Recently I was playing with a man I’ve known intimately for many
years. I tied him to a bed, and I took a surgical stapler and punched
a dozen sharp metal staples into his nipples. Then I moved down
his body and carefully put some into the skin of his scrotum.
I was enjoying myself, because I’m a sadist. I like doing intense
things to people’s bodies. And this man and I very much enjoy my doing
intense things to him—even if it makes him writhe and
swear in the moment.
I stood up on the bed and looked down at him. He was breathing
heavily as he processed the sensation of the staples already in his
skin. He met my eyes, and I looked meaningfully at his cock, lying
semi-tumescent and tempting on his stomach. I lifted the
stapler.
His eyes went wide. “No! No, mistress!” The whole bed shook
as he attempted, without success, to slide away from me. I laughed
happily, and then I knelt down, with my face close to his. He was
flushed and his pupils were dilated.
“Oh, you don’t want me to put staples right into your cock?” His
passionate pleas rose in volume as I brandished the stapler again.
He’s really scared, I thought. I’ve never injected heroin, but I
do believe the pleasure I felt in that moment could not possibly be
rivaled by anything in a syringe. I felt high—and
on the heels of that, I felt a surge of tenderness toward him. And then
I put another staple into his nipple.
Now, I cannot be this mean to just anyone. I can slap and tickle
a stranger, but to be really cruel to someone, I have to love him.
If that sounds weird to you, this next part will seem even weirder: The
very act of being sadistic to someone in a BDSM scene often creates
feelings in me I can only call love while I’m doing it.
I’m measuring my sadism by the intensity of the reactions of my
play-
partner, not by any external scale. So what I actually
do to create the most intense sensation he can handle isn’t that
important, as long as I see his breath coming faster and feel his heart
pounding in his chest. Just as in traditional sex, that triggers a
mirroring response in me. Emotional and physiological arousal,
combined with sexual energy—well, my animal brain thinks
that’s love.
Sometimes it’s just for a moment. But other times the memory of that
affection lingers, and the next time we play, it’s reinforced.
That’s how I can feel a genuine emotional connection to someone that I
only know in the limited context of my dungeon.
Of course, loving someone in the dungeon doesn’t
automatically mean you’re well suited for an everyday-world
relationship (although it’s terrific when you are!). And I love lots of
people I’ve never done BDSM with. But they say you only hurt the ones
you love. As a sadist, the more I get to hurt you, the more I love you.
Oooh ouch!
Wow I really liked that column. I think that’s a first.. keep it up!!
These column have two categories: gross or boring.
Hey, at least this one’s not boring!
Loving the random bold text, though. ADD much?
I think the column was lovely(pun intended) and very eloquently put into words what can be a difficult concept to explain to others.
Well done.
And @Van Sustern no one is forcing you to read this column if you truly find it so consistently disturbing…and the bolding choices in the Stranger are usually inflicted by the editor not the columnist.
i very much relate to this article. i recently ended all contact with my play partner because while topping him i fell in love with him. it wasn’t being reciprocated, and it was putting too much emotional stress on me. the saddest part about it was that he was my best friend. while i enjoyed this article, i wish you could offer up some reasonable solutions for this slippery slope.
I’ve got to say, I was thinking of dropping this column from my weekly reading after all the “my poly life is great” and phone quotes.
This was a beautiful essay. Excellent work.
I love the phone quotes!
Good god.
Awesome.
I want more columns like this!
I feel this way too. Thanks for the article.
Goose
“… being sadistic to someone in a BDSM scene often creates feelings in me I can only call love …”
I always love the women who really hurt me, professional or otherwise. That’s part of what makes BDSM fun for me!
I have heard that sticks and stones can break your bones….
here’s a promise you may appreciate… I don’t support the rape of the mind with words.
Unless of course one pays for it and recieves it in the personal privacy of one on one in whisper mode…
hows that for a soft pillow for my big fat head?
…and of course by that I mean no helicopters outside your dungeon suite.
I have heard that sticks and stones can break your bones….
here’s a promise you may appreciate… I don’t support the rape of the mind with words.
Unless of course one pays for it and recieves it in the personal privacy of one on one in whisper mode…
hows that for a soft pillow for my big fat head?
…and of course by that I mean no helicopters outside your dungeon suite.
First interesting column by Matisse in a LONG time. She must actually read the comments.
It’s simultaneously amusing and disturbing to read some of these comments. People who don’t like what Matisse provides should simply go elsewhere and stop, well, WHINING about it. The rest of us will read on with pleasure and await her next column eagerly.
