My main regret about this column is that it seems to make some people think I’m an actual journalist. People, do you see the word “Mistress” up there in front of my name? Have you ever heard of Mistress Campbell Brown? Mistress Rachel Maddow? Mistress Katie Couric? No. Those women are journalists. I am a professional pervert who wouldn’t know a basic principle of J-school if she were fucking one up the ass. Thus, I am largely free of the type of self-recrimination that drives legitimate members of the press—and Stranger staffers—to drink. (I am free of their student loans, too, which might have something to do with the drinking.)
I know a little something about regrets, though. For example, I deeply regret having that one night of non-kinky (and non-successful) sex with the hipster musician. I wasn’t even drunk. What the hell was I thinking? Speaking of that, I’m sorry to find that people who have non-kinky sex are so damn touchy about it. (See August 27, the “Ruined for Life” column.)
As evidenced by comments on the October 8 column, “Not Too Sexy,” I regret that people are apparently unfamiliar with the word “perquisite.” It’s a lovely word, and if you don’t like it, you’re obviously not a real Stranger commenter, but just a hooker with a whip.
I regret getting a little—okay, fine, a lot—carried away in a scene at Folsom Street Fair and leaving signal-whip welts all over a certain lovely man who wasn’t supposed to get marked up. Lesson learned: Stick to the staple gun. (See February 26, “Hurt the Ones You Love.”)
I do not regret telling guys who sleep with other women but insist that their resentful female partners adhere to a One-Penis Policy that they are insecure prats. Yes, I am making a value judgment about your relationship. UR DOIN IT WRONG. (See August 13, “The One-Penis Policy” column.)
I also regret some of the columns I could have written but didn’t. Like the one about the time in that fancy hotel downtown, when I let my tipsy pal in the very, very short dress be profane to the sour old lady frowning at us. I could make a hilarious story out of it, but sex workers should be more discreet.
I regret not taking my trusty staple gun to my brother’s wedding, so that when my cousin’s husband tried to get me drunk and fondle me, I could just staple his pants right onto his crotch. “Handling Mr. Handsy”—wouldn’t that make a good column?
I sincerely regret having that one lousy drink with Mr. Gigolo Wannabe, because, for reasons I do not comprehend, he spun a flirtatious conversation into a banal polyamorous drama. That’s all right, though; I probably will write a column about it—as soon as I can figure out what the hell happened. 
Mistress Matisse blogs at
www.mistressmatisse.blogspot.com.
I also regret the columns you didn’t write. They will be missed, almost as much as the columns you’re going to write are looked forward to.
I also regret the columns you didn’t write. They will be missed, almost as much as the columns you’re going to write are looked forward to.
thank you. your real-ness is refreshing. i have been reading your work since inception, and even wondered about you when you were just an add on the back page. high five for sex positive. doubt we’ll ever cross paths, but if happenstance ever does come around… live well.
Mistress Rachel Maddow-that one’s probably true.
I regret the absence of Anna Woolverton.
Dear MM,
It’s great that you do this column your way; it would be a lot less interesting if you did it other people’s way.
But … I wish “your way” included reading a bit more carefully what others write in response to you.
As to your “Ruined for Life” column:
1) Kinky sex can involve lack of communication or poor communication;
2) Vanilla sex can involve good communication;
3) Pointing out # 1 and # 2 does not necessarily make a person touchy (although some of the responses were a bit touchy);
4) A person who points out # 1 and # 2 is not necessarily a person who is only into vanilla sex;
5) Your assuming that those who point out # 1 and # 2 are both touchy and only into vanilla sex is a lazy cop out; and
6) Not being a journalist does not let you off the hook with regard to your stating things which are inaccurate and then making sloppy assumptions about those who respond to you.
I still think you have a good column. Happy New Year.
Mistress Rachel Maddow? Absolutely. Same for Katie Couric but she’s probably one of those cliche’ man-hater dommes.
And a note to MM: you fucking get paid to write a column so OF COURSE you’re a fucking journalist, by definition. Get over it and learn to uh, LEARN from your mistakes.
@kungfujew – taking things a bit personally? What makes you think those remarks were addressed specifically at you?
@8: I didn’t think those remarks were addressed specifically to me. There were a lot of replies to that column which were basically the same as what I wrote. (Although in fairness to MM, there were also a few replies that were something along the lines of: “How dare you criticize vanilla sex?”).
“Perquisite” is a lovely word. However, it does tend to give me a moment of verbal vertigo when it’s used in a context where “prerequisite” would make just as much sense. I get caught up trying to work out which word was actually meant. In the October 8 column, I somehow thought that “prerequisite” worked just a tiny bit better in that particular sentence, but apparently I guessed wrong. Mea culpa.
I regret the non-existence of Mistress Rachel Maddow. Here’s hoping for change in the new year!
I regret not being quite young enough or quite kinky enough to, um, get to know Mistress Matisse better.
geeze, you’re haughty for a prostitute.
@13 She is a “hottie”, all right!
I have been a fan for many years now and I especially appreciate the tips on peppers for a submissive ass. Being a sub I had never considered peppers but; I have now a huge fetish for Habaneros freshly raked with a fork as per your instructions. I for one look forward to your column and am disappointed when it is missing some weeks. Thank you for all the hard work you do in behalf of all of us.