, even in serious relationships, because the first guy I ever was ever honest with about this issue freaked out on me. When we finally broke up and he got some fuckbuddy, he just had to phone me up to tell me that SHE could get off with just his dick.
…Anyway, I’m rambling. THE MORE AWARENESS WE HAVE ABOUT THIS TOPIC THE BETTER. I’ve dealt with the negative assumption that my pussy was broken my entire life, and that it was somehow my fault that I couldn’t get off a certain way. But no more.
I’m so thankful we have such insightful columnists at The Stranger!
Obama: When are you going to legalize vibrators everywhere? I know the states make up their own laws, but come on. That’s a historic day I really want to see.
I rarely achieve clitoral orgasm without vibration. I’m proud to say my man thoroughly enjoys helping me reach them with my hefty vibrator. That big, silly grin tells me he’s satisfied with his own performance at my pleasure.
Jamie: If anyone at the federal level legalized vibrators for the whole country, it would be the Supreme Court. Now, who goes on that court is up to Obama…