Someone said to me recently, “I kinda understand BDSM stuff when there’s sex involved. You tie a girl up, or she spanks you, or whatever, and then you fuck. That’s cool, if you like that. But I’ve seen people doing BDSM without sex, and I don’t get that. What’s the point?”
I’m not surprised he’s puzzled—even if you ask people who are in the BDSM community, opinions vary. My friend Greg put it to me thus: “Doing a scene without sex is like going to the movies, but leaving after the previews are over.” But other people see it differently. “Or-gasm is not the only deeply fulfilling physical experience you can have with another human,” said Lorraine. And Steve’s reply was, “If you still have the energy to move, let alone fuck, after I play with you, I obviously didn’t play with you hard enough.”
I can go either way, so let me try to explain. Even if you see BDSM only as an expression of sexuality, have you never just made out with someone, without intending to go further? Surely one can take pleasure dipping one’s toes into sexual waters, without having to immediately plunge in? For two people who’ve never played before, a non-
sexual scene—especially at a party—might be a test drive, to see if they’d like to go further. Or they might be in the early stages of a BDSM relationship that will eventually include sex, but they’re still being cautious about pushing their intimacy too far, too fast.
BDSM that doesn’t involve traditional sex can also be a way for the sexually monogamous to have a limited type of intimate connection with other people. This school of thought is summed up by the Dolly Parton quote, “It don’t matter where you work up your appetite, as long as you eat at home.” It’s like couples going to a strip club and buying lap dances for each other.
Some dominants who withhold sex
from a submissive are employing what I call “the bonsai strategy.” Erotic dominant/submissive role-play requires tension and mystery. By encouraging sexual attraction but denying its release, the dominant restricts the relationship at a certain stage of emotional growth and thus prolongs the arc of the submissive’s infatuation and idealization of the dominant.
And there’s also a set of people who just prefer to enjoy the endorphin buzz of purely physical BDSM with a trusted platonic friend. “It’s like hugging—with an edge,” says Alyson.
Of course, there are many ways to experience pleasure. Doing BDSM is emotionally and mentally pleasurable to me, and I feel that pleasure in my body. But I’m not usually results-oriented about it. Being open to unusual pathways of pleasure is what got me here in the first place, so I don’t place many restrictions on how it has to look now. 
You know, I never have made out with someone without immediately wanting to fuck them. I suppose I should try that next.
For me, BDSM without sexual intercourse after a scene (if it hasn’t happened as part of the scene) is neglecting an important aspect of after care. Otherwise the “emotional connection” is contrived and superficial. Just my humble opinion. YMMV.
I was quite surprised to find I enjoy kink without sex, myself. I have a much broader range of people I will do bdsm with than those I’ll have sex with. Gay men, straights, transpeople of various types, other butch women – it’s all good, as long as they enjoy a good thrashing and are suitably appreciative. This is not my usual taste when it comes to sex-sex.
Also, there are often legal restrictions on sex in public BDSM spaces.
That might have something to do with why this person has seen so much BDSM without sex. If he’s *seeing* other people play, he just might be in a place where sex is not allowed.
Though, I do agree that there’s value to BDSM and play even if there’s not necessarily sex before/after/during and plenty of reasons a person might engage in BDSM with no sex.
For me, the thrill I get from BDSM is different, but related, to that which I get from sex. The emotional energy is different: it’s like another channel for desire. I experience enjoyable D/s dynamics with people who I don’t relate to sexually at all. I would play with people who I didn’t want to fuck and I wouldn’t see a play invitation as a sex invitation at all (And where did I first learn that the two can be separate and that you don’t have to fuck people who you want to be in a scene with? Why, the writing of Mistress Matisse! Thanks, Mistress!).
My girlfriend and I sometimes play without fucking, for lack of time or whatever, and it always sends me sky-high with the sensation of the scene but it doesn’t necessarily follow that we want to jump into bed. Likewise, sometimes we’re too tired to get into D/s headspace and we “just” have sex instead. Sometimes it gets all joyfully mixed up and that’s great too. But it’s not quite like an appetiser and a main course, it’s more like food and drink. I like a beer with my dinner, but I like beer by itself just fine, and while dinner is improved by beer, I don’t have to have one with every meal.
it’s also cultural – for the longest time in the BDSM community, sex was frowned on in public spaces (well, public-private – i.e. private club, but open to all members at an event)
I still remember the scene that started the change to the community being more open, back in about 2000… quite controversial at the time. 🙂
“It’s like hugging—with an edge”
I love this quote 🙂
I’m asexual, and I do not want sexual activity mixed up with my kink.
I’m so happy you wrote this article; like the above commenter, I consider myself asexual, but still enjoy BDSM. I get a nasty attitude from males a lot regarding my views, which has gotten very old, especially after a few years of hearing it.
Maybe I could point them at this article, but on second thought, I doubt they’d understand it.
But thanks for writing 🙂
BDSM without sex is like reading The Stranger without reading Control Tower.
Broadening this perspective to sexuality in general, I favor a non-orgasm-centric view of sex. I am a woman who has a great deal of difficulty achieving orgasm. Once I really let go of that goal, and began insisting that my partners do the same, I began to enjoy sex more than ever before.
I object to the connection of sex and orgasms/result.
Unfortunately, I never learned to have orgasms when having sex with a partner – only when I masturbate on my own. So to me, sex is NOT about orgasm. But for me personally, nothing has ever compared to the emotional intensity of penetration (even sans orgasm), so if I like the person and am attracted to him – you bet I would want sex.
And that’s not from lack of experimenting either. I have experimented – and I simply know what I want. But I also understand and accept that there is a wide variety of people out there, so whatever works for others is what works for them.
I’m sorry, I.N….. what do you object to? It sounds like you’re saying the same thing as me.
I had a total lightbulb moment with the “bonzai strategy.” Never really had a handle on why my first BDSM relationship was so dysfunctional but, yep, that was it. Withholding sex not as part of a fun orgasm-denial scene, or for other valid reasons, but because he felt that if we had sex, I’d stop respecting him as a dominant. He is a very sad and lonely man.
I rather enjoy nonsexual BDSM because I’m a sadist and it’s fun. On the other hand, when I’m having sex, I don’t much care to be distracted by elaborate equipment or scenarios. I like to talk kinky during sex, and maybe throw in a little slap’n’tickle but that’s about it unless I’m being GGG for my partner, which I’m happy to do.
I just hope that everyone who identifies as “asexual” has made that determination BEFORE reproducing, ensuring that such a useless and counterproductive mutation will shortly be eliminated from the gene pool.
@15: I don’t think asexuality is mainly genetic?
(What do I have to back this up? Nothing.)
[quote]I just hope that everyone who identifies as “asexual” has made that determination BEFORE reproducing, ensuring that such a useless and counterproductive mutation will shortly be eliminated from the gene pool. [/quote]
Gee, Rip City Hustle, hostile much? Try replacing asexual with gay or lesbian in what you wrote and read it back to yourself. Please try to remember that it is *never* okay to ridicule someone’s sexuality just because it may not be the same as yours.
Sexual denial? “Bonsai strategy?” I have a proper name for it:
Marriage.
Thank you for the insights. I am vanilla, but my partner is a submissive in a non sexual bdsm relationship. I’ve had a hard time understanding how it can be non sexual because the majority of things I’ve found on the internet are sexual in nature.