If I had to choose the personality that personified “Soulless & Materialistic” it would be the sadist. The Soulless & Materialistic economy that produced the S&M culture of the last 20 years (the one that glorifies exhibitionists, “red-carpet” culture, and has elevated bartenders and DJs to celebrity status) just went down the toilet. What’s going with it?
Moving. Powerful. Real.
I like the “stupid questions people ask a pro-domme” columns, too.
But this column was really hot!
I love the column nearly every posting, but this one especially connected with me. I believe that’s exactly the response my husband has when we engage in BDSM (during which he is nearly always the dom). I know it’s a reaction I get, and I don’t believe I could react that way with another person.
Great column… really. Speechless.
I really liked this one. What you wrote certainly all resonates as true with me, but what really got my attention was your observation about “love.”
As a bottom, I have felt that way too. I was surprised the first time I blurted out to a top “I love you” through my tears. It is a deep and genuine feeling that just spills out, and to me a sign that what I’m doing is meaningful on multiple levels.
It’s more than a thrill – maybe “spiritual” is okay to say. I’ve asked others about “I love you” moments, but I think this is the first time some one else said it happens to them too. It was very cool to read your column and find that this week.
@James Early, S&M culture has been around for a lot longer than 20 years. Try 100’s. What may be different is the gay rights movement since Stonewall and the advent of the internet in the last 10-20 years that has allowed people to learn about what bdsm really is, and isn’t, and to connect with longings and fantasies they’d otherwise have had to hide forever. I had kinky fantasies when I was five, and that was 50 years ago.
Without the internet, I’d still be suffering with unfulfilled needs. The apparent rise of bdsm has nothing to do with our materialistic culture. It has to do with people finding the courage to be who they are and to find out who they are. I don’t know where you got your notion, but it’s misinformed.
Great entry! I once stapled a man and I would love to do it again. Maybe if he travels back to my area of the world…
My only reference was to “Soulless & Materialistic”, S&M, not the ages old practices of sadist’s and their willing partners.
Really well put. I experience the same thing, both as a bottom as well as in the context of vanilla sex.
I blame it all on oxytocin.
Yeah. I usually don’t read this column.
I have to agree that this is a great article though. I am currently involved in the most intense/insane sexual relationship I have ever been in. It’s purely sexual, but it gets so intense that it’s been really hard for me to sort my feelings out.
This helped me understand where my partner must be coming from, and it also helped me understand why it feels so good to be hurt.
He REALLY DOES love me WHILE he’s with me, and occasionally when he’s not. He loves the girl he’s with tonight, too.
Wow. That was really enlightening. Still not for me, but I think I sort of get it now. I like a little slap and tickle as much as the next girl, but have never understood people who actually get off on things like stapling nipples. To each his own, I guess- When you have two consenting adults, who’s to judge?
“being sadistic to someone in a BDSM scene often creates feelings in me I can only call love”
I was thinking the same thing the other day! Topping often induces an oxytocin-based state of euphoric closeness for me. I walk away from the best scenes feeling deep love for the bottom, even if I’ve just met him.
My husband is a SADIST. But it’s not physical. If he so-call “loves” you then he is extremely degrading, cruel and emotionally abusive. It’s emotionally debiliating. He doesn’t see it. Then, he is very complimentary, very accomadating. So, he goes thru this “value-ing” then “de-value-ing” thing. So, it throws you off for a while. When he is nice he is really nice, and when he is mean he is cruel. He definitely has a few personality disorders. With strangers he is always nice as well as people who are his “sworn enemies” – he kisses “A” with them I guess believing they will one day “like him”. He also tells enemies and strangers all of his business, with them he is an open book! They always use the information or just “stab” him in the back again, but it doesn’t phase him, and soon he even forgets what they’ve done to him and has to be reminded. But with those he so-call “loves”, he remembers every negative event and doesn’t trust the people closes to him. It’s so weird. Do you know what this is? My research says he is a sadist and has a “histronic” personality disorder…they see “closeness” where there is none…as in the case with strangers or people he has known a relatively short time. He once took this medication for about 30 days and he was so NORMAL. He said he could tell that the “chemicals” in his brain were coming together. I have got to get him back onto that medication – it’s costly but it’s really his only hope…and certainly ours. I’m emotionally wrought and the constant negativity is too much.
I have to admit I’ve read this post about 10 times. I love it. Your passion and emotions are so strong.
Wonderful.
Love the blog. Keep writing more, please. 🙂