I know plenty about kink—but actually, I know a lot about good old straightforward fucking, too. I recently spoke at an “Ask the Sexpert” panel at the University of Washington, and several women there had questions that inspired me to share some thoughts on female orgasms and having sex with men.

If you have trouble coming during penis-in-vagina sex, you’re not alone. It might be you’re just not that into him, but even if you are, and you’ve ruled out psychological/medical impediments, climaxing this way sometimes requires practice. First, consider how you masturbate; not just how you stimulate your girl parts, but how you arrange your body. For example, if you got yourself off throughout your virgin years lying facedown, then learning to come in other positions means mixing up your masturbatory routine.

My other suggestion is: muscle control. I don’t just mean Kegels, although those are great. Toned muscle in your abdominals, glutes, and thighs is a boon to orgasms. Develop body awareness through exercise—yoga and stretching, or squats, lunges, and crunches—and use that awareness to analyze what you do with your muscles when you masturbate and how you can replicate that in partner sex. I myself find that I orgasm more easily and more intensely if I can consciously tighten my core and flex my thighs.

Get some good-quality lube and have it handy. Some people think a woman shouldn’t need extra lubrication—if she’s really into the sex, she’ll be wet enough. I say: Sometimes true love and a little spit are enough. But how wet a woman gets is affected by allergy medication, antidepressants, drinking too much caffeine/alcohol and not enough water, normal hormonal fluctuations, and about a dozen other things. Lube is standard operating equipment. (Besides, it’s useful to have for anal play, handjobs, and even blowjobs. Your mouth gets drier with friction just like other orifices, so if you want to suck longer and happier, find a flavor you like and slather it on his cock.)

Women are often advised to tailor their stimulation by being on top during intercourse, but here’s another idea: Put your legs together, lying either on your back or your side. It’s easy to activate your core and leg muscles this way. You can change the sensation by putting your hand on your pubic mound and gently pushing down and in, so that your clit is more stimulated by the movement of his cock, or by just touching your clit yourself. Another trick is to slide your hand more deeply between your legs, put two fingers on either side of your outer lips, and squeeze yourself around him as he’s thrusting.

You don’t have to orgasm with penetration to have a hot sex life, so don’t make this a test that you pass or fail. The point is simply to be aware and to explore all the possibilities of pleasure that your body can provide you. recommended

9 replies on “Control Tower”

  1. I would also like to point out that some women are not able to orgasm at all, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Also, even with practice a woman may never be able to come vaginally. You know why? Everybody’s body is different.

  2. And then there’s the brain side of the equation–I started coming from penetration (with women, but it’s not so different!) when I found myself with a really toppy partner. One day I was giving her the “I mostly don’t come during sex and that’s okay” talk, and the next day I was having ten in a row and absolutely flabbergasted about it! No physical changes, although I’ve certainly honed the ability that way since–the mental was what really needed a boost.

    (Of course, obviously I was physically wired for this to begin with; lots of women aren’t, and there’s nothing wrong with that.)

  3. I can’t speak for all women, but if I couldn’t orgasm at all ever, I’d sure as hell think there was something wrong with that 🙂

    Is that actually true? Honest question. Because there’ve been plenty of guys I haven’t been able to orgasm with, but it was generally either because they didn’t know what they were doing or I didn’t know how to tell them what to do.

    I guess I’m always skeptical of these claims about women’s sexuality, claims like “women just aren’t visual the way men are” because it seems that a lot of this stuff is less nature than nurture, you know?

  4. So, not really related, but some interesting additional (and geekier) information on female sexuality that I came upon recently:

    Discovery Channel did a “Why is Sex Fun?” episode, which is available on YouTube in 3 parts: [1] [2] [3]

    And then there’s this article about a study on mapping the clitoris, vagina, and cervix on the sensory cortex. The link isn’t to the actual study, but to a blog that dissects and analyzes interesting scientific studies. The blog author is awesome!

    Anyway, I was also one of those girls who never came from penetrative sex until I actually met someone who was as interested as exploring my body as I was, and who also clicked mentally with me. The tips about exercise and learning to activate certain muscles ring true for me.

    @3 It’s really hard to say, I think, because women’s sexuality is still so stigmatized and under-studied in so many areas. The links above to the “Why is Sex Fun?” videos offer some tantalizing new clues, though.

  5. I am surprised more people don’t talk about timing during the month. Being aware of where in the woman’s cycle the sex is occurring can really help align expectations with reality. The first two weeks after a period: good. By the third or fourth week… not as good. And then one or two days before the period starts: good again.

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